Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Apparently, I Will Not Be The Next Vice-President Of The United States

And that makes this a truly sad day for the United States Of America. Couple this news with the fact that we lost the feistiest of the "Golden Girls" yesterday,and I think the suicide hot lines should probably make sure that they are fully staffed for the next couple of days...Their phones are gonna be a ringin'.
How did this happen ,you ask ? Well, since you asked, I will tell you.

It's no secret that the Obama campaign has been considering me for Vice President, or Veep, as I like to call it, for some time now. What many of you might NOT know, is that all of this Veep talk started waaaay back during the primaries, and it started with one Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Now, Hillary has been in love with me for a loooong time.Those of you that have known me for a long time recall that back in the late 90's, she had rather an obsession with old Paticus. I worked as a volunteer on one of her senatorial campaigns, and, well, she liked how I..."licked an envelope" I believe is the phrase she used, and then arched her eyebrows in a way that made me both uncomfortable, and, if I'm being honest with myself, slightly aroused.

I told her that I already had a special lady, and she said something about whether my lady friend had a leather crotchless pantsuit with a matching mask, and I replied that, in fact, she did not. Just as she was climbing onto my desk, a group of other volunteers came into the room, and she backed away from me.

The come ons persisted for the next few months, as did my rejection, but that did not slow her down. I battled through it, finished the campaign, and went on my merry way, figuring it was finished.

But it was not. The e-mails soon started. And the naked photos. And the gifts. And the unannounced visits to my home AND my work.It was really getting out of hand, I tell you. Then, it all just stopped. I still don't know why, but it did.

Until a few months ago, when Hillary was running for president. I was kickin' it at the crib, and my cell gives me a little vibrate, so I answer it. It was one of Hillary's advisers, and Hillary wanted to meet with me about the possibility of being her running mate in the '08 election. I was, of course, flattered, but I knew what she really wanted, so I had to decline.

But get this, I guess news of the phone call reached the Obama camp, and they became interested in me.

I know all of this sounds bazonkers, but it's true. I'm guessing that maybe Obama, standing for hope and positivity and all, thought that my negativity and cynicism might be a strong contrast. I don't know. Or maybe he just wanted to "pale up" the ticket. I could not tell you.

What I CAN tell you, is that our meeting did not go well. We were not a good fit. For one thing, he did not appreciate that I kept saying "Obamaramalama" at the top of my lungs. And I guess the background check came back between the time we set the meeting and the time the meeting happened, because there were apparently some things in my past that did not make them jump for joy either. I guess Mr. Obama thinks the U.S., is not ready for a Veep with a past as an erotic entertainer. They were not impressed with the work of Miles O'Wood. Or at least they CLAIMED to not be impressed. I think I saw a few of the ladies shooting old Paticus the "look", if you know what I mean.

We also did not see eye to eye on a lot of the issues, and he definitely thought I answered waaay too many policy questions with, "Duude, I just don't care."

There were a few things that we clicked on, and I would not be shocked to see some form of my stance on marijuana make it into Obama's platform: Free and mandatory is what I called it, but I'm guessing the spin machine might come up with something catchier. But I think you'll recognize it.
So there you have it, I will apparently NOT be the next Veep of the United States of America. Unless....Hey Nader, gimme a call, dude.

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