Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Regarding The Neck Beard

Hi, I'm Paticus, and I have a neck beard. Apparently, this is a problem for some people.I don't know if it's a problem for anyone I know, because nobody has ever said anything to me about it. And if it does offend any of you, my friends, I do apologize.Sincerely.

  The reason I know it's a problem is that there is a player in the NFL that is derogatorily refereed to as "Neck Beard"(Kyle Orton, Denver Broncos). He was also referred to by this nickname when he was a Chicago Bear back in 2005, when I too, was living in Chicago(I was not, however, playing for the Bears). I did not think much of it,a s I did not yet have a neck beard. then, there are the "definitions" of neckbeard.

The first definition in the Urban dictionary reads:
    1. (n) Facial hair that does not exist on the face, but instead on the neck. Almost never well groomed. 

2. (n) Derogatory term for slovenly nerdy people who have no sense of hygene or grooming. Often related to hobbies such as card gaming, video gaming, anime, et. al.
If this party is full of f*cking neckbeards, I'm out. I've got better things to do than sit around with a bunch of unwashed nerds.

 I guess this is partially accurate, though not really since I am not a gamer, and I do trim my face(and neck)beard on a weekly basis(Sunday mornings, if you're interested),and I think I have some sense of hygiene.

  The second definition is simpler:
  Facial hair that extends underneath your chin and onto your neck.

  That one fits. My facial hair does extend underneath my chin and onto my neck. Guilty as charged.

  And here is the definition from the Encyclopaedia Dramatica:
     Neckbeard, also known as a neard, is the strange under-the-chin hair growth only seen on fatties and UNIX programmers. Also known as the "Bloatee", it is a derivative of the "Abe Lincoln" (Not to be confused with thesex move, since anyone with a neckbeard has no relation to sex.). Its purpose is to delineate the neck from the chin when the two have merged due to obesity, forming a bullfrog neck. The wearer hopes his neckbeard will make him look like a badass from Hackers or The Matrix, but it actually just reminds observers that he lacks a fucking chin.
A neckbeard is never, ever cool.
All neckbeards are Dungeons & Dragons-obsessed losers, and vice versa. It is not known at this time whether growing a neckbeard causes one to play Dungeons & Dragons or playing Dungeons & Dragons causes one to grow a neckbeard.
 Ouch.Jeez, I had no idea there was such vitriol for the neckbeard.

  Let me explain WHY I have a neckbeard. Up until about a year, maybe a year and a half ago, I used to shave my neck every morning.And down on the lower left side of my neck(right about the collared shirt line) I would get this hellacious iritation...It actually felt like a wound. I did all sorts of things to try and stop this irritation from happening: shaved in the shower, used that Nivea skin treatment, used shaving cream with aloe and shaving cream for sensitive skin and on and on. I finally asked my doctor about it, and he said that it was from shaving, and that I should try an electric razor- That didn't work either.
  I finally decided that I had enough, and I stopped shaving my neck. The irritation went away!! Huzzah!! And the NeckBeard was born, and here we are.

  I'm not sure what the point of this post is...I guess just to embrace my NeckBeard,and maybe try to make people aware that NeckBeards are people too. We have families, and hopes and dreams...We also have hairy necks.


Verdant Earl said...

I'm a beard guy, but I can't deal with a neck beard. It itches too much for me to deal with. Then again, I don't have to wear a tie every day so...

Paticus said...

Earl- I hear you on the itchy...But once I got past the initial grow in, it really does not itch more than my face beard does(which is not very much to begin with). And even when it does, it's better than the irritation I was dealing with.