Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Can Penile Privileges Be Revoked ?

So, I was washing my car a coupla weeks ago, and I noticed that the rear windshield wiper was starting to deteriorate. It had a flap of rubber hanging off of the cleaning surface, and since I am a car expert, I was able to decipher this as an indication that it was time to replace it. I mean, how could I be expected to live without a rear windshield wiper? Suffice it to say, I have tried that before, and I sometimes still have nightmares.

  As I said, I am expert on cars, so I figured that putting on a new windshield wiper should not be all that difficult. In fact, I was pretty sure I could do it with my eyes closed. I chose to be thorough and diligent, and I looked up the rear windshield wiper in the handbook that came with the car. I decided to write down the part number for the replacement wiper, just in case that there was a helpful sale clerk inside the store who might want to help me. I always allow them to help me, even though I never need the help(have I mentioned that I am a car expert?), just because I don't want to make them feel worthless or somehow beneath me. I also noted that I was looking for an 11 inch wiper blade. Not a 12 inch...No, an 11 inch. Not 9 or 10, but an 11 inch wiper blade.

  I took my piece of paper, and I walked into the auto parts store. I'm never sure what the legal ramifications are, so let's call the store "Schmep Boys". I walk into Schmep Boys, and, of course, I know where the replacement windshield wiper blades are, but I always like to take a sort of aimless walk through the whole store, to see if they have moved any of the other car supplies. For instance, this visit, I noticed that they had moved the glowing eyed skull gear shift nob to the right of the Truck Nutz(you know, the brightly colored testicles for the underside of you car bumper) instead of on the LEFT, which is where it was the last time I was in the store.

  I finally came to the replacement wiper blades, which I of course knew that I had walked past three times during my general perusal of the store. Sure enough, as I was beginning to look at the blades, a young man who worked in the store came up and asked me if I needed any help. Of course, I did not, but I didn't want to ruin this young man's day, so I told him that I was looking for a replacement wiper blade for the rear window of my 2006 Saturn Vue. We went together over to the desk and he looked it up on the computer. He was having a hard time finding it, so I offered to go pull the blade off of the car. He thought that was a good idea, and he told me that he would keep looking it up in the computer.

  I came back with the blade, and he informed me that they did not carry the replacement blade for the rear windshield wiper of my car. He suggested that I go to a place we will call Schwal-Mart. I took him up on his suggestion. My experience in Schwal-Mart was much like my experience in Schmep Boys. Although at Schwal-Mart, I had to seek out an employee, because I had searched through their visible wiper blades, and did not see a single 11 inch wiper blade. I was informed that the reason I had not seen an 11 inch wiper blade was because they did not carry one. I was then told that I should maybe visit a place called Schmadvance Auto Parts(He also mentions a place called Schmaout Zone, but he actually knew the location of a Schmadvance, and it happened to be near my home, nearer actually than either Schmep Boys or Schwal- Mart,so I went with Schmadvance), and I decided to take him up on his suggestion. On my way out, i actually remembered to buy a replacement kitchen timer to replace the one that my daughter had accidentally thrown into the sink while it was being used to time her teeth brushing, so the trip to Schwal-Mart was NOT a total waste.

   So, I show up at Schmadvance Auto Parts, and I find their windshield wiper blades(after taking a tour of the whole store of course, a combination recon/threat assessment) and VOILA! I find an 11 inch wiper blade! Precisely what I was hoping to find! They only had one kind, so I of course assumed it was the one that would fit my car. I happily plucked it off the shelf and walked up to the counter.

  As I was purchasing the wiper blade, the young lady behind the counter asked if I needed the blade installed. I told her that would not be necessary, paid for the blade and went out to the car.Now,logic dictates that it might be a good idea to put the blade on the car before leaving the parking lot of the auto parts store. Being a  car expert, I knew that this was not necessary. I climbed in my car, and drove on home, stopping at Wendy's to pick up some lunch on the way.

  After eating my lunch and watching the season finale of "Justified", I decided it was time to put the windshield wiper on. I walked outside, popped the the blade out of its packaging and put it right on...Wait, oh, I see, it must go on the other way, sure. So, let's just flip it over and then...Wait, oh, I see, that needs to go here and there we g....No, that won't work.

  Okay, I won't bore you with the full inner monologue, but as you may have guessed, I was unable to put the windshield wiper blade on the car. In fact, a part popped off of the blade(luckily, I was able to reattach it). I needed to return to Schmadvance. One of my daughters had pitched a fit and was unable to go to the activity pool with her sister and My Special Lady, so after a rousing game of Chutes and Ladders(I lost-stupid jerky chutes!), we got back into the rear windshield wiperless car and headed back to Schmadvance Auto Parts.

  I waited on line, and then told the sales clerk that I had purchased this windshield wiper blade, and for some reason, it would not fit on the car(I didn't want to say that it was clearly defective,but being that I am a car expert, and I could not put it on the car, it clearly MUST be defective). She said okay, and took the blade from me, and after prying my daughter away from the several different styles of gummi things(bears! worms!fish!), we walked out to the car.

  Now, I honestly had not given much thought to the fact that it was a woman who was helping me with my car, but there was a guy in the parking lot who looked at me, and then at her, and then gave me a look of scorn or pity or something. Then I started to get nervous: Was this a problem? Was I going to get in some sort of trouble with the Manly Council on Manliness because I was being helped by a woman? Would I have my penile privileges revoked? Can they even do that? Can the manly Council on Manliness revoke penile privileges? Is there a Manly Council on Manliness? How did I reach the age of almost 40 and not know any of this?

  What I did know was that I didn't like that look the guy gave me, and it felt like there would be some sort of macho consequences if I allowed this to continue. But what could I do? Grab the wiper out of her hands and demand to see a manger? that seemed a little silly. No, I guess I was just gonna have to let it play out. I really needed to get that rear windshield wiper fixed, and soon. The storm clouds were starting to loom( and not just the metaphorical storm clouds of the impending potential questioning of my manliness and possible penile sanctions, but REAL actual storm clouds...It was gonna rain...and SOON!), and I needed to be able to see out that back window! Penises be damned!!

  We reached the car, and she tried to put the replacement blade on. But it would not go on. She tried a couple of times, and then we went back into the store, so she could look up the part. LO and behold, the car needed a 10 inch blade! 10 inches!! What the what? The book said 11!!! 11!!

  She grabbed a 10 inch wiper blade, and said that we were going to try to put it on the car before we exchanged it. Smart lady. We went back out to the car(this time dragging my daughter away from the gum section), and VOILA! It popped right on there.Problem solved. Car fixed. All right with the world. We thanked her profusely, went inside, completed the exchange, and we were on our way.

  I still have not heard anything about the Manly Council on Manliness' decision regarding the sanctions on my penis.

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