Thursday, March 08, 2007

"Yup, You're Still Bleeding There..."

I heard that phrase 4 or 5 times yesterday afternoon. It was being spoken to me. Where was I ? Why I was at the dentist. Good times. Good times.

I was having my # 11 tooth( I think it was # 11, how the fuck am I supposed to know ? I show up, and they say "So, we're gonna put a crown on number 11, huh ?" And I always look at them and reply, "Oh, you betcha."...Like I know what number tooth it is ? You might as well call it Ken or something. I don't know what number it is...It's the one with the fucking hole in it. That's the one I would like you to turn your attention to today. Thanks.) prepared for a crown. Have you ever had this done ? It's a joy. The dentist went after my tooth like he was trying to get at buried treasure.

In some ways, that was fine, as it made the whole thing go faster, but it also tends to feel like he's gonna pass right through my tooth and start drilling into my shoulder or something. Kinda creepy.

But he finishes all the drilling, and he puts the mold in and I gotta clamp my jaw down, and as I'm sitting there in the chair, trying to not move my jaw(and why is it, whenever you get told by the dentist to no move your jaw. all of a sudden your muscles decide that your jaw is seriously out of shape and needs some exercising ? I swear to God, as soon as they say "Don't move your jaw." I am OVERCOME with a need to start flexing my jaw. Am I the only one ? I think it's connected to the "don't pick at that" gene, and the "Don't touch the plate, it's hot" gene.), and the dental assistant looks at me and her eyes get all big and she grabs the suction and starts running it around my lips and in my beard.
Now, the porn fan in me starts to think that a funky bass line is going to kick in, and the suction device is some sort of weird erotic toy in the dental world, but that notion is quickly put to rest when I hear the first "Yup, you're still bleeding there" of the afternoon, and she shove a paper towel against my chin.
I guess I actually had blood streaming out of my mouth at the time. Her actions were all in the interest of saving my white dress shirt, which I appreciated, but I was little more concerned with the precious liquid gushing from my face. She put an extra bib on me, and then wandered off, so I was left to start concentrating on whether or not I was feeling faint.

The thought of fainting brought me back in time to the one time in my life I remember almost fainting. Coincidentally, that was also during a dental procedure. I was having a cyst removed from the the root of one of my front teeth, and I looked down while it was going on, and I saw that the gown I was wearing was COVERED in blood. I remember thinking"Gee, that's a lot of blood." and then it occurred to me..."That's a lot of MY blood." And I felt my eyes roll back in my head, but i never fainted, I just decided to keep my eyes closed.

But back to yesterday's bloodletting. The dentist came in and pulled the mold out, and then shoved some gauze in my mouth, and suctioned out the spit and blood. And I heard the assistant say again,'Yep, you're still bleeding there."

Then they put in the second mold. This time, she told me that the reason I was bleeding so much was partially because I was diabetic, and partially because they had to drill a lot at the gum line. I was leaning towards it being more of the latter, but I was not going to argue.

When she went to remove the second mold, she handed me the little suction thing(no porn bass here, either) and she said I would probably want to use that when she pulled out the mold. She didn't have to say"You probably don't want to swallow a gallon of blood", that was understood.

She pulled out the mold, and of course, she said, "Yup, you're still bleeding there." Then she shoved some more gauze in there, and she had me chomp down on it.

After that, it was just fitting the temporary crown in, and she only said the secret phrase 2 more times I think, but the last one was followed by"...but not so much this time." And I knew all would be right with the world.

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