The Rally to Tally: Part 2:The Road To Paducah

Okay, so I am finally picking up the Rally to Tally thread, and I do it with a red face and my hand(I mean tail) between my legs...I received an award from the hilarious and fantastic Feral Mom of Gone Feral. The award was for my episodic work on the Rally To Tally , which has a Part One, and an (until now) unfulfilled promise of a Part 2(and prolly a 3,4 and...Dare I say, a Part 5 ? Could be)...In order to not get my award revoked, I will now set to completing the story of the Rally to Tally...

For those of you who may never have read Part One and do not feel like taking the time to read Part One(lazy bastards- Kidding...Kidding!), I will summarize it for you...My Special Lady, our three month old twins, our two cats, and I were moving to Tallahassee from Chicago. We hired movers, and asked our friend Sass to help us get the babies and the cats to Florida safely. The movers destroyed the hallway carpet in our apartment building and bitched incessantly, the rental car company(we had one car, we rented a second because we could not fit two babies and two cats into one car) changed their minds about allowing a 24 year old to drive the rental car(after we specifically asked if that was okay), and yours truly had a meltdown that could be best compared to an LSD freakout I had experienced 17 years earlier. We finally left Chicago at 4 p.m. on Saturday, 4 hours later than planned. But we were on the god-damned road.

Now, I will be honest, I think I have blocked much of this out, so I may just make some shit up, but I will try to keep it entertaining.

Let me set the scene...There we are in our hovercrafts, ready to cruise out of Chicago...What ? The hovercrafts are not believable ? Really ? I suppose then that you won't believe it when I say that we were setting out across the arid Earth searching for water for our tribe in the Great Walled City ? No, huh ? Okay.

Sass, the babies and I were in the Saturn Vue, and My Special Lady and the cats were in the rental car( a Chevy Desperation or something, I really don't remember.) as we drove out of Chicago. Sass was driving, and I was in the gun turret, keeping an eye out for pirates who might raid our precious rations of tubes filled with beef and chicken gel and our paper tubes filled with leaves soaked in nicotine- or maybe I was in the passenger seat eating the sandwich that was supposed to be my lunch. Let's just say that there were unsavory characters all around, okay ? And beef gel is not as bad as it sounds. Though lamb gel was much better, but far rarer to come across.

The plan was to make it to Paducah. About 385 miles. We figured about a 5 hour trip. Turned into more like 8. No one thing made it difficult, it was an accumulation of diaper changes, feeding the girls, feeding ourselves, evacuating our bowels and bladders, and being beset on all sides by soulless creatures of the night, thirsty for our blood and our aforementioned tubes of beef gel.

We went about two hours before My Special Lady's eyes got tired and I took over driving the Chevy Desperation. I cannot speak to what went on in the Vue when I was not there(which was most of the trip)but I know there was a lot of breast pumping going on...Because My Special Lady was BREASTFEEDING, you pervs. I don't think there was a lot of Girls Gone Wild action in the Vue. If there was, then I am sad that I missed it. But I do know that My Special Lady was using a breast pump every few hours on the trip(the main reason she could not do a lot of driving) and I often wondered what those tractor trailer drivers saw as they passed the car.

While driving the Chevy Desperation that night, I learned a few things.
1. The cats are NOT good conversationalists. They had NOTHING of any interest to say.
2. Elvis Presley(at least his #1 Hits CD) is FANTASTIC driving music.

Being that 90 % of the ride was in darkness, there is not much to report scenery wise. I'm sure there was some nice stuff to see somewhere.

The highlight of the first leg, I believe, was arriving in Paducah(around midnight) and being treated to a home cooked meal at the Motel 6 courtesy of Sass' Mom and Dad. They had offered to let us stay at their house, but we didn't want to inconvenience them with screaming babies and cats, so we stayed at the Motel 6(they allow pets to stay, so there was no sneaking around with the cats necessary). The plan was then to have dinner at Sass' house when we arrived, but that was when we were to arrive somewhere in the vicinity of dinnertime(which midnight, decidely, is NOT), but when we finally DID arrive, Sass' Mom and Dad brought us a home cooked meal. Pork chops, creamed corn, black eyed peas, and homemade pie for dessert. Mmmm,mmmm, that was wondermous, to quote the cajun chef Justin Wilson, I garonteee!!

I'm tired, it's time to sleep.
Part 3 coming soon.