Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Okay, I don't know that it is a full blown PHOBIA, but I definitely have issues with spiders. I don't think I have blogged about this before, at least not in the detail that I intend to go into now, but I'm not sure. I went back into the archives and looked, but I didn't check every post, so if I did write this before, just look at this as version 2006, okay ? Thanks.

Spiders...Shit....I do not like spiders...And furthermore, I am rather convinced that spiders do not like me.

Why would I think that,you ask ? I will tell you.

The year was probably 95 0r 96, right around there. My Special Lady and I were at the Hughes supermarket in Los Angeles, California(before those Ralphs bastards bought it and RUINED IT) shopping for groceries, when we came upon the grapes. Now, I loves me some grapes..In fact, several times in my life, I have won impromptu contests to see who could fit the most grapes in their mouths at one time. Proud, proud moments.

Back to these particular grapes. They looked really really good, so we bought some. And we felt good about ourselves because they were pesticide free( I don't know precisely WHY that made us feel good about ourselves, but it did), and we went on our merry way. La-la-la-la-la.

Cut to approximately two hours later. We are back at Sandwich Flats West, all the groceries have been safely stowed in refrigerator and cabinets, and I decide that I want some grapes. Why, how fortunate it is that we bought some. Yeah, fortunate. Fortunate like a FOX !!! Wait, that doesn't make sense, does it ? Man, that sounded so cool, though. Perhaps it will catch on as a new catchphrase, alongside "Hellfuck".

So, I walk into the kitchen and get ready to wash the grapes. Colander ? Check ! Cold running water ? Check ! Bag of grapes covered in baby spiders ? Check ! Wait, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?! There was a spider egg sac that just broke open on the grapes. There are THOUSANDS of baby spiders running around on the grapes. The grapes I am holding in my hand.

Now, what happened next is not one of my proudest moments. I try very hard to not think of myself as a coward, but I think I may just be one. This is one bit of evidence. Not trying to disarm the guy who robbed my store at gunpoint is another(I'll tell you that story later), and I'm sure there are other instances, if I had the time, but now I must get to my spider shame. Can you guess what I did ? I shrieked like a cartoon lady scared by a mouse, and threw the grapes into the garbage disposal, and turned that fucker on. I committed a spider genocide. But that was not my biggest mistake that day, my friends...Oh no...My much bigger mistake was what I did next.

I picked the grape bag up off of the counter(that's not the mistake), and that's when I saw her...Their mother. The mama spider was looking at me with her thousand beady eyes. And I had a moment of weakness. I should have squashed her, just ended it all right there. No witnesses. But I didn't. I scooped her up on a piece of paper and put her outside. And I have been paying for that misguided act of mercy ever since.

She smeared my name all over SpiderTown, my friends. And since that day, I have found myself beset upon by more spiders than in all my days before "Pestcide Free Grape Day". I have found spiders ON me. In my car, in my backpack. I am constantly walking into webs stretched across my path. I have actually had spiders leap in front of me onto doors and such. One time, I was in the shower, and I saw a spider on the ceiling. When I turned my back on it, it started climbing down a web at me, but whenever I turned back toward it, it would scurry back up..IT WAS FUCKING WITH ME!!! I am an enemy of the Spider Kingdom, and it is not a good thing to be.

Why am I telling you this tale now ? Because I think the spiders might soon kill me. I was recently talking with one of the grad students here, who happens to live in the same apartment complex that I do. A complex that has more than a few spiders, I'll have you know. Anyway, I was telling him asbout the wildlife and the armadillos(both live and dead) we have seen, and how My Special Lady saw a 4 foot black snake(most likely a racer, we found out- another story I'll have to tell you, complete with gold chained pet store employee hitting on My Special Lady in front of me )and he proceeds to tell me that he's more worried about the Banana Spiders...He saw one the other day that was the size of his FIST !!! HIS FIST !!!!!!

Do you see what I mean ? I think the end is near for Paticus, his genocidal sin is finally coming home to roost.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great, now I'll have the heebie-jeebies all night.

You remember that movie "Arachnophobia"? I saw that with someone who knew about my arachnophobia and afterward she wondered how I could stand watching it, and I explained that that was how I felt about spiders every single day. It didn't seem any scarier than taking a bath with my glasses off.