Play Ball!!(And Play Bald!!)

Aaaah, Opening Day...The one day of the year when even a Mets fan can be optimistic.


 Let's Go Mets!!!!

  And, of course, I must share this today...



  And finally, as far as the play bald goes...I told you this was happening...And it happened.

  And here is me in the Charlie Brown shirt my sister made for the occasion.

 And you can still donate if you are so inclined: http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/544146/2012

Play Ball!!

I had a longer piece written for today regarding the baseball.

  But I can't quite bring myself to post it.

 But I will say this...

  Hi...I'm Paticus...And I'm a Mets fan.

No Offers Yet...

I don't know how many of you follow baseball, but you may have heard that I have not received any contract offers yet.

I was expecting to have at least had a nibble or two for my services by now. But nothing. No 5 year, 80 million dollar offer from the Red Sox. No one year, 8 million, incentive laden contract from the Kansas City Royals. Nada.Zip.Zilch. Not even a request for my medical records.

Now some people have said that the lack of interest might have something to do with the fact that I am a 38 year old, grossly out of shape type 2 diabetic with no discernible baseball talent who has not been involved in competitive baseball since an embarrassing showing playing right field in a college softball game(which I still blame on a mixture of cough syrup and clove cigarettes), but I think it may be something larger than that.

I find it a bit hard to believe that all of my free agent prospects have dried up shortly after it was revealed that when I was younger(and by the way, once again, under the influence of clove cigarettes and cough syrup) I once punted a family of chinchillas into a blast furnace(and don't bother looking for the YouTube clip, it has been taken down). I mean, a guy makes one youthful mistake, and now he's not allowed to make a living ? What else can I can I do ? I have apologized. I give half of my yearly earnings to the Foundation to Eradicate the Punting of Chinchillas. I know not what else I can do. When will I have paid enough ?

As You Have No Doubt Already Heard...

I will not be the new manager of the New York Yankees.



They officially announced that Joe Girardi would be the new manager last week. i have not been able to speak out until now, as I was in negotiations both with the Yankees(on the extent of the gag order) and with the Pittsburgh Pirates and their vacant managerial position( I did not get that one either, but that is a tale for another day).

I can speak now, and boy do I have some tales to tell. Don't worry, the gag order is essentially toothless, I basically just can't compare any members of the Yankees organization to specific parts of the female anatomy. Not to worry, I have a thesaurus, and I am adept at using words that rhyme in the offending word's stead.

I want to start by saying that I am not bitter. I accept the gutless pansies that call themselves the New York Yankees' decision to hire Joe Girardi. They want to suck, that's their prerogative. More power to them. No bitterness on my end.

I would like to add that I'm sure that Joe Girardi is a fine individual and outstanding baseball mind. I'm quite sure that the rumblings of his participation in the disappearance of famed aviatrix Amelia Earhart are nothing but pure speculation and whimsy. I wish Joe the very best.

I would however, like to share with you my theory about why the gutless...um...bovaries(thanks to George Costanza) that are the Steinbrenner boys chose not to hire me.

One word: Fear.

It's that simple. They fear me and what I represent. What do I represent, you ask ? Progress. Forward thinking. the F-U-T-U-R-E ! Those words only scratch the surface of what I represent, my friends. But, just as it scared Jerry Jones back in February, so does it scare the Yankees' so-called "brain trust" now. They are always scared of the visionaries, my friends.

I must admit, I am disappointed. I really thought that the New York Yankees and I would have been a beautiful match...Alas, Hank Stenbrenner, that spineless Mallopian tube could not see what I saw. And that is too bad. Not for me, I will be fine, but it's too bad for the Yankee players and their fans. They are the ones being robbed.

I was feeling really good about my chances. we had a good 6 hour interview, in which we discussed everything from Babe Ruth to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I think we all learned a lot from the chat. Did you know that Yankees GM Brian Cashman was a big Dungeons and Dragons player ? It's true. And that Hal Steinbrenner has over 300 hours of Grateful Dead bootlegs ? It was an eye-opening afternoon, I'll tell you what.
Now, it wasn't all roses and toffee, don't get me wrong. They definitely bristled at the thought of renaming the new stadium Paticus Park, but I didn't push it. The concept of a seven man starting rotation was not met with much enthusiasm either, nor was my idea of having "Celebrity Pitching Nights"( Even after I told then I already had verbal commitments from Mario Lopez and Keifer Sutherland). They were also chilly to my idea of using Derek Jeter as a relief pitcher, but I think I would have been able to convince them on that one. It simply makes too much sense.
But I really thought I had the job locked up when I walked out of there. How wrong I was, huh ? It just goes to show you, I guess, that fear is a powerful thing, my friends.

Oh well. Life goes on.

Baseball...

"You can't sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You've got to throw the ball over the goddamn plate and give the other man his chance. That's why baseball is the greatest game of them all." ~Earl Weaver

What a great quote. It is one of the things I do love most about baseball. You have to get the last 3 outs. there's no keeping the ball away, no running out the clock. The other team gets their "last licks" as we always called them on the sandlot(okay, it actually was a parking lot, but 'sandlot" is so much more evocative and poetic, innit ?).

So i guess I let the cat out of the bag, there, eh ? I'm a baseball fan. Actually, I doubt that's really news. i think I make frequent enough references to my beloved New York Mets(they're"...my favorite squadron.") in my posts, that you probably have picked up on it by now. And for a long time, i think i mostly just paid attention to the Mets. I mean, I would know what teams were doing well, and what teams were bad, and things like that. But lately, I find that I am more interested in the game as a whole. Or perhaps I have always been this interested, and I am only just noticing...That's probably the more likely scenario.

I don't know that I really have a point to this post(wow, the first time I typed that sentence, I misspelled EVERY word!I'm rather impressed with myself). I don't know if it's that I'm getting old, so baseball is one of the few things I can still follow, or what. But for instance, last night, Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers, pitched a no-hitter, and I love when something like atht happens(even though a Met has NEVER thrown one...EVER..Several ex-Mets have{Seaver, Nolan Ryan, Doc Gooden, David Cone} but no one wearing a Met uniform has EVER thrown a no-hitter) because they always go through the history of when the last one was thrown, when the last pitcher for that team threw one. All sorts of minutiae, and I gobble it all up.

I guess I'm a baseball geek, huh ? Is that what this is ? My baseball geek confession ? So be it.

I love baseball.
I love the New York Mets.(And believe me, they are not always easy to love)
I hate the New York Yankees.
I think that whether he took steroids or not, Barry Bonds is an arrogant asshole.
So is Alex Rodriguez.
Manny Ramirez cracks me up.
I hate the New York Yankees.
I'm not super fond of the Dodgers either(they broke my Dad's heart when they left Brooklyn, those pigfuckers. I don't forget.)
Though I do miss the 6 dollar tickets to Dodger games.
I miss going to Wrigley Field as well.
I think the Cubs might be cursed, and I find it kind of funny and kind of sad at the same time.
I love the new York Mets.
I'm not fond of the Braves or the Phillies.
I am eagerly awaiting the return of Pedro Martinez.
Did I mention that I hate the New York Yankees ?

"Pardon me, I have nothing to say..."-George Carlin

That about sums it up.



Nothing of any great substance to add. Yet, here I am typing-Why is that, do you suppose ?



I don't watch the"Office". I don't watch "Grey's Anatomy". If one more person tells me I "should" watch them, I might kick a puppy.



I am super pissed that Veronica Mars was cancelled. Pigfuckers at the CW.



Roger Clemens needs to admit that he wanted the insane amount of money that the (evil) N.Y. Yankees wanted to give him, and that is that. Has nothing to do with family or World Series rings. He wanted the cash. And more power to him. Just own up to it.



Warren Zevon is a genius.



So is Joe Strummer.



I tried Vanilla Coke Zero over the weekend. It's pretty good. Actually better than I remember Vanilla Coke tasting...back when I could rink soda with sugar in it...sigh...Excuse me, I have something in my eye....



So I hear that they are making a sitcom based on the caveman characters from the Geico commercials...Wow...



I always thought that the lizard had more breakout potential.


So, I was walking across campus on Friday, and a car passed by BLASTING "Maneater" by Hall & Oates without a hint of irony- I don't know whether that's disturbing or fantastic.

I have a ham sandwich for lunch.