Thursday, February 12, 2009

"Le Grille ? What the hell is that ?" *-A Pathetic Photo Essay

*Homer Simpson, when forced to use the French directions to build his barbecue pit.

Okay, so this was actually a couple of weeks ago now, but I am finally able to tell the story, so quit yer bitchin', and be glad I'm telling you at all, you ungrateful so and so's.

Wow, that w as kinda harsh of me, and really uncalled for, and on top of that, the story is really probably not worth you withstanding that sort of vitriol. I apologize. And I would like you now to sit back, relax, perhaps have yourself a Mr. Pibb and some Cheez-Its, and I'll regale you with "the grill story", as it has come to be known.

As I said, this happened a few weeks ago. My Special Lady and I had invited some friends over for dinner, and we were going to grill out some burgers and hot dogs. A few hours before they were to arrive, I thought it might be a good idea to check the grill, see what kind of cleaning it needed. Here is what I saw.

Don't see it ? Look closer:

To quote a Christmas classic(Bob Goulet sings my favorite version): Do you see what I see ?
That's right- MOLD!!!!!!!

There was fucking MOLD on my grill. On the inside of the lid as well.

Gross, right ? I, mean keee-ripes, man! How the fuck did that happen ?We have had this grill for three years here in Tallahassee, and it has always been outside, there was nothing different about it now...Except that it was always under an overhang, and since we moved, it has just been out on the deck, and it has been getting rained on. A-HA!! Still, pretty fucking crazy. And pretty fucking gross.

What shall we do about this ? I'm not sure whether I can actually get the grill clean, but I gotta tell you, even if I could, I don't think I could eat anything cooked on it, quite honestly. Shiver.

Coincidentally, My Special Lady and I were at K-Mart the previous day,and I was looking at the grills.(You see, even before the mold, I was angling for a new grill, as the grill we have now is kinda tiny, and very close to the ground. here it is:
Old "Smokey Joe". A fine grill, don't get me wrong. But I'm an old man, I need to be able to cook standing upright. Plus, as much as I love charcoal, I used a gas grill at my Mom's house over the summer, and it was SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH EASIER!!!!) ,and I talked to My Special Lady about how the prices weren't that bad, and she agreed, and we basically decided that we'd shop around a little bit, but we would probably end up buying a gas grill.

And then, we have MOLDGATE 2009! It was like some sort of cosmic alignment. We had a cursory discussion, I convinced her that I would be able to construct the new grill in a couple of hours(which turned out to be true{much to my surprise-mechanically inclined, I ain't}, but at the time, I was just striking while the iron was hot, and figuring that if I didn't get it put together in time, we'd broil the burgers) and after a brief search online to see if there was a better deal elsewhere, I took off to get the new grill.

I will spare you the details of the grill purchase, but I will let you know that I walked out of the K-Mart with a new grill, a propane tank AND a cover for the grill.

Now, here is where this becomes a "pathetic" photo essay. If it was a great, or even good, photo essay, I would have taken pictures of the grill in different states of construction, with witty pictures of me with different looks of frustration, glee, etc. on my face. Alas, I have no such pictures. the main reason being that I actually was trying to get to put together in time to cook that evening, but still, I dropped the ball in a major way, and I sincerely apologize that this photo essay is not all it could be.

The construction of the grill was actually not as difficult as I thought it would be. Our friends showed up during construction, and Andrew helped put the damn thing together. In fact, the two hardest things were lining up the legs properly at the very beginning, and figuring out how to attach these clamps to the burner pipes. The first one was definitely due to my lack of spatial cognition, but the latter one was mostly due to awful, awful diagrams in the directions.

The grill did get built in time for dinner, though. And we got the tank attached and lit the grill without blowing anything up! I still had eyebrows and everything! Here's a shot of the finished grill! It does not have a name yet. I will let you know when we christen it.

The burgers and dogs were enjoyed by all!!

Again, I did not take any pictures of the burgers or dogs, BUT I did take a picture of the london broil I cooked on the grill this weekend:


So, there you have it, "the grill story". Meh, right ?

Have a good Thursday, Crimestoppers !!!

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