Thursday, June 29, 2006

Well, They Promised Bright Yellow Urine...

And MAN, did they deliver...Who are THEY, you ask ? Why, they are the folks at my new opthamologist's office, of course. One of the dangers of diabetes is eye trouble, I think it has to do with blood vessels and such, I'm really not sure, I'm not that good a listener, except for when they say things like, "This may turn you urine a BRIGHT yellow."- THAT I heard, but I'll get back to that...

We recently(7 months ago now) moved to the Hassee from Chi-town, we also used to live in La-La-Land, and we grew up in Joisey, and we've visited the Big Apple, and I've always wanted to visit The Big Easy, and of course I dream of one day settling down in Old WaffleTown. But enough of me indulging my fetish for city nicknames, you people want to hear about URINE !! Perverts.

Okay, so I finally found an opthamologist here in the Hassee, because as my opthamologist in Chi-Town said,(I didn't have an opthamologist in La-La-Land..Or in...Just kidding) after I asked him if there was anything that I should be looking for..'NO !! YOU NEED TO COME SEE ME ON A YEARLY BASIS !!! BY THE TIME YOU NOTICE ANYTHING,IT WILL BE TOO LATE , YOU FAT, SUGAR -INTOLERANT BASTARD!!!!" Okay, I added the insult at the end, but he did yell the other stuff at me. It seems that a lot of DR's think that diabetics are too lazy to visit physician's regularly or to listen....Oops, I guess he's right on that one.

But I went to my new opthamologist on Tuesday, and I made my wife come with me, as I figured they would dilate my eyes, and I learned the hard way that I should not drive with dilated pupils. I tried after my last visit, and suddenly I was seeing everything from the perspective of Robbie Benson in "The Death Of Richie"( You know the TV movie where he gets all hyped up on dope and his Dad shoots him ? Haunting.) Thankfully, we don't have to wait that long.

So, I get called back and give them my history, and then the guy tells me he's gonna "numb my eyes."...I figure I misheard him...But no, he puts drops in my eyes to numb them. That's weird enough by itself, but then pushes this pen thing AGAINST MY EYEBALL !!!! It was like a baaaad acid trip, man. I could see it getting closer, but I was helpless to stop it...Was this how Richie felt that night in the basement, when he finally went over the edge and his Dad had to shoot him ? I bet it was...

I survived the pressure test, and then they dilated my eyes. I went out and sat in the "mood lighting" section with all the other dilatees...With our little tissues, occasionally dabbing our eyes. We didn't have to speak, we all knew each other's pain.

Suddenly, they called my name, and told me it was time to get my pictures taken. At first I thought, " Oh, I wish I had worn my blue shirt, it really brings out my eyes, and this humidity is KILLING my hair.", But then I realized that they were probably talking about pictures of my eyes, so I put my comb away.

And BOY, did they take pictures of my eyes. I had to put my chin on the the little rest, and lean my forehead against the bar, and then they took a flash photo of my eyeball. That felt good. Not surprisingly, I blinked when they took the picture of the other one. The technician was NOT happy. She finally got a good picture of my left eye, and left the room. I kept blinking, and wondering if the red circles would ever disappear from my field of vision.

They finally did, and then she returned. She said that since I was a new patient, and a diabetic, they wanted a FULL SET of pictures. The doctor had to be able to see if there were any problems in any of the blood vessels.
She then proceeded to explain that she was going to inject me with a dye that would...Blah Blah Blah...Now, this might turn your urine a BRIGHT YELLOW color. Huh ? "And your skin might turn yellow. And maybe some heart palpatations(sp?), and your kidneys may explode, and you may have an unexplainable urge to fuck a wombat, but I've never actually heard of that happening." Okay, she didn't say all of those things, I'll let you guess which ones she did and did not say. But she definitely did say the urine thing, THAT I know for sure.

I signed the waiver and she inserted the needle into my hand. Then she started taking the pictures. Now, I am a bit of an ocular flincher... I get uncomfortable watching someone ELSE put in contacts...So, this process did not go smoothly, to say the least. But, in my defense, she was also shining a bright light and then flashing light into my already DILATED pupils !! It was torture. And then, since I kept blinking, she had to take more and more photos. She was clearly getting pissed. My eyes were watering, and I kept expecting to hear her start doing an impression of Sir Laurence Olivier in "Marathon Man"..."Is It Safe !!??!??!"..."Is it Safe !!"... I just started confessing to things, hoping she would get the info she wanted..." I once stole a candy bar !"..." I was on the grassy knoll !!"..." I never had sex with that girl in Canada when I was 14 !! "..."What do you want to know ?!?!?"...But nothing would appease her...She just kept taking pictures, and poking me in the eye(to be fair, she was just trying to keep my lid open, but she had troll fingers, and she just kept poking me in the eye.)

Finally, it was finished...I apologized to her, she told me to get out of her sight, and I left the room weeping. Everything was purple. It was like I was looking through a bruise. I was shellshocked...I just sat in the waiting room, repeating the phrase.."The lights can't hurt me The lights can't hurt me." I was in the office for a total of three hours,I saw the Doctor for about 6 minutes. The rest was trauma and waiting.

The good news ? My eyes seem to be A-OK !! AND, when I was at work later that day and visited the restroom ? BRIGHT YELLOW URINE !!! I was pissing Mountain Dew, kids. They were true to their word.


sh said...

"I signed the waiver and she inserted the needle." Into your eye? Please say it ain't so. There is an ER eposide that shows a girl having blood drained from her eysys - and she can see it coming and is screaming. I had a panic attack and an instant migraine when I saw this. I'm feeling quesy just thinking about it. ughh.

Paticus said...

sg- No, it wasn't in my eye. I edited it to reflect that. C2 pointed that out as well. Sorry about that. It was injected into my hand.
Sorry for causing the queasiness.