Friday, October 14, 2005

The Fertility Odyssey: Part 1: Sex On Demand, Charting Cycles and 100 Kinds Of Vaginal Discharge

So, here we are with absolutely gorgeous twin girls....To quote the overquoted Talking Heads song "Once In A Lifetime"- "Well, how did I get here ?" It should be simple, right ? I had sex with my Special Lady, nine months(or in this case, 7 1/2 months) later, voila. Babies !! Oh no, my friend, it was not that easy, despite what those bad films with the Jackson Browne soundtrack they showed us in health class led us to believe...Nowhere NEAR that easy...But rest assured, I will share our Odyssey with you...It will disgust you...Shock you...Amuse you(doubtful)...and maybe...Just MAYBE...Teach you a little something....To again quote something horribly overquoted..."In the words of Jackie Gleason: And Awaaay We Go !!"

It all starts just over two years ago...My Special Lady and I had finally gotten married in January after 13 years of a whirlwind romance and we decided it was time to start a family...So out went the birth control pills, and we began our rounds of sexual Russian roulette...After a few months, there were no results...We decided not to panic, but we thought that we had better look into the fertility options(okay, I'll be honest, my Special Lady decided this, I said" Mmmm...Okay")...

The first thing we learned was that our insurance was kickass on the subject of fertility- covering just about everything...We also learned that in order to qualify for fertility treatments under our insurance, we had to have been trying to conceive for at least a year...Now, why we didn't just claim that it had been a year, I don't know, except we figured that at some point there might be an audit and our future children might be repossessed or something...

So we kept trying, knowing that the next summer would be the earliest we could start any interventions...My Special Lady started charting her cycles, and I started getting this herbal massage on my testicles every 8 days...Okay, I'm joking about the massage, but Jen did start charting her cycles, and I got more detailed reports of "discharge" then I ever wanted to have...I had no idea there were so many different varieties of vaginal discharge( I think it 's somewhere around one hundred)...And I must admit, it was sometimes hard to keep the "too much information" look off of my face(though I don't think she ever saw it)...

This was also the beginning of the Sex On Demand part of our journey...I don't know about you folks, but I need a little romancing..."I'm ovulating, drop your pants", just doesn't cut it...PLUS...It's A LOT of pressure...I do not tend to perform well when I overthink things, and I felt like I was delivering plutonium in a hailstorm, man...It felt like life or death, do or die kinda stuff, and sex is supposed to fun and dirty and shameful, not terrifying...And man, this was a terrifying amount of pressure...Now before you start smirking, I always managed to get the plutonium delivered...It's just that sometimes I had to weep in the corner afterwards...
Well, I think that is enough for today, but stay tuned, there is much more story to be told...

4 comments:

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Larry ? Is that you ?...Could it be ? Larry Dinnerstein ? My old gibberish teacher ? Hot damn !! I thought I'd never hear from you again, what after I had sex with your rose bushes and facilitated the FBI crackdown on your baseball caps ? How's the shotglass ? Did the bumblebees scramble the eggs again ? That's some great gibberish about the roulette there, my firend...Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick...Bananas and worcestrshire sauce, pal...bananas and worcesteshire sauce...