Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Fertility Odyssey: Part 2:Tests, Tests, And Why Am I Finding Sandra Day O'Connor Arousing ?

Okay, where did we leave off ? Right I was weeping in the corner after some stressful attempts at baby making...Trust me, it gets worse before it gets better...For Me, for my Special Lady...And certainly for you, fearless reader...Anyway, we hit the year mark for our unassisted attempts at baby making...So it was time for the "testing" to begin...Of course, the testing began with my Special Lady, because as man, none of this could be MY fault...Hell no, brother...I'm an Irish Catholic, the church DEMANDS I impregnate!! I come from a family of six !! I have eleven nieces and nephews !! We Byrnes are a fertile bunch !!The problem must be in the female works...

What's' that ? All your tests came back fine ? Hmmm.. That's a curiosity...Huh ? They want me to see a (gulp) urologist ? Shouldn't we have you tested by a different set of doctors first ?(who says chivalry is dead ? I would have driven her to the doctors office!!)...Yeah, I guess that doesn't make much sense. (What are you talking about ? It makes perfect sense !! More sense than visiting a urologist !!)...So to the urologist I go... And here's the best part, due to our HMO, I couldn't just look up a urologist and go in swinging my dick...Oooh nooo, first I had to visit my primary physician and tell her ALL about the situation, and THEN she will find me a urologist...Wow, that won't be awkward or embarrassing at all( Mind you, I don't know why it has to be so awkward and embarrassing, and apparently, I was somewhat cured, as I am writing this here for both friends and strangers to read...And trust me, I am well aware of which side of the "too much information" line I am on now, my friends)...

Oh wait, FIRST I had to get my sperm count tested...TWICE(just to make sure)...I actually got a prescription with a sperm count test written on it- it was a little surreal...And of course, I had to "fast" so to speak, for at least 3 days, but not more than 5 !! And I will tell you what, to the smokers out there- you know how much worse the cigarette craving gets when you KNOW you can't have one ? Multiply THAT by about a billion !!! I mean, I have certainly gone three days in my life without sexual release without even realizing it, or having it affect my life at all, but once you are told that YOU CANNOT HAVE an orgasm for three days ? Jesus EVERYTHING gives you a hard on !! "Boy, that Sandra Day O'Connor is one SEXY Supreme Court Justice" I never noticed how shapely Maud Flanders is before..." Man, it was hell !!!

But, it was finally the morning of the third day(or the 4th day, I don't remember) so I went to the Lab place,(now, I watch A LOT of television and see A LOT of movies, so I had some ideas about what this little "adventure" might be like- you know, a private room, some exotic porn, perhaps mood lighting- an attractive nurse) and the lady looks at me, hands me a cup, and says "You can use the bathroom, it's the second door on the left."...That was it, I had to go to their bathroom and fill the specimen cup(which, by the way, is the same as a urine specimen cup, and don't think that doesn't make the "product" look skimpy)..It was awful..And here's another thing, you know that look you get whenever you have to turn in a urine sample ? Again, multiply that look of disgust you are given by a BILLION...Like I'm some pervert just dropping off my semen !! Give me a break, lady !! I don't want to be here either...Okay, that is enough for Part 2...Until next time...

1 comment:

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