Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Passed Over...

Well...I suppose you can all imagine my disappointment when I was watching CNN yesterday and they aired footage of white smoke emerging from the Sistine Chapel chimney..."That's odd" I thought" For them to be emitting the white smoke before officially offering me the position, or at least flying me back to Vatican City."

But I tried to stay positive, figuring that there was some sort of plan in place, that any second there would be a satellite news crew at my door, and I would be beamed across the world, introduced as the new pope...Pope Cody the First...I ran to the bathroom to run a brush through my rats nest and brush my teeth...and then I heard them introduce the new Pope...and they most certainly did not say Pope Cody the First...I was crestfallen...

What happened ? What went wrong ? I mean, I knew that my interview was not a home run. And I totally blew the swimsuit portion(who knew board shorts were out ?)...But I figured the Catholic Church was all about forgiveness, right ? And they would see through my interview jitters and my rough edges to know that I was Papal material...But I was obviously horribly wrong...

I mean, I understand now that it was probably not the best idea to lead with a joke(especially the one about Jesus being able to see Peter's house from the cross), but I thought it would lighten the mood a little bit(and besides, John Paul the II LOVED that joke). Obviously, I was wrong...And I admit it did not help that I spaced on the exact wording of the Lord's Prayer(it's FORGIVE us our trespasses) and could only name 3 Apostles...
But I thought that some of my ideas for the future really won the conclave back in my favor...They really seemed to like the idea of several scantily clad female fire eaters(the Pope-ettes) to accompany the Pope at all times...They liked the idea of changing the title from Pope to Pizzope to bring in the younger, urban Catholics...They seemed to understand that I was kidding about a sit down with Satan...I really thought I bowled them over with my interpretive dance as well, I thought it showed in lithe movement the words my heart could not say...And is it really such a bad idea to write another sequel to the Bible ? I think we are ready for the Third Testament...And I already have John Grisham and David Foster Wallace interested..If we could get Oprah to put it in the Book Club, we would be GOLDEN !!!!...And I stand by my belief that bringing in Greg Kinnear as the Papal Sidekick for me as Pizzope to bounce some one liners off of would really attract some new, funny Catholics...I think the Catholic Church is just terrified of change...And that surprises me...Well, I guess there's always the open head coaching vacancy with the New York Knicks...Does anyone have Isaiah Thomas' phone number ?

4 comments:

elizabeth said...

you know, i was pretty sure this was going to be the era of the female pope so, despite my having renounced my catholic upbringing many, many times, mostly in public, i also had my hand on the telephone waiting like a high school girl. but no, i had to find out from my yahoo home page. motherfucker.

Christine said...

How very sad. I was so looking forward to being a Pope-ette. Back to Hooters.

Paticus said...

you were penciled in as Pope-ette # 1...

Christine said...

You're g.d. right I was!