Friday, January 27, 2006

Fertility Odyssey Part 5:Hello ? Is This The Guinness Book ? Is This The Testicular Division ? Have I Got Some News For You !!

Okay, it has been long enough, time to get back on Memory Lane...There is more tale to tell, more fluids to discuss, more stomachs to turn, eggs and sperm to introduce to each other in controlled environments...I have work to do...Now where were we ? Oh yes, I had just finished my testicular ultrasound at the hands of the lovely but intimidating Lisa...Now it was time to wait for the results...Good times...

I thought about what they could find...Tumors- well, that would be a regular ray of sunshine, eh ? "Paticus, either you have a third testicle(Guinness book, here I come) or there is a rather large rodent in your ball sack( Guinness Book, as well, I guess), or you have a tumor in there." I don't know that there was anything else they were looking for..I mean, is there ever stuff in there that shouldn't be ? "Um, Paticus, we don't know how to tell you this, but your testicles seem to each have their own set of teeth." That didn't seem likely, but again, I think a call to Guinness would be on the agenda. I was thinking of things I could ask the Dr. When I went in for my results: "Doc, is there any evidence from the ultrasound of my balls ever actually being blue ? There were some rough nights in my younger days, when I thought I might have even had an indigo or navy blue goin' on, you know what I'm saying ?" or " Did they get dented that time that Susie Derkins kicked me in the balls for lighting her Strawberry Shortcake doll on fire ?" Okay, I admit, these were not serious questions, but I was doing anything to not think about there tumors or rodents or teeth on my balls, you know ? Cut me some slack, will you ?

I also spent a lot of time wondering about my past "habits" and if they had played in a role in my current spermalogical predicament...I mean, I was a heavy smoker for ten years...I had a drink or two or several hundred thousand in my life...There was that two year period where I was smoking pot several times a day...Could they have affected my little swimmers ? And what of the other ways my "consciousness was altered" let's say ? Were my sperm two headed now ? Did my testicles think they were still in the back of that truck in the parking lot of the Rosemont Horizon(Grateful Dead show- looong story) ? Then there was that time I snuck into the hospital and took several hundred X-rays of my balls, was that a bad thing ? It did make them tingle at the time. Okay, the x-ray thing never happened, but I did/do have a fairly intimate and ongoing relationship with my right hand that could have affected things...Shit, was that it ? Had I simply used all of my sperm ? That would suck...So, as you can tell, my brain was an even less pleasant place to be than usual during this odyssey...

Well, I got the results of the ultrasound, and they were normal, so I took the Guinness Book off of the speed dial, and it was time to bring all of my testicular/spermalogical data and visit the fertility clinic...Stay Tuned For Part 6 !!

3 comments:

c2 said...

BUSTED!

Dude, Susie Derkins is Calvin's nemesis in Calvin and Hobbes!

(isn't she, hee-hee?)

Paticus said...

Good eye, c2...But the character from Calvin And Hobbes was based on the girl I went to school with...And I'm also the kid from the mean Joe Greene Coke commercial...I still have the jersey...man, is it RANK !!!! That man had some POWERFUL FUNK !!!

c2 said...

I understand why you wouldn't want to wash the Joe Greene jersey, but man, seal it in a plastic bag, or something!

Um, my mom was Darla from the Lil' Rcascals. Okay, not really, but she could have been. Really, the resemblance is uncanny!