Can You Help Me ?

The best laid plans, huh? It was all going to be so great.

  I would go to college, of course. The first step in becoming a doctor, to be more precise. I was to get my degree and be a psychiatrist.

  One problem with the plan, I have an intense hatred for books. I despise them. I hate them more than receiving oral sex from a prostitute with jagged teeth and nervous tics.

  It’s bizarre. It’s totally “lame”, to quote the young people. Why would I hate books? I just know I do. When I get near them, my brow starts to sweat,  my legs turn to rubber, my bowels turn to stone(it’s not funny, if I spend time in  a library, I need to take Fibercon for a week), and the rage starts to build in me.

  I remember one Christmas, a new girlfriend gave me a book of Laotian short stories, and I threw it in the fire!!  Christmas was ruined; I couldn’t even enjoy the lederhosen or flugelhorn she bought for me. She had gone with a whole Laotian/German theme. She was such a peach. She stormed out, throwing the treasure chest I had bought for her fish tank right through my television.

  How can I be a doctor and hate books? It would be like dreaming of being a mathematician and hating a square!! Or wanting to be a Pharaoh and hating the pyramid!!

  I need to get past this. I want to have kids some day, what if they want me to read Goodnight Moon and I freak out and go on a profanity laced tirade? I can’t have that!!

  So here I am. I have come full circle, in a way. I wanted to be a psychiatrist, and instead, I’m here talking to you, a therapist.

Can you help me?