Do You Play Guitar ?

This is a question I get asked a lot.

Now, you may think it's because I have rock star good looks.

I do, but that is not why I am asked the question.

You may think it's because I look like I'm smuggling a zucchini wrapped in tinfoil in my trousers.

Guilty on that one as well, but again, it is not why I am asked this question so often.

No, I am asked this question a lot because of my fingers. More to the point, because the tips of several of my fingers are usually adorned with Band-Aids. Colorful Band-Aids(more about that later).

Why are my fingertips bandaged ? Well, guitar playing is certainly a nice guess, and affords me with more normalcy than I possess.

So it's not guitar playing...What could it be ? I suppose I could breed and care for wombats, that might cause some cuts and such on my fingertips. Alas, that is not the case. Perhaps I ma such a fan of Saturday Night Live, that i decided to live out the very first sketch on the show, and fed my fingertips to the wolverines ? That would be obsessive, but quite a story...No it's not that either...The reason I wear the Band Aids is...

I chew my fingernails...And when I say I chew my fingernails, I mean I chew my fingernails, usually producing a hangnail, which I then chew on as well. Generally, I make my fingers bleed. then I need to put Band-Aids on them. Shit, I'm chewing on my right middle finger right now.

Why do I do this ? I'm quite sure I don't know. It's a nervous habit, I suppose.

Now, when people ask me if I play guitar, and I say "No...Why do you ask ?" They invariably reply, "Oh, I saw the Band-Aids on your fingers, so I figured that you played." And that's when I usually say, "Oh no, I bite my fingernails." Then, depending on how well I know them, I will provide some manner of detail.

I had a friend when we lived in L.A. who used to tell me that I should just lie and tell people that I did play guitar, as it wasn't as weird. I had to disagree, i think that lying about why I had Band-Aids on my fingers would be a bit weirder than biting my fingernails. Plus, I watched waaaay too many sitcoms as a kid to tell that sort of lie. i knew if I did that, I would end up on stage in front off my boss, the girl I'm hoping to impress and the head of the admissions committee to some elite group I wanted to join, and I would have to admit that I could NOT,in fact, play the guitar. No sirree Bob. Not for me.

So I just tell the truth. Is that really so wrong ? It's not like it's the only thing about me that people find a bit "off".

Oh yes, I promised some detail on the Band-Aids themselves. I suppose they are a bit of an obsession in and of themselves. I decided at some point, that if I was going to wear them as often as I do, I might as well buy the interesting ones. So, I have Curious George Band-Aids, Scooby-Doo Band-Aids, Fantastic Four, Batman, in fact, I have a Spiderman Band-Aid on my thumb right now. I'm always on the look out for new ones, as well. I think the Simpsons ones were my favorites.

So, there you have it, that's why I am often asked if I play the guitar.