Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Do You Play Guitar ?

This is a question I get asked a lot.

Now, you may think it's because I have rock star good looks.

I do, but that is not why I am asked the question.

You may think it's because I look like I'm smuggling a zucchini wrapped in tinfoil in my trousers.

Guilty on that one as well, but again, it is not why I am asked this question so often.

No, I am asked this question a lot because of my fingers. More to the point, because the tips of several of my fingers are usually adorned with Band-Aids. Colorful Band-Aids(more about that later).

Why are my fingertips bandaged ? Well, guitar playing is certainly a nice guess, and affords me with more normalcy than I possess.

So it's not guitar playing...What could it be ? I suppose I could breed and care for wombats, that might cause some cuts and such on my fingertips. Alas, that is not the case. Perhaps I ma such a fan of Saturday Night Live, that i decided to live out the very first sketch on the show, and fed my fingertips to the wolverines ? That would be obsessive, but quite a story...No it's not that either...The reason I wear the Band Aids is...

I chew my fingernails...And when I say I chew my fingernails, I mean I chew my fingernails, usually producing a hangnail, which I then chew on as well. Generally, I make my fingers bleed. then I need to put Band-Aids on them. Shit, I'm chewing on my right middle finger right now.

Why do I do this ? I'm quite sure I don't know. It's a nervous habit, I suppose.

Now, when people ask me if I play guitar, and I say "No...Why do you ask ?" They invariably reply, "Oh, I saw the Band-Aids on your fingers, so I figured that you played." And that's when I usually say, "Oh no, I bite my fingernails." Then, depending on how well I know them, I will provide some manner of detail.

I had a friend when we lived in L.A. who used to tell me that I should just lie and tell people that I did play guitar, as it wasn't as weird. I had to disagree, i think that lying about why I had Band-Aids on my fingers would be a bit weirder than biting my fingernails. Plus, I watched waaaay too many sitcoms as a kid to tell that sort of lie. i knew if I did that, I would end up on stage in front off my boss, the girl I'm hoping to impress and the head of the admissions committee to some elite group I wanted to join, and I would have to admit that I could NOT,in fact, play the guitar. No sirree Bob. Not for me.

So I just tell the truth. Is that really so wrong ? It's not like it's the only thing about me that people find a bit "off".

Oh yes, I promised some detail on the Band-Aids themselves. I suppose they are a bit of an obsession in and of themselves. I decided at some point, that if I was going to wear them as often as I do, I might as well buy the interesting ones. So, I have Curious George Band-Aids, Scooby-Doo Band-Aids, Fantastic Four, Batman, in fact, I have a Spiderman Band-Aid on my thumb right now. I'm always on the look out for new ones, as well. I think the Simpsons ones were my favorites.

So, there you have it, that's why I am often asked if I play the guitar.


Lauren said...

You know, you could always just learn to play the geetar. It would go with your rock star good looks, and you wouldn't be lying, and you'd impress that girl you've been chasing for some time now (make a move, seriously).

Paticus said...

Lauren- I have tried to learn the guitar(or "ax", as it is popularly known),but that is a tale for anothe rtime.