Thursday, March 31, 2005

I Never Learn

How many times had I been told ? Ten...maybe twenty million times ? No, that's just an exaggeration for dramatic effect, but let's just say I had been told quite a few times...did I listen ? Ooooooh noooo, not me, I am not the listening type.
I mean, what the hell was I thinking ? Did I have my head up my ass ? No, because as we know, that is physically impossible...I was absent-minded, I guess...maybe that's the best way to put it...yeah, that's it...I was absent minded...my mind was in-absentia...looking back on it, I should have guessed when I called roll at 6 a.m. and my mind didn't answer. Eyes ? Here ! Nose ? Present ! Mouth ? Aqui ! Mind ?...mind ?....MIND?!?!??...no answer. Well, I just figured it was asleep...no problem, I had started many a day with my mind asleep, I figured it would catch up later.
Needless to say, I would soon find out it was worse than my mind just being asleep...much worse. I went about my way, blissfully unaware of any trouble...that is until I bumped into Albert Einstein, which was VERY odd as he had been dead for fifty years or so...but he looked good..we had a perfectly cordial chat...discussed the New York Mets and the chances of Arrested Development getting a third season, and then Albert grabbed me by the shoulder and said..."My dear boy, I do believe you left your mind at home." I nodded, and Albert smiled...I thanked him for that valuable morsel of information, and excused myself to retrieve my brain.
I immediately ran into the street, and was almost hit by a cab. " Hey, asshole...you lost your mind or something ?" the cabbie yelled. "Why yes, I have, fine cab driving citizen" I said. "And thank you for your concern...but I'm on my way to retrieve it right now ! " And I went on my way.
I arrived back home to a very disturbing note on my kitchen table:
Patrick:
I cannot live in your head anymore. It smells in there. You never clean your god-damned ears. Besides, I cannot handle watching "Sifl & Olly" anymore. So long, Bucko !!
Mr. Cerebellum.

Mr. Cerebellum ? Why so formal ? Had I really made things that bad for him ? I felt awful. I vowed to set things right...as luck would have it, there was a trail of cerebral fluid leading out the back door of the house. I followed it for a long time, and it lead me deep into the woods, where I made a horrifying discovery...my mind had wandered into a bear trap...it was dead...my mind wad dead.
I was stunned...I didn't know how to feel...i slowly wandered back to the house...I climbed into bed and lit a cigarette...i dozed off, burning down the house...what was i thinking, smoking in bed ? HAD I LOST MY MIND ?

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