I Can't Believe I'm Almost 39!(AKA Beware the C.H.U.D.s!)

I'll only be 38 for two more weeks.Then, before you know it, I'll be 95...Or dead. Or maybe a zombie.Or some sort of CHUD,or is it supposed to be C.H.U.D. ? I think I like C.H.U.D. better, it lends an air of class to the whole situation. I ain't just a CHUD, I'm a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, dammit! Show me some respect!
   That's right, I'm talking about C.H.U.D.s. I know that the government doesn't want me to talk about them, and I know that Hanrahan over at the Osiris Initiative doesn't want me to talk about them, and I know that Larry fucking King would rather I not talk about them....but you know what ? You know who DOES want me to talk about it ? Sully, that's who. That's right, Sully. And you know why Sully wants me to talk about it ?  Because the last time I saw him, he was being dragged into the sewer by guess what ? That's right, a motherfucking C.H.U.D.!!!
  Oh, you thought he just left early for Burning Man ? That's what THEY wanted you to think, man! Don't you get it ? They don't want people to know about the C.H.U.D.'s man, because the C.H.U.D.s are their creation!! They WANT the C.H.U.D.s down in the sewers, man. They NEED the C.H.U.D.s down in the sewers.
  They put the C.H.U.D.s down there to eradicate the millions of over-sized alligators that were flushed down the toilet as babies.And if the occasional human gets eaten ? So be it.
  Well, I say fuck that. Sully is not a "so be it"! Neither are Griff, or Clyde, or Martinez, or Bugsy, or Constantine, or Marcy or the hundreds of others that have fallen prey to the C.H.U.D.s !!
  I will not be quiet any longer ! And if you're smart, you won't be either. Because one day, I might be saying you're not a "so be it" either.