Saturday, November 19, 2005

Fertility Odyssey:Part 4: Who Would Believe Having One's Testicles Swabbed In Gel By An Attractive Woman Would Be This Unarousing ?

"Welcome back....Your dreams were your ticket out...Welcome back...To that same old place that you laughed about"...Oh John Sebastian, you sentimental old bastard...So, you have come back for more of the sordid true story of our journey to parenthood, eh ? Good for you...Not everyone has made it this far...Some people dropped off at the mention of vaginal fluids...Some after having the mental picture of Paticus having sex with anyone emblazoned into their brains(UNCLEAN !!!! UNCLEAN !!!!!!)...And I think a lot more fell to the wayside around the time of the sperm donation and prostate exam...But not you, you brave old fools...You have returned...

Was it the lure of the testicular ultrasound ? It's okay, you can admit it...It's a pretty enticing term, huh ? I was certainly intrigued...Would it be like the fetal ultrasounds I had seen in popular movies and on the television ? Would I be given a chance to individually name my testicles ? I mean, I certainly figured I would know them better than I ever had before, perhaps it would be proper to give them names ? Would I get pictures printed out to send to my friends and family ? "Dear Mom & Dad... Here are pictures of My Boys: Luke and Han - Happy Anniversary- Your son- Paticus"- That might be keen...Or it might get me institutionalized...But enough of my daydreaming...On to the ultrasound....

So, I arrive at the hospital and check in...Of course, the doctor has written the word "testicular" in such a way that NO ONE in the hospital can make it out, so at the registration desk, I get asked...
"I'm sorry, what kind of ultrasound are you here for ?"
"Isn't it there on the order ?"
"Yes, but I can't make it out, and I doubt that you are here for a trenchcoat ultrasound."
"oh....Yeah...It's A...testicular ultrasound."
"What's that ? I couldn't hear you"
" It's A...Well..It's A...testicular ultrasound that I'm in here for."
"I'm sorry, you mumbled it again...What kind ? "
And I SWEAR that she smirked at me !! She could read it, she was just gonna make me say it out loud. Well, here's where the Irish temper kicked in...And I said...
"I'm here for a testicular ultrasound !!! That's T-E-S-T-I-C-U-L-A-R !! That's my balls !! My Fellas !! The beans in the "old pork and beans" as they say !! Did you hear me that time ?"
"Yes sir, thank you...you need to go to radiology. That's down the hall, second elevator, up to the third floor and make a left after you get off the elevator"
"Thank you." I said, and walked off down the hall. Next stop: radiology !!
Radiology....On my way there, I started wondering if while I was in the radiology department, there might be some sort of explosion or radiation leak that grants me some sort of super powers...That would be kickass...I wonder if I would decide to be a superhero or a supervillian ? That would be a tough decision...I guess one would have to hope that there would be some sort of brain damage that would push me in one direction or the other...I wonder what powers I'll get ? Super strength...sorta pedestrian, huh ? Invisibility ? Now, that would be sorta cool...Or maybe I could get a whole series of powers...Maybe I could get ALL of the Fantastic Four's powers, and I could be Fantastic to the power of 4 ?...Okay, I just crossed a rather wide geek line there, didn't I ? Sorry about that...

I arrived at the radiology desk,and the lady behind the counter takes my form(why were ALL of the people I came into contact with on Testicular Ultrasound Day women ? It was like some combination horror/porno movie...Because being a man at heart(if not necessarily a man sperm count wise)my mind will always wander to the porn movies of my youth(okay, and young adulthood, and regular adulthood and middle age and...Well, you get the picture) and I start to imagine the attractive (female)Doctor or Nurse or Testicular Ultrasound Technician (or ALL three)saying something along the lines of..."Well, there's only one way to cure THAT." and that deep funk bass groove would start, and we would get bizzay !! And of course that is coupled with the utter embarrassment of the factual reason for my being there in the first place, and the sheer fear of having three women sexually interested in me at the same time.

But I digress...I arrived at the radiology desk, and the lady behind the counter took my form, looked it over and asked..
"What kind of ultrasound are you here for ?" I stared for a second, and answered....
"Testicular..." And sighed She typed up a bunch of stuff and told me to have seat.
"Paticus ?" The nurse said.
"Yep" I said.
" Okay, come with me" she said. And I complied and followed her to the ultrasound room, where my worst fears/fantasies were realized...The Testicular Ultrasound Technician was VERY attractive.
"This is Paticus" my guide said." And this is Lisa, she'll be doing your ultrasound today." I desperately tried to think of something witty to say...But most of the things that came to mind were just creepy("So, you come here often ?" " I hope you'll buy me a drink or two first.")...And that didn't seem like the way to start off someone who might quite possibly be handling my balls.
"Hello." I said.
"Hi" she said.

I'll skip the technical discussion and the how and why of my being there( But I will tell you that I think Lisa was hitting on me a little bit- yeah, right), and we'll get right down to the ULTRASOUND.
So, Lisa comes over to me with two rolled up towels." Okay, Paticus, what I need you to do is take off your pants, and climb up on the table, then I need you to put this towel under your testicles so that they sort of stick out over the end, and then you can use this towel to cover you penis( I ALMOST told Lisa that we were gonna need a bigger towel, but I didn't think that would go over well, and I didn't know that she would get the Jaws reference anyway)...I'll be back in a minute or so." And she pulled the curtain and walked away. Now, I don't know how many of you have ever tried to literally put your testicles on a pedestal, but it's not as easy as it might seem. It was a tough task, I'll tell you that. A mirror would have been a good thing, but I just had to wing it. I finally got it all set, and thank God I got it done before Lisa got back, because I think I would have been mortified if Lisa had come back and caught me, even though it was something she had asked me to do...I think maybe it's a catholic thing...

Anyway, I got my boys on display, and covered up the rest and Lisa re entered the picture.
" I think I got it set right." I said. Lisa glanced down and nodded.
"Yeah, that's fine." Then she pulled up a chair, put on her rubber gloves, and grabbed her tube of gel." Okay, we try and keep this warm, but sometimes it's till cold. I'm going to apply it to your testicles for the ultrasound."
"Okay" I said. Well, folks, Lisa was not kidding...That was some COLD GEL !! She had a soft touch, but who would believe that having your testicles swabbed in gel by an attractive woman would be this unarousing ? Which was good, because I was afraid I was going to have to explain why the second towel was so "active"...So, the ultrasound itself was pretty uneventful...I was actually able to relax a bit, which was good because it took like a 1/2 an hour. It was a little nervewracking because there was this sort of irrational fear that my "member" might escape from under the towel. But thankfully(porn fantasies aside) that didn't happen. All in all, it was a pretty uneventful testicular ultrasound, which I suppose is a good thing. Then Lisa turned off the machine, threw a towel at me and said "Clean yourself off, and get the hell out." Okay, she actually handed me a towel, and told me I could clean up.
Okay, so that's the tale of the ultrasound...See you next time...

11 comments:

Feral Mom said...

Unarousing, but very very funny. Especially liked the names for the "boys"--Luke and Han. Did you ever consider those names for your children before you knew you were having daughters?

Paticus said...

Glad you enjoyed it...I was really beginning to wonder if I had actually creeped everyone out...As for the names, I never thought of Luke And Han...I tried to convince my "Special Lady" that if we had a boy and a girl they HAD to be Luke and Leia, but she would look at me and say "Your geek is showing" and leave the room. For boys I was trying for Rod and Todd, but I was pretty sure that wasn't gonna happen either...Sometimes,in the deep, dark night, I do catch myself referring to the girls as Patty And Selma...there I've admitted it...now the healing can begin...

elizabeth said...

when i was a kid i had cats named Luke and Leia... ok, me and hundreds of other kids, probably...

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Miss Britt said...

Is it wrong that I am now trying to figure out how I can convince my husband to prop his boys up on a towel? Just so I can see how it works?

Paticus said...

Miss Britt- Thanks for stopping by, and no, i don't see anything wrong with that. Based on Lisa's reaction, it's apparently quite a visual !

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