Tuesday, April 25, 2006


"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye."- Traditional Latvian Proverb

Okay, so no one lost an eye, but I did lose a job opportunity...And all because someone told me I sucked...This was supposed to be hush hush, as they did not want to make an announcement until the playoffs were finished, but now that it has all fallen apart, I suppose I can type about it...Until late last night, I was involved in negotiations(actually, the negotiations were all but over, we were simply dotting i's and crossing t's) to become the new head coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the storied NHL franchise, one of the NHL's original six...It was to be somewhat historic..I would be the youngest coach that the Leafs ever had, I would be their first ever American born coach, and I would have been the first NHL coach with virtually NO hockey experience whatsoever, save a two season stint in the TSHA(Tenafly Street Hockey Association) and quite a few hours logged watching the game on television...I wowed them in the interview though, I had an unbelievable PowerPoint presentation that laid out some of my radical strategies for returning the Leafs to prominence, and bringing Lord Stanley's Cup back to Toronto, where it belongs...For example, I had a plan to pull the goalie halfway through the first period, dare those fuckers to score...Mess with the opposition's heads, show my guys I trust them to win even without a goalie...My flaming skate practices...Skating on the thin ice of Lake Saskatoon...It would have been revolutionary...But alas, it is not to be...Apparently, one of the higher ups in the Maple Leaf organization heard the rumors of my apparent suckiness, and crushed the deal...As they explained it to me..."The Toronto Maple Leafs are a first class organization, and we simply cannot be associated with a coach who has been declared to suck."
I couldn't agree with them more... I hold no ill will towards the Leafs, they will find a coach, probably a more conventional one, but at least they will find one that doesn't suck, and that's the one thing I could not give them. DAMN YOU THETHINGSTHATSUCK.COM!! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL !!!!!

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