Back for more, eh ? I don't know whether to envy or pity you...I'll stick with envy...Okay, so where were we ? Aaah, yes, I had just dropped off my sperm sample to Nurse Sourface....Good times...Good times...
Now we wait...And chew our fingernails(even more than usual) and have EXTENDED internal dialogues about my potential sperm count...The main thread of these discussions ? If I have a low or (gasp!!) non existent sperm count( I think the kids today call it sterility ? Shooting blanks ?)...My Special Lady will certainly leave me in the dust...And I would not blame her...Hell, I'd give her bus fare...Let's run down my list of credentials...Unattractive,Overweight, Diabetic,Simpson/Grateful Dead Obsessed Middling Wage Earner in a job with horrendous hours- Jesus Christ, man, if I can't produce offspring, I would leave myself...After that bit of self loathing and self pity...I would come to the positive conclusion that at least I had no life insurance, so she would more likely leave me than kill me for the payoff...Then I could usually drift off to sleep...To dream my dreams of lethargic sperm...
Then came D-Day, the results of my tests were in, and I had to go and visit the urologist...I think I'm getting the timeline right...Anyway, I'm on my way to the urologist, and I'm gearing up for the prostate exam, and practicing my Chevy Chase in Fletch impression..."Mooooon Riiiiver....You using the whole fist there, Doc ?... Well, it's not for a lack of looking."... Because I am quite sure that when I am bent over a table with a man's finger up my ass, I will be in a VERY quippy mood...So, there I am sitting in the Dr.'s exam room, and he comes in and asks me where my test results are...I very calmly reply(MUCH more calmly then I feel he deserves)..."Shouldn't you have them ? When I called to make my appointment, I asked the receptionist and she said that you had seen the test results" He stared at me for a few seconds, looked again in the mostly empty manila folder in his hand, as if my test results were simply under some wizard's spell, and now the joke was over, and "POOF" there they would be...Surprise, they were still not there..."I'll be right back" he said, and walked out...
Suffice to say, he found my test results...And I soon would prefer that he had not...He said the less devastating of the two choices, but I still really did not want to hear low sperm count...Then he told me to drop my pants(lots of pants dropping involved in this whole process- rather obvious, I suppose, but an observation nonetheless)... After some inspection of my "boys" for lumps and such( none to speak of, thank goodness, and I will add, a very professional inspection, no giggling, no whistling, no inappropriate baseball or orange references) it was time for the "probe"....I will spare the specifics of the prostate exam...Let's just say that I did not cry...And that I will forever send the urologist a Christmas card...Anyway, let;'s move on...I think that's enough for today, but I will leave you with this teaser for Part 4- I left the urologist's office with a prescription for a testicular ultrasound...Talk to you soon...
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