Fertility Odyssey Part 6:A.I. Is Not Just A God Awful Spielberg Movie...

Okay, so it was time to discuss a plan of attack with the fertility clinic...Now, I don't know what being in a fertility clinic feels like to a woman, or to other men, but I felt like I had a very large sign on my forehead that read: NOT A REAL MAN: LOW SPERM COUNT
Logical ? Certainly not...But that didn't make the sign any less apparent in my head...

Now, I had been there before, as my Special Lady had been going there for a few months by this point, and I was the dutiful husband and accompanied her whenever I could.(awwwwwwwww) Though I did find it rather annoying that it seemed like every appointment needed to be before 8 a.m., but I thought it wise to keep quiet about that, as My Special Lady was going through all sorts of tests, and I was sitting in the lobby reading Cosmo. This visit was different, I was going behind the curtain, and suddenly I KNEW that everyone else KNEW that I had some problematic sperms swimming(or more appropriately: NOT SWIMMING) around in my nether regions. Cheese and rice, I did not need this added pressure...And of course, all the people who work at the fertility clinic were women...I still don't know why that made it worse...Just about my whole life, my female friends have outnumbered my male friends(not a bad circumstance, I will have you know), but the number of women that I had to come in contact who were now most likely going to know the most intimate details of my maleness(or distinct LACK thereof as the case may be) was definitely problematic for me...

But I digress, it was time to meet the "FERTILITY DOCTOR"( You must imagine a strong,menacing piano note here)....She(of course) was very nice, and I only caught her snickering once or twice as we went over the test results...I can't decide whether I appreciated having to go over the test results or not, because all of my Special Lady's test were fine and I had sperm "issues"....That makes it pretty cut and dried, doesn't it ?...Do we really need to discuss that any further ? "Our Fertility Troubles" were "MY FAULT"-end of story. But we did discuss it, and in the end, I was very glad we did, because it turns out that the FERTILITY DOCTOR was much better at reading the test results than the urologist was...And it turns out that one of my tests was normal...Hey, how about that, I will disagree with Meat Loaf, and say that ONE Out Of Three Ain't Bad, either, my friend. It didn't necessarily change our course of action, but it did make me feel a little bit better about myself, so that was a nice thing.

Actually, it did change our course of action a little bit, as it made artificial insemination something that we could try, rather than jumping right into In Vitro Fertilization...So, it was time to get things rolling for the Artificial Insemination...Unfortunately, artificial insemination did not consist of My Special Lady and I having sex while we each thought about other people, oh no, it was a bit more complex than that...It started with My Special Lady having to inject herself in the stomach every day for 10 days or so...Boy, I bet the was fun...I tell you what, I could barely WATCH her do it, let alone imagine what it must have felt like...But she was a trooper about it...I to this day do not understand why she was so gung ho to have children with me, but I certainly cannot question her commitment to the process... So she spends a week and a half stabbing herself in the belly, and the next thing you know, it is "time", time for the A.I....

The process will take place early in the morning of course, and here is how it goes down...We wake up in the morning, I have a romantic interlude with my right hand and make a deposit in the cavernous specimen cup...Then it's off to the clinic, they have suggested that My Special Lady store the specimen cup in her bra to keep it warm, so in it goes, and off we go...We arrive at the clinic, and they take the specimen to test it, the results are not good, but not bad enough to scrap the process...We go ahead...It's all very romantic, My Special Lady on the table, legs in stirrups, a long tube inserted...Well, you get the idea...At least they let me be in the room for it...It goes off without a hitch, and the ladies at the clinic decide that I should bring another specimen in the next morning...Now, I don't think that this is a good idea, as I have a little knowledge of the "production schedule" in the Paticus Sperm Plant, and I don't think that one day will be enough time for a better sample...Figuring that, like in every other aspect of my life, I am an idiot, I keep my mouth shut...

I should not have, because the next morning was the second most disheartening moment in this whole process...We woke up and repeated our process at home, except that even the idiot could tell that he had not produced a worthy sample, but let's go the clinic for the official kick to the balls...Sure enough, the sample was even worse, and essentially they told us that this attempt had failed...We of course had to wait a few weeks for the official notification, but we knew that was a technicality....This just sucked, I felt completely worthless, and I was pretty sure that my Special Lady was trying very hard to not look at me with seething anger and hatred...That was not a good day...And that night I was supposed to go out and celebrate a new friend's birthday...I decided to go anyway, which is a decision that she may still regret, as after several hundred beers, I chose to lay my sordid story at her and another friends' feet...They handled it well, and they were very supportive...And I have since become very good friends with them, and I think it actually did make me feel better as it made the whole thing seem less secretive and all, but i still feel badly that I did that to her on her birthday...Well, I think that's enough for part 6...Coming Soon: IVF...