Wednesday, August 27, 2008

So, There Were These Three Ninjas....

And they came into the bar where I was enjoying a cocktail with My Special Lady and a coupla my pals.

At first, I didn't really pay them any mind. It's a free country, if some guys trained in stealthy death want to down a few draft PBR's, who am I to argue ? "Have at it, fellas", that's my motto(it's written in Latin on my personal logo, along with a picture of a wombat wearing a baseball hat).

Anyway, these ninjas take seats at the bar,and order up three draft PBR's.
Chip, the bartender, asks to see some ID, on account of the fact that these guys are wearing those ninja facemasks, and he can't tell how old they are by looking in their eyes.

One of the ninjas(I think I heard one of the other ninjas call him Bucky), grabs Chip by the lapels(Chip was wearing a nice, crisp Oxford shirt- we were always real impressed with how Chip dressed) and says" I.D. ? Are you fucking kidding me ? We're fucking ninjas, man. If we ask for three ice cold draft PBR's, you damn well better give us three ice cold draft PBR's. You hear me?" And then he let go of Chip's lapels.

That was were Bucky the ninja made his first mistake. He should have held onto Chip's lapels, then he might have had a chance. You see, Chip is a pretty easy going guy, and he can abide a lotta things. Bucky the ninja coulda called him fat, coulda insulted his Mom, coulda made a disparaging remark about the New York Mets(Chip's favorite baseball club), but Bucky the ninja did the one thing that Chip cannot abide: He soiled Chips crisp Oxford shirt.

You see, on their ride to the bar, the ninjas had been enjoying some Cheetos- and Bucky's fingers were covered in cheedle(-the residue left on one's hands after eating Cheetos-that's a sniglet-anyone remember sniglets ?), so now Chip's lapels were also covered in cheedle.
Chip shook his head slowly and smiled. Bucky the ninja smiled back(at least we think he did- he still had the ninja facemask on, so it was hard to tell), and sat back down on his stool, clearly believing he and his friends would now receive their ice cold draft PBR's.

Chip kept smiling. Then he called out, to no one in particular:"Somebody put a dollar in that jukebox, will ya ? And play me 'Octopus's Garden' ". The Beatles tune, which we all knew was Chip's ass kicking song. Someone walked over and filled Chip's request.

And sure enough, no sooner had Ringo started singing, then Chip laid into Bucky the ninja and his two friends. I tell you, I was there, and I still do not believe what I saw. Chip just started spinning and kicking and yelling something about "soiled lapels". It was INSANE !!

By the time the song was over, the three ninjas were all in the parking lot, flat on their faces, their ninja outfits, once so dark and menacing, now absolutely COVERED in cheedle. And Chip ? well, my friends, Chip was back behind the bar, using some club soda to remove the cheedle stains from his lapels.

We never saw those ninjas again.

True story.

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