Sunday, January 15, 2006

Wild Kingdom: Tallahassee

(The following tale is true...Names and details have NOT been changed...Fuck the innocent)
Welcome to Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom....Today we are visiting scenic Tallahassee...Home of this lizard we see to our left...You would think that as the host of a wildlife show, I might actually know what kind of lizard this is....You would, of course, be quite wrong...I haven't the slightest clue...He's a cute little bugger, isn't he ? I also don't actually know that it's a male, but in this phallic centric world of ours, why would I assume otherwise ? Let's just call him Ferdinand, shall we ? Okay. Well, in this photo, Ferdinand is clinging to the inside of one of the screens on the screened in porch of one Paticus, of Tallahassee...He seems pretty calm and serene, doesn't he ? And why shouldn't he be ? It's a nice sunny December day, and he has a nice piece of screen to hang from...Hell, there's even some nice juicy bugs around, which he may or may not want to eat,I really don't know... Again, I really have a very limited grasp of nature...But all is not well for Ferdinand...No it is not...There is danger afoot for Ferdinand...You might say, things are about to get WILD for Ferdinand...For Paticus is not the only resident of this house, no he is not...He lives there with his Special Lady, and their four month old twins...But that is also not of concern for Ferdinand...Oh no, there is another inhabitant of this house....A feline domesticus...A felinus domesticus ? What the hell is that ? Oh right, a cat...Well, why doesn't the bloody card just say cat then ? Feline domesticus...Honestly, Jim, what are you smoking ? Feline domesticus...If it's a god damned cat then bloody well say it's a god damned cat, okay ? Jiminy Christmas !!! Okay...Anyway, there is also a cat that lives there....His name is Arlo....One day Arlo and Ferdinand met...Let's let Paticus pick up the narration, shall we ?
Paticus: Thanks Steve...
Narrator:Um, it's Marlon
Paticus: Sure it is...Anyway, the other day I was sitting on my couch in Tallahassee, Florida, enjoying cool, refreshing Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coca-Cola and watching a Tivo'd episode of Alias, when I saw the cat running madly around the apartment...He does that pretty regularly, so I sorta ignored it...Then he attacked my shoe, so I looked down, and I saw a string by my shoe...Oh, how cute and cliche, I said to myself, my cat is playing with a piece of string...Then, something unexpected happened(well, unexpected by me, anyway, I'm quite sure that the cat was probably expecting it)...The string moved away from my foot on it's own ! Shazam, people !! Shazam, indeed!!! It took a few seconds for it to register, and then I believe I exclaimed to My Special Lady,(as I grabbed the cat) " Oh Christ, he's got that fucking lizard !! It went under the couch !! You want to hold the cat or try to catch the lizard ?"( If had thought about it, I probably could have added something dirty after that, but I was in the moment, people) She opted to hold the cat, so I handed him to her, as he tried valiantly to escape and complete his hunt, and went after the lizard...The cat must have stunned him, because I grabbed the lizard pretty easy(insert off color joke here, as well) and he didn't try to get away...I got him outside and put him on the sidewalk. Where he remained for the next 30 minutes or so...I was afraid that he might actually be dead, but when I went out the last time, he had moved into the grass, and this time I was unable to pick him up, as he took off when I tried...A few days later, he was back on the OUTSIDE of the screened in porch, and he was driving the cat NUTS...It was pretty funny... Back to you Mervin...
Narrator: That's Marlon, Paticus...I bothered to learn your name, you hippie idiot...
Paticus: What's that, Merlin ?
Narrator: Nothing...Thanks Paticus for that riveting tale of the hunt...And thanks to all of you for tuning in...Until next time...Let's all kill and eat something, shall we ?

1 comment:

xeenie said...

D'oeth! I bet that lizard was about to save you a bundle on your car insurance. But now....

Thanks a fucking bunch, Arlo.