Happy Groundhog day!!!!

Please enjoy this post from Groundhog Day, 2006.


That's right, this morning, the Groundhog popped out of his hole, and saw his shadow, signifying six more weeks of winter...

And then, following the yearly Groundhog Day tradition, a sniper recorded a killshot on the Groundhog(Phil, I believe is his name) and the carcass is brought to Fran's Roadside Diner, where he was prepared for the Groundhog Day feast.

That's right, families all over the country will be enjoying Groundhog for dinner this Groundhog Day, as they have for years, and a select few lucky people will dine on the charred flesh of the actual prognosticating rodent: This year, the chosen few will be enjoying a groundhog meatloaf, generously basiled, some garlic mashed potatoes, and a green bean dish that is an old family secret from Fran herself.

This year's roster includes the Mayor of Punxsutawney, his wife, former Pittsburgh Steeler standout linebacker Jack Lambert, Jennifer Aniston, Regis Philbin, Jack Black, Andy Serkis(who apparently has a DEAD-ON groundhog impersonation that he has been working on for the occasion) and a few local radio station contest winners.

It really is a fabulous meal...How would I know that, you ask ?Well, I happened to attend the meal in 1999...It's a good story, let me share it with you now...I was a little surprised when I got the call for the Groundhog Day Dinner in Punxsutawney, but they told me they had seen my critically acclaimed work in the "Vagina Monologues" and they wanted me at the dinner- Well, who the hell was I to turn them down ?

I will spare you the drama of my preparations and especially the tuxedo fitting(Christ, the tailor spent 45 minutes trying to get an exact measurement of where I "hang", so to speak...Needless to say, it made me very uncomfortable- but I did look good) and we'll skip ahead to the dinner itself...I was the first to arrive(being relatively young, I was naive to the "fashionably late " entrance) but I got to have a good long chat with Fran, who told me the most fascinating story of her time as an underwear inspector for Hanes(she was Inspector number 48) and the time she found a human head in a pair of tiger print bikini briefs. The assembly line had to be shut down for two weeks while it was investigated( it turned out to be the result of a monetary dispute between an employee and a bookie over some illegal gambling on The People's Choice Awards).

But soon enough, the other guests arrived, I ate dinner with the Mayor of Punxsutawney and his wife, filmmaker David Lynch, singer Shakira, actor Tim Robbins, and former Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Babe Laufenberg. There were no contest winners, as they had discovered widespread cheating and suspended the contest for that year.

The dinner was groundhog tacos, with guacamole and a lime mango salsa, served in a soft flour or corn tortilla(our choice) with a side of refried beans, and washed down with a liquor fermented from strawberries and kiwi. It was quite a taste treat...I spent most of my time chatting with Mr. Lynch about the symbolism of the radiator in "Eraserhead", and things were going really well, but then the liquor snuck up on me, and the last thing I remember was telling Tim Robbins that he was no Tom Selleck, and then apparently I made a rather lewd comment to the Mayor's wife about her "taco" and the Mayor punched me in the face, and he and Babe Laufenberg put me in the trunk of a cab and had me dropped off at the Delaware Water Gap.

I woke up in the weeds there on the 4th of February, without any pants on...I have since undergone regression therapy for the night, and I found out that the episode was triggered because the mayor's wife was a dead ringer for the governess that set fire to my Star Wars toys as a child and then would only allow me to put them out by urinating on them, but I suffered from acute pee-shyness( a fact the governess was well aware of, by the way), and I simply had to watch them melt...It's okay, I am over it, and someday I will no longer have to pee in a sensory deprivation chamber...Helluva Groundhog Day though, I'll tell you what. In the long run, I'm glad it happened, as it started me on the road to healing, so Groundhog Day will always hold a special place in my heart... So, tonight, I am going to whip up a little Groundhog Goulash from a recipe I picked up from www.1001WaysToServeRodents.com, and hunker down for 6 more weeks of winter. Enjoy your Groundhog Day, everybody !

Happy Holidays !!!

      Holiday Letter 2009

Another year gone by. Wow. It feels like it’s been 360 days, tops. But the calendar and my probation officer say that it’s 365. Boy howdy. Time sure does fly.

  Where shall I start?  The Good? The Bad? The Ugly? The S-So? The National Average? the Tall? The Short? The Pudgy? The Inane? The Laughable? The Serio-Comic? The Dramedy?

  Let’s start with our most recent development: As many of you know, I was once again NOT selected as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. It sting, but I’m beginning to heal, and I simply need to move on. Obviously, People magazine was going for the eccentric, island owning, traditionally attractive man, and of course, that’s Depp(especially since Brando and Bert Convey are dead). I was hoping that they might be a little braver, and see the sexy in a rather unattractive, overweight, nearing 40, pop culture obsessed Office Manager type. I guess we simply had differing opinions. But, “it is what it is”, to quote the sage Charlotte Rae. Thank you, Edna K. Thank you, and your Edibles.

   To get all the ugliness out of the way first…Once again, our girls(RLB & LAB) do not have any sort of sports championship or medal or ribbon to show for their efforts. The shame is unbearable, and I am sure to let them know it, every single chance I get. Their birthday present this year? Matching tee shirts that say “World’s Greatest Daughter? Nope, That Distinction Will Probably Go To Someone Who Actually WANTS To Achieve Greatness”. It’s a technique I learned from my parenting idol, Emmanuel Agassi. I think I might have a slightly different report in the old Holiday letter next year.

  And finally, let’s just get the news of my arrest out of the way. Reports in the media were blown waaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion. While it is true, that I was arrested for standing in the middle of Appalachee Parkway holding a light saber and wearing nothing but my wookiee fur boxer shorts, I was NOT quoting from the Bible. I was quoting Black Crowes lyrics. And the whole thing could have been avoided, except that I misread the label on the Robitussin bottle and mixed it some Easter Oreos and three straight days of no sleep whatsoever. BIG mistake and one I do not plan to make again. On the plus side( a silver lining, if you will), the mile 140 mark of old Rte 10 in Tallahassee will be SPARKLY thanks to my 1100 hours of community service, and my commitment to excellence. You’re welcome, Tallahassee.

     Enough of all that, let’s move on to the positive, shall we? Very well then.

 Thankfully, LAB & RLB’s forays into the Arts have worked out better than their sporting endeavors, so Jen and I have renewed their contracts, and they will be a part of the Paticus family for the next 4 years, with a family held option for a 5^th AND a 6^th year. That’s right, assuming positive yearly performance reviews, LAB and RLB are locked up as Paticus members through 2015!

    I am sure you are wondering exactly what caused us to commit to these long term deals, well let me tell you. RLB  has written a new novel that will not just knock your socks off, but it will take your pants, too! It is dynamite!!!Always a student of the trends, she saw what was happening with the vampire/werewolf thing and took it not one, but FIVE steps further! She has written the first ZOMBIE teen serial novel! Can you believe that ? It’s called “Rotting Heart”, and it focuses on a young boy named Giuseppe who is a high school freshman in South Dakota, who falls for Sara, the new girl with something “a little different about her”. Will anyone ever understand their love? A nice advance check for novels 2 through 20 says people better try to understand it.

  And LAB has moved away from music a little. She still composes, because she can’t NOT compose, right? If the music is in there, it’s gotta come out. But it’s not her passion at the moment. No, she has thrown herself into a brand new hybrid of interpretive dance/performance art, and she is blowing minds up and down the Eastern seaboard.  Her current project addresses the current ecological crisis, economic crisis, and crisis of conscience that are plaguing our society. It opens with LAB dressed as Shamu, and she kills a mermaid from a helicopter with an AK-47. The helicopter LANDS, AND Lillian emerges, only to be stabbed in the heart by the trident of the mermaid’s father. He takes the body of the orca and his still living daughter to the merdoctor, only to have them reject him for lack of insurance! Both the orca AND the mermaid die, and then the merking extracts a bloody revenge on the undersea world. It’s powerful, hypnotic stuff. Keep your eyes peeled for a performance in your area.

  As for My Special Lady, she’s just as amazing as always. She took a big step into the craft world this year, and she is amazing at it, of course. At the recent county fair, her presidential busts made from used bars of soap, lawn grass, and dried apricots sold like hotcakes!! Not surprisingly, Calvin Coolidge was the first to go! And her latest craft challenge? A life-size statue of BigFoot(aka Sasquatch) made entirely of barber shop hair clippings and discarded apple cores! Amazing!!

   I think that’s all I have for you this year. Here’s wishing you all a fantastic, happy, and healthy holiday season and 2010!!

Paticus Family Holiday Letter 2008

It’s that time of year again. Time for me to regale everyone with my family’s triumphs and tragedies for the past year. And regale I shall!!!

Let’s see, what has happened this year? RLB and LAB turned 3 on September 10^th, and I turned 29 on the same day. And, of course, my lovely Special Lady turned 25 a few days later. We are quite the dynamic, young family, I will tell you what. We decided to have the birthday party at a local park, and luckily, it was around 90 degrees that day, with a relative humidity of 98 percent or so. Just fantastic weather to be chasing 3 year olds around.

What else can I tell you?

On the plus side…No arrests this year! Now, for you sticklers…Yes, I was detained a couple of times, but there were never any official arrest (though I am forbidden to ever enter an Arby’s again), so we can put that one in the plus column for 2008! Hooray for me!!

The girls once again failed to qualify for the Olympic team. NOT our proudest moment as a family. But fear not, I have made it absolutely clear how utterly disappointed I am in them, and I think that my new plan of withholding affection until they succeed will really pay off. I think you can expect to see RLB and LAB on the U.S. Ladies Water Polo team in 2012.Either that, or you may see My Special Lady and I with some newer, BETTER children.

On the plus side for the girls, their academic pursuits are really staggering. RLB has just finished a stage play based on some of the goings on at her daycare (they do say “write what you know” don’t they?) and it is called “No, You Are the Poopyhead: Tales (and Tears) From the Swing Set”. After only a few dress rehearsals, Ron Howard has contacted RLB about film rights.

Not to be outdone, LAB has written a sonata for recorder, triangle and voice that is entitled “My Moosey and Monkey Are Sisters and Poopyheads”. Some of the lyrics are quite impressive. A sample:

“My Moosey is a poopyhead

My Monkey is her sister

Monkey is also a poopyhead

But aren’t we all,

Poopyheads on the inside?”

Take that, Axl Rose!

My Special Lady, of course, has continued with her sharp shooting. She can now hit a tin can off of a fencepost from a thousand yards. And if you ask her to hit the second O in Coors, she will hit that durn second “O’ in Coors!!

Fenwick the cat…Well, Fenwick is doing well. He has decided to really focus on eating and sleeping, and I tell you what, he is a natural at it. There is just nobody that can touch him when he eats and sleeps. He’s a regular Bowl and Chair Jordan!!

And me, aw shucks. I just “keep on, keepin’ on”, as the man once said. I’m still working on my one act play about the life and times of “Little Debbie” of Little Debbie snack cakes fame, which is tentatively titled: “Blood on The Mixer: The Ballad of Little Debbie and Twinkie the Kid”: It tells the true tale of a romance between Little Debbie and Twinkie spokesman “Twinkie the Kid” that turned deadly after he caught her in a hotel room with Fruit Pie the Magician and Cap’n Crunch. I’m pretty excited by it. (Possible poster artwork below.)

And what will 2009 hold? Who knows? But to quote the lyrics of a certain songstress: “We’ll all still be poopyheads on the inside.”

Happy Holidays Everyone !!!!

Paticus & Family

Meet My Ties Volume 39 !!

"Santa Scores"
Alynn Neckwear
100% silk
Made In USA



That's right, the Holiday season has officially hit Sandwich Flats. I put up the Christmas/Hanukkah lights at our house last night, and they were mostly greeted with awe and wonder...Well, except for the fact that the girls wanted me to put them in the backyard. Oh, well.
Of course, that also means it's time for the Holiday ties !! Whoo-friggin'-hoo, huh ?
This week's, of course, is Santa playing hockey. Does it get any more traditionally holiday-ish than that ? I don't think it does.
Here's a closer look:


Happy Monday, Crimestoppers !!!

The Tale Of The First Easter

That's right, by popular demand, here is the story of the first Easter,fresh from the Archives....

I hope everybody is having a nice Easter, and for those of you who do not celebrate Easter, I hope you are having a good day of thinking about why you have chosen to go straight to hell...I'm kidding, I'm kidding, Today is Easter Sunday, the day that Catholics and Christians alike celebrate Jesus driving the bunnies out of Ireland...Of course you all know that the colorfully decorated or "dyed" eggs that we hide from the children as a fun and loud and messy game nowadays all started as a method for Jesus to rid Ireland of bunnies, as the bunnies were ruining the potato crop, and knocking over whiskey bottles and pints of Guinness, those furry, twitchy nosed little bastards !!

Sorry, I lost my head there for a moment...But where was I ? Oh yes, Jesus driving the bunnies out with colorfully dyed eggs....It's a little known fact that bunnies eyes work as prisms...Light enters their iris', and just refracts all over the god-damned place, it's like rabbits are continually tripping on one of those"'psychedelic drugs" that those smelly bearded types are so fond of, you know the ones I'm talking about...But Jesus figured out that if you scattered brightly decorated eggs all over Ireland, the bunnies would see them, and the overdose of refracted light would temporarily stun the bunnies, and then they could be stuffed in sacks to be thrown into the River Shannon, and then families gathered at the river Shannon to scoop out the sacks as they floated by and all of Ireland had boiled(of course) rabbit for dinner...

So that's the story of the first Easter...Of course nowadays it's all about jelly beans and chocolate and we gather the eggs from the fields rather than the stunned bunnies, and there is some sort of vague religious celebration attached to it, but it all started with renegade bunnies, and a hippie taking advantage of their psychedelic eyeballs...Happy Easter everyone !!!