Burnin' The Colon At Both Ends....(DO NOT READ WHILST EATING!! You have been warned)

Okay, so I realize that the esophogous(sp ?) is not part of the colon, but I thought the wordplay was dazzling enough to overcome that disparity in fact...No ? It wasn't ? Well, it was worth a try...Anyhoo, I was burning the colon at both ends Saturday night/Sunday morning...Yup, I was suffering from violent regurgitations AND explosive diarrhea...Now THAT is a Saturday night my friend....It all started rather innocently, I wasn't feeling real well in my belly, but I figured it was because I had indulged in a bit more sugar than the type 2 diabetic should, and I decided to take some Pepto-Bismol(okay, I took the cvs brand pink bismuth-but Pepto sounds so much more romantic) and go to bed....Well, I lay(laid? Lain ? I always fuck that one up) in bed, and I was not feeling any better, so I decided to speed up the healing process a little bit...I went to the bathroom, took my position in front of Ol' Faithful, and shoved my index finger down my throat...Well, it worked like a charm, and I actually did feel a little better, so I brushed my teeth and went back to bed...I woke up about 45 minutes later, and I apparently had somehow shoved my finger back down my throat in my sleep because, I definitely had to Ralph again...I hopped out of bed, and made my way to Ol' Faithful again...Just in time...But there was something wrong, this Ralph was much more violent, if my first trip to the toilet was a Ralph Wiggum, this was definitely a Ralph Macchio in Karate Kid AFTER Miyagi's training: it came out my nose, I think some might have come out my ears, fer Christ's sake...And those were not the only two Ralphs to visit either...Ralph Nader, Ralph Malph(or was it "Mouth" ? I was always confused by that) from Happy Days, Ralph Branca, and even Little Ralphie Faustino from the old neighborhood stopped by...And you know those REAL BAD ralphs, you know the ones where you can taste what you had eaten again ? Well, I went on a trip down memory lane like you wouldn't believe...Oops, there are some jelly beans...There's the liverwurst sandwich and the cheetos I had for lunch...When did I eat spinach ?...Ooh, there's the bacon and pancakes I had for breakfast...yup, blueberry syrup....In between the ralphs were the bouts of violent diarrhea, you know the ones, where you go so often that your asshole actually goes NUMB ? SHAZAM !!!! But about the time that Ralph Branca was visiting, something unprecedented(for me anyway) happened...I felt a bout of violent diarrhea coming on...WHILST I WAS RALPHING !!! Luckily, the Ralph was subsiding, so I was able to get on the toilet before the lava flow began, but then I felt Ralphie Faustino from the old neighborhood come a calling... Thank Jesus to tha Christ that My Special Lady happened to be at the sink, because I was able to ask her to empty the trash can(it was out of my reach from the toilet) and give it to me, because for the first time in my life, I ralphed and shit AT THE SAME TIME !! SHAZAM again !!! At least this time there was nothing to taste, it was just water and stomach acid which was actually a refreshing orange color...And that was actually the last deposit, thank god... I just felt like a hockey puck after a three OT playoff game all day Sunday...Well, I think that is the end of my tale...I should go...