No Offers Yet...

I don't know how many of you follow baseball, but you may have heard that I have not received any contract offers yet.

I was expecting to have at least had a nibble or two for my services by now. But nothing. No 5 year, 80 million dollar offer from the Red Sox. No one year, 8 million, incentive laden contract from the Kansas City Royals. Nada.Zip.Zilch. Not even a request for my medical records.

Now some people have said that the lack of interest might have something to do with the fact that I am a 38 year old, grossly out of shape type 2 diabetic with no discernible baseball talent who has not been involved in competitive baseball since an embarrassing showing playing right field in a college softball game(which I still blame on a mixture of cough syrup and clove cigarettes), but I think it may be something larger than that.

I find it a bit hard to believe that all of my free agent prospects have dried up shortly after it was revealed that when I was younger(and by the way, once again, under the influence of clove cigarettes and cough syrup) I once punted a family of chinchillas into a blast furnace(and don't bother looking for the YouTube clip, it has been taken down). I mean, a guy makes one youthful mistake, and now he's not allowed to make a living ? What else can I can I do ? I have apologized. I give half of my yearly earnings to the Foundation to Eradicate the Punting of Chinchillas. I know not what else I can do. When will I have paid enough ?