Saturday, March 26, 2005

Apparently, someone wants to have sex with me...

Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are, but it seems to be true...at least according to my "new best friend"(that's how he signed the letter he sent me) Max Eden...according to Max, I was referred to him by a secret admirer(one of his sex scouts {emphasis his})as someone who is perfect for the following ad:

LOOKING FOR "REAL MEN" TO BE IN A PORN MOVIE IN YOUR AREA. ACTORS AND CAMERA MEN WANTED. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. WE TRAIN. AGE/RACE NOT IMPORTANT. (MUST BE AT LEAST 18)

Pretty exciting, huh ? Max then proceeds to tell me that the porn business is "tired"..."We need new blood, Like you. We currently are looking for a few, select guys who want to have sex with beautiful, XXX starlets and get paid for their time. What do you say, Patrick ?" Frankly, I don't know what to say. What a fabulous opportunity this is, and it has just fallen in my lap(if you know what I mean-wink, wink). Why am I the recipient of all this good luck ? And just who is this secret admirer that my new best friend Max Eden is telling me about ? My brain is simply buzzing from the possibilities !! But wait, there's more !!
Max then shares with me some information about the women I'll be working with. " There are college girls doing it simply to earn a quick buck for school. There are nymphos who simply love sex. There are older gals trying to live out a fantasy.
BOTTOM LINE, PATRICK: YOU WILL HAVE SEX WITH ALL OF THEM AND GET PAID." Now hold the phone a moment there Max, best friend or no, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you practically ordering me to have sex with all these women.
But Max went on to assure me: " Patrick, this will change your life. You'll be totally in charge of your sexual future." Well, hot dog, Max, you are my new best friend. Where do I go from here ? How do i get started ?

Max continues: " This opportunity is only for men who are serious about the SEX BUSINESS. We are charging a nominal fee for the information to weed out curiosity seekers. You'll make the fee back once you start working. " Wow, that Max sure is a wise businessman, and I certainly wouldn't want to start my porn career with someone who wasn't business savvy enough to " weed out the curiosity seekers." And besides, the fee is only nominal, and I will get it back.
And if I wasn't sold already, Max had more to add: "As a SPECIAL BONUS we will include a FREE contact list of women looking for sexual friends. These are not girls in the "biz". These girls are just looking for fun. You can use these contacts in between "jobs". " Wow. Max is truly the best friend I have been searching my whole life for...one who can get me into the porn business AND give me a list of loose women in my immediate vicinity.
MAX EDEN WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!
So, as you can see, all my prayers have been answered. But fear not, I will remember all the people I knew before I started in the "biz"...but this is my dream, folks, and I must reach for that well lubricated brass ring !!!
Where is my checkbook !! I have a nominal fee to pay to Max Eden, my new best friend.
pjb

3 comments:

Jen said...

Pat - you get the strangest junk mail possible. Although to be fair this one is probably my fault. You buy one dildo and look what happens.

Paticus said...

Whaaaa....?????? You always said that vibrating sound was a shoe buffer !!!...I suppose that other "device" isn't a rock tumbler either ? I wondered why my feldspar always came out all "oily"....

Feral Mom said...

hee hee. you guys are funny. just wanted to let you know I'm reading!

love ya, Loretta