Thursday, November 04, 2010

I Really Need To Calm Down And Let It Go....

What do I need to let go?

  EVERYTHING.

  I just allow way too much to bother me, and not in amusing Lewis Black kind of way. I just get angry at stupid shit, and I let it fester inside me, and then it ends up coming out over even stupider shit. Or even if it's not stupid, my level of anger is disproportionate, and problematic.

  I lose my temper with my kids way too much.Thankfully, I don't hit them or anything, but I just get angrier than I should, and I yell, and then I pretty much hate myself for it.

  But it's not just them, I lose my temper with my wife, I lose my temper with myself.

  The driving thing has actually gotten a little bit better. The only problem is, when I pick up or drop my kids off at school. the thing I have been listening to is the WTF podcast with Marc Maron, which has some salty language, so it's really not appropriate for the kids to hear. My current solution to that is I found a bunch of Children's audiobooks, and I put them on when I am driving the girls to or from school. That has worked out so far, but I don't know how long it will last. I'll have to start thinking about other things to soothe them when in the car so I can listen to WTF up front.

   When I say the driving is getting better, it has been incremental. I still find myself getting angry about shit on the road, but I think I'm getting better at letting it go MUCH sooner. I wouldn't say immediately, but I would say I am getting it to start subsiding almost immediately, even if it takes a few moments for it to dissipate altogether. So, I actually think that I'm going in the right direction there.

  I just need to figure out a way to make it translate to the rest of my life. I can't imagine I'm a very pleasant person to be around, and I figure at some point my wife will decide that she and the kids would be better off if I was just not around.

  I have begun to think that it's not that far fetched to picture myself as that guy who just sits alone all the time, angry at everything, that nobody wants to be around. I also know that I really do not want to become that guy. I really don't.

  I also figure it can't be very physically healthy for me either. Fat angry guys don't seem to live very long.

  I just can't help feeling I'm going to end up alone or dead soon, probably both.

  I don't know how many people made it to the end of this post, but I do actually feel a little better for having written it.

  So, I think I'm gonna start looking into some anger management options. Anyone with any suggestions, I would appreciate it.

 

4 comments:

c2 said...

I think seeking the anger management counseling would be the best step. I'm guessing your doctor could recommend a place. Good luck. And remember we still love you.

Elizabeth said...

Some kind of talking therapy might help. Also, if writing this down makes you feel better I bet that is a very good sign - you just need to get it out. I have a really hard time not getting upset or aggravated by other people, and I am trying to force myself to let things go when I can (which is not easy at all for me to do). I know how you feel, but for me I get more sad or frustrated by other people than angry.

Paticus said...

c2-Thank you for the support.I love you too. And Happy birthday!!

Elizabeth- I don't believe that I'll ever not get upset by people, but I need to lessen the effect it has on me.

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