Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day

This is a conflicted day for me.

I am a father, so it's a day that means something to my family now.

But it's a day that I don't know will ever be the same for me. As most of you know, my Dad passed away in November. It Occurs to me tonight that this is something that I have still not gotten over. I don't know that I ever will. I don't know that I ever want to. I assume that as the years pass, the pain will be less acute most days, but I think today is a day that's always going to hurt a bit.

Now, before I get all painfully morose( I hope that I won't) let me qualify a bit: I am well aware that there are people who have it much worse than me. I know people who lost their Dad while they were in high school, and I know that there are people that may have lost him earlier, or perhaps never knew him at all. I realize that I am lucky that I had my Dad in my life for 37 years.

I realize also that I am lucky that I had a Dad that I wanted in my life, and one that wanted me in his. So, I realize that things could have been far worse.

That doesn't make the fact that I can't call my Dad tomorrow and wish him a Happy Father's Day hurt any less. That I can't tell him about what we are going to do tomorrow for Father's Day. That we can't complain about what the hell is going on with the Mets. That still hurts.

Sorry if this is a bit meandering...I'm kinda working through it in my head as I'm typing it. My hope is that I can be even half the father to my girls that my Dad was to me. I hope that I can show them how to treat people decently, and do it through actions as much as words.

I hope that I have the same capacity for the unconditional live that my Dad had for me. Believe me, I was a real douchebag for a few of those teen years, yet I never felt unloved or unprotected. That's the other big hope, I hope that I can make my girls feel as safe as my Dad always made me feel.
At times I doubt I can do any of that for them, but I'm sure giving it a try.

So, I guess I have wasted enough of your time by now. I guess I'll close by wishing all the Dad's out there a Happy Father's Day.

And Pop, Happy Father's Day to you. I love you and I miss you.

(I'll let you guess who the macho man in the picture with my Dad is)


c2 said...

I think both you and your dad were lucky to have each other. And your girls are very lucky to have you as their dad.

Happy Father's Day, my friend.

Avitable said...

Happy Father's Day, Patrick.

Paticus said...

c2- thank you, my dear.

Avitable- thank you, my friend.