Thursday, January 12, 2006

Burnin' The Colon At Both Ends....(DO NOT READ WHILST EATING!! You have been warned)

Okay, so I realize that the esophogous(sp ?) is not part of the colon, but I thought the wordplay was dazzling enough to overcome that disparity in fact...No ? It wasn't ? Well, it was worth a try...Anyhoo, I was burning the colon at both ends Saturday night/Sunday morning...Yup, I was suffering from violent regurgitations AND explosive diarrhea...Now THAT is a Saturday night my friend....It all started rather innocently, I wasn't feeling real well in my belly, but I figured it was because I had indulged in a bit more sugar than the type 2 diabetic should, and I decided to take some Pepto-Bismol(okay, I took the cvs brand pink bismuth-but Pepto sounds so much more romantic) and go to bed....Well, I lay(laid? Lain ? I always fuck that one up) in bed, and I was not feeling any better, so I decided to speed up the healing process a little bit...I went to the bathroom, took my position in front of Ol' Faithful, and shoved my index finger down my throat...Well, it worked like a charm, and I actually did feel a little better, so I brushed my teeth and went back to bed...I woke up about 45 minutes later, and I apparently had somehow shoved my finger back down my throat in my sleep because, I definitely had to Ralph again...I hopped out of bed, and made my way to Ol' Faithful again...Just in time...But there was something wrong, this Ralph was much more violent, if my first trip to the toilet was a Ralph Wiggum, this was definitely a Ralph Macchio in Karate Kid AFTER Miyagi's training: it came out my nose, I think some might have come out my ears, fer Christ's sake...And those were not the only two Ralphs to visit either...Ralph Nader, Ralph Malph(or was it "Mouth" ? I was always confused by that) from Happy Days, Ralph Branca, and even Little Ralphie Faustino from the old neighborhood stopped by...And you know those REAL BAD ralphs, you know the ones where you can taste what you had eaten again ? Well, I went on a trip down memory lane like you wouldn't believe...Oops, there are some jelly beans...There's the liverwurst sandwich and the cheetos I had for lunch...When did I eat spinach ?...Ooh, there's the bacon and pancakes I had for breakfast...yup, blueberry syrup....In between the ralphs were the bouts of violent diarrhea, you know the ones, where you go so often that your asshole actually goes NUMB ? SHAZAM !!!! But about the time that Ralph Branca was visiting, something unprecedented(for me anyway) happened...I felt a bout of violent diarrhea coming on...WHILST I WAS RALPHING !!! Luckily, the Ralph was subsiding, so I was able to get on the toilet before the lava flow began, but then I felt Ralphie Faustino from the old neighborhood come a calling... Thank Jesus to tha Christ that My Special Lady happened to be at the sink, because I was able to ask her to empty the trash can(it was out of my reach from the toilet) and give it to me, because for the first time in my life, I ralphed and shit AT THE SAME TIME !! SHAZAM again !!! At least this time there was nothing to taste, it was just water and stomach acid which was actually a refreshing orange color...And that was actually the last deposit, thank god... I just felt like a hockey puck after a three OT playoff game all day Sunday...Well, I think that is the end of my tale...I should go...

6 comments:

c2 said...

I haven't been able to take Pepto since I was about 12 or so, and had such a bad flu that I puked that up, too.

Anonymous said...

The apartment I where I boarded during my junior year in Spain was built for you, Paticus. For the my first 6-7 weeks there, every time I walked into the bathroom I thought "Does anyone really use this weird toilet/bidet combo thing? Why is it here. There is a functional toilet here. And isn't this toilet/bidet installed just a little too close to the toilet? (they were installed on opposite walls, facing each other). Its not like there is enough room for two people to take a dump at the same time in here - even if they were inclined to do so." [The other American girl and I even asked the old ladies who lived there and rented rooms to us about this. They thought we were asking what a bidet was - not why there were 2 toilets, or if it mattered if we used the combo thing as a toilet. anyway...] But, after nearly reaching my goal of having 21 drinks for my 21st birthday, I realized the brilliance - the necessity - of this design. I don't recall having diarrhea, although it could have happened. I do recall the entire day following my night of trying to drink myself to death. I was at the weird point of having re-hydrated myself enough to need to pee, but still sick enough that I was vomiting up a part of every glass of water or soda I drank. And so eventually, it happened. I had to pee and vomit only seconds apart. And not with enough time to flush one and get resituated for the other (I started sitting, not kneeling). And that is when I stopped questioning the existence of the second toilet/bidet. And learned that yes, it was a functioning toilet with completely separate controls for flushing and washing.
-sh

Paticus said...

C2- Life without Pepto ? All I can say to that is...noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sh- That sounds like my kinda joint...SHAZAM !!!!

c2 said...

I'm all about the Tums these days, my friend. All about the Tums.

Paticus said...

but the blessed pink of the Pepto !! the Pepto !!

c2 said...

The blessed red/pink of puked up Pepto! Hmmm...vomity.