Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Paticus' Past:Volume 9: Caught Smoking !

I used to be a smoker. I quit my regular habit ten years ago. I have had a few periods where I would take smoke breaks during stressful times at work since, but it's been a few years since those, and now I will have a smoke or two if I am having a few drinks, but otherwise, I pretty much consider myself an ex-smoker. I am not a militant ex smoker, I don't mind if other people smoke, but I am not here to discuss my views on personal freedom and all that.

Nope, I'm here to regale you with the story of how my parents' found out that I smoked. Now, I did not start smoking until I was a senior in high school, and I managed to hide it from them until Graduation Night. I was almost out !!

It starts back a few weeks, at my Senior Prom...Windows on the World...Awwww...Well, they videotaped our Prom, and everyone got a copy. I don't remember when we got it, but a bunch of us went to a friends' house and watched it. Of course, it's a horror show...But the most disturbing thing about it is that of the I would say at least 30 people that were smoking at said Prom, only ONE appears in the video smoking a cigarette...Guess who ?

That's right...Your dear old narrator, Paticus. As my friends' were all saying goodbye to me, as they knew that I would certainly be killed when I arrived home and my parents saw the evidence, someone said something that gave me hope...I'm still not sure who said it, but I know I heard it..."Do your parents have to see the video ?"

Why,no...They don't...They don't even know it exists !! Holy shit, what a break !! All I had to do was hide the video, and they would never find out that I smoked !! EVER !!! It was genius !!!
And it worked...Until...Graduation...Graduation went fine, and I hung out with my friends for a bit before I went home to go out to dinner with my family.

When i got home, my Mom was on the porch. As soon as she saw me coming up the stairs, she said the following words to me..."So, where's the Prom video ?"

"Huh ?" I responded, hoping against hope that a meteor would crash in the front yard, or some other diversion would make the question disappear...Alas, it was not to be, and she simply asked the question again. I knew from watching 5 brothers and sisters get in trouble that lying was not going to help, so I needed to buy some time for that meteor to hit the front yard.

"How do you know there's a prom video ?"

"Mrs. So-and-So(not an alias, by the way, there was a kid named Jasper So-And-So in my class, he was Norwegian, I think) said that you looked cute on it." (On a side note, Mrs. So-And-So is correct, I am absolutely adorable on the video, I wore a top hat and tails, plus I'm high and a little drunk, which is always charming)

"Oh, well you don't want to see that anyway. It's cheaply made. Absolutely no production value. It's really grainy.It's a piece of crap, really."
"I would like to see it."

"Really, Mom, you don't. It's stupid."

" I want to see it." It was time to take a different angle, one that I was pretty sure was just going to back me into a corner, but I was pretty well fucked anyway, so I thought I would throw up the Hail Mary Pass.

"Well, I would rather you didn't see it." I figured, maybe,just MAYBE, she would see it as a free speech issue, and respect my privacy, and let it go.

"Why don't you want me to see it ?" Here's where it got sticky for me. I obviously couldn't give the real reason. I went with the old teenager standby.

"I dunno. Just 'cause I don't." I knew that wouldn't work.

" Why don't you want me to see it ?" It was over. My only chance would have been to punch her and run away. That wasn't gonna happen.

"Because I'm smoking in it, okay ?"

"That's okay. I smoked when I was your age." I knew she had smoked. In fact, she smoked when I was a kid, and I used to beg her to quit. But I still expected her to be mad. That was okay, though, as my Dad was mad enough for both of them.

I went up to my room, and I held out hope that she would not tell my Dad, but as soon as I walked down the stairs, I could see the look in his eye. He was pissed. But worse than that, I knew he was disappointed, and for me, the only thing worse than pissing my Dad off was disappointing him.

He looked at me and said, "You know, that why I can't breathe." Then he walked away. My dad had smoked too, and he also owned and worked in a bar, and he had asthma due to it.
We went to dinner, and everything seemed okay. Then my friends came to pick me up, and I said I was leaving, and my Dad told me to be home by ten. I was about to protest, but I thought better of it and shut up.

We went to a graduation party, but got kicked out because it was "only for close friends". I heard that one of the neighbors called in a noise complaint shortly after that, but I'm sure we knew nothing about that.

Anyway, it was 9:30. and we were gonna go over to another kid's house, so I called my house, and my Dad answered the phone. I told him that my friends were going to this other kids house, and before I could ask for an extension, he said,'Listen, I didn't realize what time it was when you left, you can stay out, I'll see you later." I thanked him and hung up the phone.

I was never comfortable smoking in front of my Dad. I doubt I did it more than a couple of times in the ten years I smoked.

So that's how my folks found out I smoked.


Feral Mom said...

Officially, my parents never knew I smoked.

Unofficially, my mother wondered aloud, in front of my brother, why "Feral's clothes smelled like smoke?"

To which my brother(fucker) replied: "It's her choice, Mom."

Sigh. Siblings. Loved this post (and the cute as heck Xmas card!)

Paticus said...

Feral- I don't know for sure if any of my siblings knew before my parents' or not.
thanks for the compliment, and glad you liked the card !!!

MissHell said...

Prom video??? Why the hell do I not know about this atrocious thing? I certainly did not get a copy, nor did I know it existed until now. That's what I get for being a pothead at such a young age, huh? Sheesh.