Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Cutlery Regression Therapy....

In the day to day course of my employment at the New...I mean, Blueberry Library, I have witnessed many an amazing thing...But nothing could have prepared me for what unfolded before my eyes this past Tuesday...It has been dubbed the "Case Of The Pilfered Blade"...but that simple title belies the magnitude of the occurrences...I'm still not sure this keyboard will be able to adequately describe them, but i will do my best...At the end of the previous week, a very valuable piece of cutlery was apparently pilfered from the staff lounge at the Blueberry Library...this was a distressing development...it immediately robbed(pun quite intended) people of that womblike feeling of safety the Blueberry usually fostered...there were prayer circles...community outreach meetings...more than one clandestine crying session...it felt like a member of the Blueberry family had been kidnapped...anyhoo, there was a full scale search for the blade, and it was finally recovered, seemingly no worse for wear( we will protect the identity of the pilferer, but rest assured they were dealt witth swiftly and severely-thank you, Patriot Act)...but we were not quite convinced, the knife seemed to be holding something back during questioning...we couldn't understand it...was it the Stockholm Syndrome ? Or the less publicized Des Moines Syndrome ?...quite frankly, we were at a loss...I called a friend who works in the FBI and asked him for some advice...he told me about this radical new therapy that had been sweeping through kitchens all over the world...he called it Cutlery Regression Therapy...and it basically amounts to the piece of silverware in question being placed in a mild hypnotic state, then brought back in time to the time just before the "event", and then re-lives the ensuing minutes, hours, days, weeks...whatever the case may be...It sounded a little scary, but we felt we owed to the knife to get at the truth, and the knife itself was willing to participate...the stage is now set...what follows is the FBI transcript of the session...I warn you, this gets a little graphic, and might be tough to hear...

" This is Special Agent Skip Darlington, and I am here at the Blueberry Library in Chicago to perform a Cutlery Regression Therapy Session on A recently pilfered and returned steak knife. Sir, could you state your name for the record, please ?
Knife: Yes. My name is Mack, my parents were real comedians, but i go by the name Jim.
Skip: Jim it is, then. Let the record reflect that Jim is a steak knife with an approximately six inch blade, serrated, and a black handle, possibly plastic, possibly onyx. Jim, has the procedure been explained to you ?
Jim: Yes sir, it has, and I am a willing participant in the procedure.
Skip: You took my line there, Jim. How about you just answer the questions as they are asked of you, okay ?
Jim: Yessir. Sorry.
Skip: Whatever. Anyhoo, I want you to relax...breathe freely...breathe normally...relax...okay, are you relaxed ?
Jim: I think so, yes.
Skip: You think so ? Christ, it's a yes or no question, dude !! Are you gonna take this seriously? I am not here to clown around. If I wanted to clown around, I'd go to the damned circus, you got me, pointy ?
Jim: Yessir, I am sorry, sir. I am relaxed.
Skip: Okay, then...I want you picture a juicy filet mignon...can you see it ?
Jim: Yes, I see it...
Skip: Okay, now imagine that you are in the hands of someone you love, and they are using you to cut through that filet...can you feel it ? Does it make you feel good ?
Jim: Yes...yes it does...oh, it does feel good...it's relaxing...I'm cutting through it like a hot me through butter...
Skip: Good...good...I think we are ready....Jim, I want you to think back to this past Thursday...are you there ?
Jim: Yes I am...
Skip: What are you doing ?
Jim: Ugh...I'm being used to cut cake!!
Skip: You don't like cutting cake, do you, Jim ?
Jim: Well, technically, it's part of the job,but it's messy, and it's not challenging, I mean, a butter knife can cut cake, you know ? Gimme some meat...or an apple...something to sink my teeth into...ha-ha...get it ? Sink my "teeth" into ? ...Duh, I'm serrated !!
Skip:Yeah, good one...okay you are cutting cake...what happens next ?
Jim: They leave me in the box with the cake, to be used by anyone who happens by...I feel so cheap...
Skip: okay, so you are passed around like a dorm room skull bong ...what next ?
Jim: There's only one or two pieces of cake left..the cake box is put on top of the microwave oven...I don't like heights...I don't want to be up here...
Skip: It's okay, Jim...it's okay...you're safe...you are on the microwave in the cake box...what's happening now ?
Jim: Someone is removing me from the box...they take the rest of the cake and finish it...Finally, i will be rinsed and returned to the relative safety of my locker...hey...hey...what's this ?
Skip: What is it, Jim ? What's happening ? Where are you ?
Jim: Oh my god !! I'm being used to stir coffee !! Dear God, make it stop !!! It's horrible !!!
Skip: What else Jim ? What else is happening ?
Jim: Oh, in the name of all that's holy...I'm...I'm...(audible crying)
Skip: What is it Jim ? You are almost there...what happened ?
Jim: I can't say..please don't make me...(more crying)
Skip: Jim, it's the only way to get past it...and get back to cutting...
Jim:(more Crying) I'm being used to pick food out of someone's teeth...it's horrible...
Skip: There, there Jim...it's okay...you are safe now....it's not your fault...it's not your fault...and don't you worry...we got the bastard who did this...he's paid for his transgressions, believe you me, my friend...I'm gonna bring you back out now, Jim...you will remember this, and you will know that it is not your fault...on three...one...two...three...
Jim: Oh, thank you, Skip...thank you so much...I think i can begin to heal now...God bless you...and God Bless The United States Of America...
Skip: Thus endeth the session.

What did I tell you ? Pretty powerful stuff, huh ? Just amazing...

2 comments:

Christine said...

hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

but the party was on Wednesday

elizabeth said...

whose party??? who left???

i miss new- blueberry socializing!!!