Wednesday, May 23, 2007

My Body Is No LONGER Your Wonderland, Miss. Simpson !!

I am aware that these are dark times.

Gas prices are skyrocketing.

There is yet ANOTHER Shrek movie.

Veronica Mars has been cancelled.(Pigfuckers at CW-Sorry- that is just my Pavolvian reaction to the news that Veronica Mars was cancelled(Pigfuckers at CW)- See ?

And now this- John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are apparently a couple no more. I will give you a moment to compose yourselves,I know it is upsetting news. It has hit all of us very hard. All the more so because it ended without a single musical collaboration- Whom among us didn't want to witness THAT ?

The reason I feel the need to write about this is twofold:1. only by acknowledging and dealing with the pain can we start to heal, both as individuals, and as a human collective. 2., I know that my name will start surfacing in these reports soon enough, and I wanted to set the record straight before the gossip machine starts working its' magic. I DID NOT break up Jessica Simpson & John Mayer.

So let's start with the facts. Yes, I did have a relationship with Jessica Simpson(I used to call her J-Simp). It was brief, but torrid. It had a real "Reckless"(1984 movie starring Aidan Quinn & Daryl Hannah- tagline-"Girls like Tracy never tell their parents about guys like Rourke.")vibe to it. We both knew it wouldn't last. Well, I knew it, J-Simp did not necessarily agree.

Before I go any further, I want you folks to know that this happened AFTER her split from Nick Lachey, and BEFORE her liaison with John Mayer. I thought I was harmless rebound guy- We would have some fun, and she would move on. It didn't happen that way. As you might expect, she became obsessed with old Paticus. It's an old story. it's happened more times than I care to remember. What can I say ? I'm a sexual dynamo. A powder keg of smoldering sexuality. Jessica got a taste, and could not get enough.

I tried to let her down easy. I told that she was a great kid, but that I wasn't the guy for her. She needed someone safer, someone that might settle down with her. J-Simp is a nester, we both knew that.

She seemed to understand and accept the truth. I thought everything was cool. She moved on to John Mayer, who's a good kid. I thought they'd be great together.

But soon the late night phone calls started. At first they seemed harmless enough. She'd call to talk about the latest episode of "Lost", or about a Ziggy cartoon she found amusing. I thought we were becoming "friends".

Then the calls became more frequent. And she would constantly want to reminisce about our "relationship". And call me a jerk, but I can only recount our trip to Six Flags so many times. And she would recount our sexual encounters, in great detail. Quite frankly, it started getting uncomfortable.

Then, JOHN started calling me. He was asking why I was still in Jessica's "Five", and why she called me all the time. I basically told him that it ain't my problem if he can't control his old lady. He didn't like that, and he challenged me to a duel.(He had recently watched "Barry Lyndon", apparently.) I told him that I had no call to duel him, and that he really should just focus on his relationship with Jessica, and not worry so much about me. I also told him that I would have one last conversation with Jessica.

Which I did, and I thought it went well. She apologized for not being able to let go, and I told her that I understood, but that she really needed to move on. She cried. A lot. But I think it finally sunk in.We left things on good terms.

And I thought that was the end of it. The phone calls stopped, and Jessica and John seemed happier than ever. And now I hear that their relationship is over. And I know how the press are, damn vultures. And I know that my name will be dragged into this, just as it was when Liza Minelli and David Guest separated, and I just figured that I would fire the opening volley this time.

So there you have it. I did date Jessica Simpson, and I suppose part of me will always love her. But we were ships passing in the night, and we both know that. I had high hopes for her and John, and I hope now that they will both be able to be happy. I just need it known that I did not destroy their relationship.
Thanks for your time.


DoctorMama said...

I am so glad I decided to catch up on blogs tonight.
I needed this.
Thank you.
(J-Simp ... genius.)

Paticus said...

DoctorMama- Glad I could be of service, and thanks for the compliment !

a.k.a. Blandly Urbane said...

"Barry Lyndon" what was I like ten? There were various instances of mammalian protuberances that enabled my young mind to enjoy it; otherwise I believe I slept.

Personally I think you're selfish and could have done more for her and them. A little less/more selfishness and you may have realized it would have been to your benefit to a degree.

Prepare for a renewed stalking...I pity you not!

Paticus said...

a.k.a.B.U.- You may be right. I was thinking a bit too much about myself. I'm a bastard.

Candice said...

Great work.