Thursday, October 23, 2008

From The Vault: "Can't Sleep"

What was that ? That noise. What is that noise ? oh, it's the electricity running to the alarm clock. I've never noticed that it was so loud. It sounds like a god-damned power station! Or one of those devices that were always in the old mad scientist movies. How could I buy something that makes so much damn noise ? What was I thinking ? What am I thinking now ?

Why can't I sleep ? Is a couple of hours of sleep that much to ask ? Is it really ? I'm not that demanding a guy. I just want to sleep.

Who's there ? Is that someone...Or something over there in the corner? That's ridiculous, there couldn't be anyone in the corner...Could there? It certainly looks like someone is in the corner. perhaps if I didn't have an alarm clock that sounds like a nuclear reactor, i might be able to hear them breathing or something. Maybe I should walk over there and...Wait a minute,what the hell am I thinking ?I'm not walking over there. Listen to me, over there. It's like eleven feet. I don't know that eleven feet even qualifies as "over there". I think there might be some sort of minimum distance requirement for something being "over there". I don't really know, but I do know that I ain't making a whole lotta sense.

What the hell is that now ? I do not remember having a huge hulking mass in that corner when I went to bed. In fact, I do not recall having a hulking mass of any kind in the apartment. I don't even own a couch. So, even if I had been inclined to leave a hulking mass in that corner, I lack the crucial ingredient to do so. And since I have not left the apartment in over a week, I don't see how I could have procured a hulking mass.

What is it then ? There's definitely something in that corner. and I'm pretty sure I see it breathing. Shit. I doubt it's just going to stand there. it will probably wait for me to fall asleep, and then it will tear my throat out, or some such thing, that it will probably enjoy, and I will enjoy significantly less.

This is ridiculous. I am going to turn on the light and see what the hell is lurking in the corner. here we go....Turning on the light...One...two...three...

Oh, it's just a pile of dirty clothes on top of the dresser. Boy, they sure looked sinister in the dark, that's for sure.Boy oh boy, do I feel silly. Well, I guess I'll try to sleep, now that the threat has been neutralized. I'll just turn the light off and hit the old hay, as the kids say. there we go.

What the hell was that ? Is someone walking around in the apartment ? Who the hell is in the apartment ? 2 a.m. seems a bit late for a landlord visit. I locked the door before I went to bed. At least, I think I locked the door. what if I didn't ? Then I guess I'm fucked. Now he knows I'm in here with the light being turned on and then off again. it will probably only be seconds before he's in here, slicing and dicing me, perhaps as food for his army of dogs. Wait a minute, he or she, I should say. I don't want to appear sexist. I might be sexist, but i certainly don't want to appear as such. So, I will not jump to conclusions and assume that a man has broken into my apartment, it could have been a woman...Or some combination of the two, I suppose.

Who is in my living room? i can't even try to tell myself it's just the cat...I don't have one. So, there is no rational explanation for the sound out in the living room. At least, no rational explanation that i want to face at the moment, or ever, for that matter. I do not want to face a homicidal maniac in the living room. i don't care whether it's male,female ,or hermaphroditic, I'm not interested in meeting it.

Then what am I supposed to do ? Am I to stay in here and wait to have my head removed ? Or perhaps be disemboweled ? Can I really just sit by and allow that to happen to me ? I guess I could. After all, am I not a member of "Generation X" ? the so-called, "slacker" generation ? By definition, I am expected by society to allow things to happen around me, and not take any responsibility for anything that happens in my life, right ? If the maniac does kill me, it's just the Republicans fault, right ? Or the baby-boomers ? Aaaah, now I feel better. As long as nothing is my fault, I'm okay.

Well, "it" seems to be getting closer. it's probably only a matter of seconds until my aimless existence is over. You know, if this were a story, now would be the moment when I would suddenly realize my life's passion, find a reason to live, and defend myself against the horror on the other side of that door. unfortunately, all that comes to mind is the fact that death will stop me form a thorough enjoyment of an hour of "COPS" every night. Not exactly a dream worth fighting for, is it ?

Oh my, it's really almost over. Is this really all there is ? To blame it all on the Republicans and realize that I'll miss a true life television show ? Is that ironic? I'm really not sure...But probably not. I don't know, it seems sort of sad, yet somehow appropriate. Man, I'm tired...Maybe I'll just shut my eyes.

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