As You Have No Doubt Already Heard...

I will not be the new manager of the New York Yankees.



They officially announced that Joe Girardi would be the new manager last week. i have not been able to speak out until now, as I was in negotiations both with the Yankees(on the extent of the gag order) and with the Pittsburgh Pirates and their vacant managerial position( I did not get that one either, but that is a tale for another day).

I can speak now, and boy do I have some tales to tell. Don't worry, the gag order is essentially toothless, I basically just can't compare any members of the Yankees organization to specific parts of the female anatomy. Not to worry, I have a thesaurus, and I am adept at using words that rhyme in the offending word's stead.

I want to start by saying that I am not bitter. I accept the gutless pansies that call themselves the New York Yankees' decision to hire Joe Girardi. They want to suck, that's their prerogative. More power to them. No bitterness on my end.

I would like to add that I'm sure that Joe Girardi is a fine individual and outstanding baseball mind. I'm quite sure that the rumblings of his participation in the disappearance of famed aviatrix Amelia Earhart are nothing but pure speculation and whimsy. I wish Joe the very best.

I would however, like to share with you my theory about why the gutless...um...bovaries(thanks to George Costanza) that are the Steinbrenner boys chose not to hire me.

One word: Fear.

It's that simple. They fear me and what I represent. What do I represent, you ask ? Progress. Forward thinking. the F-U-T-U-R-E ! Those words only scratch the surface of what I represent, my friends. But, just as it scared Jerry Jones back in February, so does it scare the Yankees' so-called "brain trust" now. They are always scared of the visionaries, my friends.

I must admit, I am disappointed. I really thought that the New York Yankees and I would have been a beautiful match...Alas, Hank Stenbrenner, that spineless Mallopian tube could not see what I saw. And that is too bad. Not for me, I will be fine, but it's too bad for the Yankee players and their fans. They are the ones being robbed.

I was feeling really good about my chances. we had a good 6 hour interview, in which we discussed everything from Babe Ruth to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I think we all learned a lot from the chat. Did you know that Yankees GM Brian Cashman was a big Dungeons and Dragons player ? It's true. And that Hal Steinbrenner has over 300 hours of Grateful Dead bootlegs ? It was an eye-opening afternoon, I'll tell you what.
Now, it wasn't all roses and toffee, don't get me wrong. They definitely bristled at the thought of renaming the new stadium Paticus Park, but I didn't push it. The concept of a seven man starting rotation was not met with much enthusiasm either, nor was my idea of having "Celebrity Pitching Nights"( Even after I told then I already had verbal commitments from Mario Lopez and Keifer Sutherland). They were also chilly to my idea of using Derek Jeter as a relief pitcher, but I think I would have been able to convince them on that one. It simply makes too much sense.
But I really thought I had the job locked up when I walked out of there. How wrong I was, huh ? It just goes to show you, I guess, that fear is a powerful thing, my friends.

Oh well. Life goes on.