Wednesday, February 25, 2009

True Tales of Sheer Terror

Wow...Helluva title I came up with there, huh ? Boy, if someone puts a title like that on something, he really better have something truly terrifying to talk about, huh ? I mean, it would kinda suck if someone who really had nothing to say decided to put that sort of title on something, huh ? Sure would. Yessirreebob.

So, you folks gave put two and two together, right ? You're smart people...You already know that I have nothing remotely interesting to say, let alone a true tale of sheer terror.What the fuck was I thinking ?

I suppose I could tell you about the time I...No, statute of limitations has not run out on that one yet, so I had best keep it to myself. What was that? That sounded like something knocking on my window. I hope it's not some sort of maniac. And I certainly hope he is not an axe wielding maniac. And by axe wielding, I of course, am speaking of a literal axe, the wood chopping tool, and not referring, via slang term, to a guitar. I mean, what would be scary about someone outside the window holding a guitar ? well, I guess he could club me with it, or something of that nature, but for the sheer chilling effect, I think it needs to be an actual, honest to goodness, wood chopping axe that I'm hoping he doesn't have.

And I guess it's rather sexist of me to assume that it would be a man wielding the axe, isn't it ? I suppose it could be a woman. Boy, this sheer terror is harder than you would think.

Now, where was I ? Oh yes, was that a knocking at the window ? My goodness, I sure hope that is not some sort of axe(of the wood chopping variety) wielding maniac(either male or female) out there to hack me into bits ! Perhaps I should go to the window and see. Let me just slowly pull back these red and white checked curtains I have here on the window and...Oh my god...Oh, there's nothing there. Well, I guess i got myself all worked up for nothing.

I don't know about you, but a healthy scare like that always puts me in the mood for a bath. I think I'll take one right now.

Let's get that water started...There we go...And we'll add some of my bath beads that make my skin so soft and kisssable. Now, I'll just slip out of these cumbersome clothes and into my robe. Next, I'll put on my cee dee of sea lion breathing sounds, which always helps me relax in the bath, and reminds me of the time I spent on that whaling vessel.

Hmm...Did I remember to lock the front door ? I don't know ? oh, well, too late now...It's time to get into the bath.
Aaaaaah. That feels good. Now. I'll lean back, put a washcloth over my eyes and drift away to the soothing sounds of the sea lions' breathing.

Hey, what's that ? Is there some either male or female crazy person out in my bedroom ? What is that sound ? Are they meowing ? That's odd. Why would a maniac be meowing ? Oh, of course, they're crazy!

Oh no, they're pushing the door open. AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Oh, it's just my cat, Mr. Pibbles. Hello there Mr. Pibbles. How are you, my little furry friend ? Wait, why are you plugging in that toaster ? Mr. Pibbles...What are you doing ? Mr. Pibbles!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"And then there's just a bunch of meowing on the tape, Chief. I guess this guy was dictating a book or something, and apparently this Mr. Pibbles must have killed him."

"Have we found the cat yet ?"

"No sir.Though the place looks like it has been ransacked, and the victim's wallet is empty, and there are spaces where a computer and stereo system should be. Looks like the cat killed him, and then cleared the place out. No telling where he might be by now."

"Alright then. Let's put out an APB on that cat. Mr. Pibbles is not gonna get away with murder. Not in my town."

"Right, Chief."

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