Monday, July 03, 2006

Bugs, Liquid Plumr and The Case Of The Slippery Shower

The Question:Can a bug clog a shower drain ?
My answer: I now believe that one can.

Allow me to elaborate. Over the last, let's say two weeks or so, water had started collecting in the bathtub whenever My Special Lady or I took a shower. It would run out, but it was definitely getting slower...Not a huge deal in and of itself, but one morning I went to step out of the bathtub after a particularly zesty and refreshing shower, and as I stepped out, the bathmat(inside the shower)gave way, and I almost fell and died.

Okay, I selfishly paused for you to gasp and imagine how you might have gone on with your lives had I slipped and died. I hope a good number of you were putting your affairs in order and planning to put your heads in the oven, as you would not be able to go on...It's a dream, anyway. But now I must come clean..I slipped, but I don't know that I can in good conscience say that I "almost fell", that's probably an exaggeration on my part. Having said that, it follows that I also did not almost die. I feel shame for the embellishment, but my beloved Mets got their asses handed to them by the hated New York Yankees last night, and I was feeling a little needy. I sincerely apologize.

Now, back to the shower. The bathmat DID, in fact, give way, and I think this had to do with the pooling water working on the suction cups on the underside of the mat, and robbing them of their suctionosity. That's the technical explanation, anyway.

I immediately sprang into action, and purchased a bottle of Liquid Plumr GEL...That's right folks, it comes in a GEL now !! I poured the whole bottle down the drain in 15 minute increments, to no avail. STILL the water was pooling.

I bought a bottle of FOAMING PIPE SNAKE(which, by the way, was my stage name when I worked as a stripper in the early '90's- I was the only one who dared strip to Jesus Jones-it was magical) and poured THAT down the drain, quite sure that at the end of the hour long waiting/working period, our drain problems would be solved.
After an hour, I went in and flushed the drain with hot tap water, as instructed, and son of bitch, if that water didn't pool up !!!

I bought ANOTHER bottle of Liquid Plumr GEL, and I just poured that whole fucker down there at once(FUCK the 2/5ths at a time !!) and waited another 15 minutes.

Guess what? THE WATER POOLED !!!!!!!!

I was at the end of my rope. I fell to the floor, and must have dozed off whilst weeping.

I woke up the next morning, and when I pulled back the curtain to get in the shower, there was this enormous beetle on it's back in the bathtub, slowly kicking it's many legs. And it all became so clear... This bug the size of Rhode Island had taken up residence in our drain, and the assault of chemical had finally driven him out !! I felt like a Viking or something !! Except that I doubt a Viking would have reacted to the bug with a rather high pitched " Eww...". Oh well. I never really liked those horned hats anyway. Terribly tacky.

I did a quick vitals check on the bug, and determined that euthanasia was the way to go. A wad of toilet paper ended his/her life mercifully, and then he/she got a spinning, watery funeral...I figured after living in the drain, it was what he/she would have wanted.

Then I took a shower, and guess what ?

No pooling !!


Feral Mom said...

Some bugs just aren't up for a chemical peel. Pussies.

Karen said...


Paticus said...

Sorry, Karen, no viking hat for you, either, I suppose. who needs 'em anyway ?
Thanks for stopping by, though. Hope you visit again.

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