Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Travelogue Part 1: Fuck The Tallahassee Regional Airport, Hartsfield Atlanta International Airport, Delta Airlines, AND Fuck That God-Damned Tram !!

Subtle enough title for you ?
So, my Special Lady had some unfinished business in Chicago...We decided that it would be a good idea to take our almost nine month old twins with us and visit our old stomping grounds...Wait, did I type that we thought it would be a good idea? That's not exactly true...I don't think we actually thought about it much at all...The girls are still drinking from the tap, so four days away from their Mom would not be good for anyone, so it became a "FAMILY TRIP" ...And what a family trip it was...Can't you tell from the subtitle...Wait, it's not a subtitle...What is it ? It's a subheading, maybe ? I don't know, I don't think it really matters...Let's move on...

We arrive at the Tallahassee Regional Airport, a bustling beehive of inter(and INTRA)state travel, prepared for the first leg of our journey- a whopping half hour flight to Atlanta...Baggage check in went well....We stopped at the "newsstand" and procured some snacks for the flight(Trail mix, anyone ? I love that they make M&M's seem healthy.)...Then it was time for the security check...Oh boy...Take the twins out of their car seats, car seats on the conveyor belt...Fold up the 40 ton Strollersaurus, put the Strollersaurus on the conveyor belt...Twins on the conveyor belt...What's that ? Oh we can carry them through the detector? Even better...I set off the detector once(cell phone in my pocket, but I WAS happy to see them as well)...Overall, not the ridiculous clusterfuck it could have become, no, that was still ahead...

We arrive at our gate, and the gate keeper immediately approaches us and informs us that we should come with her and she'll tag the Strollersaurus...We obey and follow her to the desk...There we also ask if, since we are traveling for the first time with two babies in carseats, it would be possible to "pre-board" the aircraft, and she says "Sure, you can get right on after the First Class passengers", which I found a bit odd, considering that we wouldn't be affecting the First Class passengers, but I figured that the First Class folks might get their silken panties in a bunch if the unwashed masses were allowed to board before them, and they HAD paid more than us, so I let it go...

With the First Class(or ZONE 1, as they are called on Delta)passengers safely ensconced in their ivory towers, the gatekeeper says we can board the plane...Literally SECONDS after she scans our boarding cards, they make the following announcement "Okay, now we would like to board ZONE 2 passengers."...WHAT ? !!? I can hear the footsteps behind me on the jetway...So "pre-boarding" on Delta amounts to a whopping 4 second head start ? So, guess what happened ? That's right, it took us fifteen or twenty minutes to get the car seats belted into the airplane seats, the girls were screaming, and we blocked the aisle for everyone !! BRILLIANT !!!

I would like to take a second to thank the members of the flight crews on these flights, they were gracious and helpful and patient...They were fucking fantastic, pardon my French. They should hire the gatekeepers from the same pool.

We finally settle in in and have a pretty uneventful flight. We land in Atlanta, and discover that we have to cross the Atlanta airport on...The Tram...Christ, was the tram a nightmare. We get on it with no real problem. Then, at the first stop, there's a guy who seems to think that I should roll the Strollersaurus out of the tram so he can exit, rather than have him have to take three extra steps...Fuck you and your flight to Phoenix. And then, HE got on the tram...HE is the man who was apparently hired by the airport to push people around in wheelchairs...Great service, seemed like a nice enough guy, there was just one tiny problem with his qualifications- HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO OPERATE THE FUCKING WHEELCHAIR !!!!!!!! He blocked two separate stops because he couldn't seem to figure out where the brake was on the AIRPORT'S OWN WHEELCHAIR !!! I mean, shit, did anyone read his resume ? Did anyone ask..."Oh, by the way, do you know how to operate a wheelchair ?" As I said, he seemed like a very nice man, he probably would have answered honestly that he didn't. Then they could have had him go to Fort Worth for the training class. Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick !!!!

Well, we finally got off the tram and onto one going the other way and arrived at our gate...We immediately went to the gatekeeper and asked him if, because we had twin infants and a Strollersaurus, we could pre-board the plane...But of course he said, we'll have someone come and get you and bring you down in the elevator, since there is no jetway...Great, I thought, someone who understands our predicament...About fifteen minutes later, he tells us to go and wait at the elevator, and someone will come get us...We are almost giddy, "We're gonna pre-board a plane !!"... While we are waiting for the elevator, the gate keeper announces: "We would now like to board all zones"- And everyone in the concourse rushes outside and gets on the plane...We were the LAST people to get on the plane...Wait, that is not true, we were the SECOND to last, the last was this poor woman in a wheelchair that they had sitting out on the tarmac in the blazing sun for twenty minutes, I can only guess they were trying to kill her to give her seat to a standby passenger...The only plus this time was that every single person in the aisle got hit with either a carseat or My Special Lady's purse...Priceless...

Once again, the flight was uneventful...But here's what happened when we got off of the plane...We walk up the jetway, PAST a Delta employee pushing an empty wheelchair, and come to two closed doors..Well, I try to open one...An alarm starts wailing, and we decide to stand there, so that the Chicago police don't think we are on the lam, and about 12 minutes later an airport security guard comes and resets the door, and admonishes us for trying to open it...Mind you, there is no signage anywhere saying not to open the door, and the guy who was watching the door WALKED PAST US without telling us that he had closed the door, and we had to wait for him...But it was all my fault...FUCKING DELTA !!!

Comin up next...Staying at the NOT the Days Inn...And some redemption for Delta ? You'll have to come back and see...

6 comments:

Feral Mom said...

They tried to kill...that poor...woman!

Paticus said...

Criticism accepted...I will work on curbing the ellipses. It's a sickness.

Feral Mom said...

Not a criticism...a Lebowski reference! Though they often mimic one another, i.e. "you can imagine where it goes from here" and "the story is ludicrous." Not yours, though. More! More!

elizabeth said...

oh my god - are there no direct flights to chicago from tallahassee? it's the freakin' hub of the country!! what a nightmare. i am glad you guys survived.

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