Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Holidays !!!

      Holiday Letter 2009

Another year gone by. Wow. It feels like it’s been 360 days, tops. But the calendar and my probation officer say that it’s 365. Boy howdy. Time sure does fly.

  Where shall I start?  The Good? The Bad? The Ugly? The S-So? The National Average? the Tall? The Short? The Pudgy? The Inane? The Laughable? The Serio-Comic? The Dramedy?

  Let’s start with our most recent development: As many of you know, I was once again NOT selected as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. It sting, but I’m beginning to heal, and I simply need to move on. Obviously, People magazine was going for the eccentric, island owning, traditionally attractive man, and of course, that’s Depp(especially since Brando and Bert Convey are dead). I was hoping that they might be a little braver, and see the sexy in a rather unattractive, overweight, nearing 40, pop culture obsessed Office Manager type. I guess we simply had differing opinions. But, “it is what it is”, to quote the sage Charlotte Rae. Thank you, Edna K. Thank you, and your Edibles.

   To get all the ugliness out of the way first…Once again, our girls(RLB & LAB) do not have any sort of sports championship or medal or ribbon to show for their efforts. The shame is unbearable, and I am sure to let them know it, every single chance I get. Their birthday present this year? Matching tee shirts that say “World’s Greatest Daughter? Nope, That Distinction Will Probably Go To Someone Who Actually WANTS To Achieve Greatness”. It’s a technique I learned from my parenting idol, Emmanuel Agassi. I think I might have a slightly different report in the old Holiday letter next year.

  And finally, let’s just get the news of my arrest out of the way. Reports in the media were blown waaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion. While it is true, that I was arrested for standing in the middle of Appalachee Parkway holding a light saber and wearing nothing but my wookiee fur boxer shorts, I was NOT quoting from the Bible. I was quoting Black Crowes lyrics. And the whole thing could have been avoided, except that I misread the label on the Robitussin bottle and mixed it some Easter Oreos and three straight days of no sleep whatsoever. BIG mistake and one I do not plan to make again. On the plus side( a silver lining, if you will), the mile 140 mark of old Rte 10 in Tallahassee will be SPARKLY thanks to my 1100 hours of community service, and my commitment to excellence. You’re welcome, Tallahassee.

     Enough of all that, let’s move on to the positive, shall we? Very well then.

 Thankfully, LAB & RLB’s forays into the Arts have worked out better than their sporting endeavors, so Jen and I have renewed their contracts, and they will be a part of the Paticus family for the next 4 years, with a family held option for a 5th AND a 6th year. That’s right, assuming positive yearly performance reviews, LAB and RLB are locked up as Paticus members through 2015!

    I am sure you are wondering exactly what caused us to commit to these long term deals, well let me tell you. RLB  has written a new novel that will not just knock your socks off, but it will take your pants, too! It is dynamite!!!Always a student of the trends, she saw what was happening with the vampire/werewolf thing and took it not one, but FIVE steps further! She has written the first ZOMBIE teen serial novel! Can you believe that ? It’s called “Rotting Heart”, and it focuses on a young boy named Giuseppe who is a high school freshman in South Dakota, who falls for Sara, the new girl with something “a little different about her”. Will anyone ever understand their love? A nice advance check for novels 2 through 20 says people better try to understand it.

  And LAB has moved away from music a little. She still composes, because she can’t NOT compose, right? If the music is in there, it’s gotta come out. But it’s not her passion at the moment. No, she has thrown herself into a brand new hybrid of interpretive dance/performance art, and she is blowing minds up and down the Eastern seaboard.  Her current project addresses the current ecological crisis, economic crisis, and crisis of conscience that are plaguing our society. It opens with LAB dressed as Shamu, and she kills a mermaid from a helicopter with an AK-47. The helicopter LANDS, AND Lillian emerges, only to be stabbed in the heart by the trident of the mermaid’s father. He takes the body of the orca and his still living daughter to the merdoctor, only to have them reject him for lack of insurance! Both the orca AND the mermaid die, and then the merking extracts a bloody revenge on the undersea world. It’s powerful, hypnotic stuff. Keep your eyes peeled for a performance in your area.

  As for My Special Lady, she’s just as amazing as always. She took a big step into the craft world this year, and she is amazing at it, of course. At the recent county fair, her presidential busts made from used bars of soap, lawn grass, and dried apricots sold like hotcakes!! Not surprisingly, Calvin Coolidge was the first to go! And her latest craft challenge? A life-size statue of BigFoot(aka Sasquatch) made entirely of barber shop hair clippings and discarded apple cores! Amazing!!

   I think that’s all I have for you this year. Here’s wishing you all a fantastic, happy, and healthy holiday season and 2010!!