Sunday, May 22, 2005

Blueberry Puke-A-Thon...Volume 2

They say that famous people die in threes, right ? Well, at Blueberry Library weddings, apparently the rule is that pukings happen in twos...That's right, true believers, tonight, for the 2nd time during my tenure as the Facilities Coordinator at the Blueberry Library, I had the outrageous fortune of dealing with TWO, count 'em...TWO puking incidents...For those of you unfamiliar with the first such incident, let me give a brief synopsis...I was working a wedding on a beautiful Sunday, when i was informed by one of the Bridal Party that someone had thrown up in the mens room( I'll warn you right now, I think i will try and use as many different terms for puking as I can think of)...This did not bode well for the day, as not only had the reception not started, the WEDDING CEREMONY had not taken place yet, and we had someone yakking.. I grabbed a mop and bucket and headed on down to the bathroom..,.Sure enough, there was a pile of vomit...but here's the thing..it was in front of the toilet in such a fashion that the person had clearly blown chunks whilst sitting on the toilet...odd, then, I noticed that the barf was covered in ash...The upchucker had SMOKED A CIGARETTE and ashed in his own rejected bile...WHAT THE FUCK ?...So, i set forth to mumble and curse a blue streak and mop up the returned meal when a gentleman entered the bathroom...He watched me at work for a short while longer than I was comfortable with and left the bathroom...The day continued...And then I got a call on the radio telling me that someone had blown chunks in the downstairs men's room... What do you think I found when I entered the john ?...Same damn modus operandi...Same placing...Same ashing...We had a serial regurgitator on our hands...Fortunately for me, one of my staff had arrived by this time, so I asked him to tend to the cleanup...And wouldn't you know it, the same damn guy entered the bathroom while the cleanup was occurring...He WAS a serial vomitor, and he was like the guys on the crime shows that they scan for in the news footage..It was nuts...Anyway, I spent most of the rest of the day dealing with him, he laid(lied ? layed ? I always get that wrong) down in the middle of the floor by the basement bathrooms...Then he was laying(lying?) on a car in the parking lot...Finally, we got someone to take him home...Which brings me to tonight's' intestinal fireworks..Which are far less interesting, except for the fact that they came in a pair...First, I get a call over the radio that one of the wedding guests has the stomach flu, and threw up in the garbage can...No biggie, I think, I'll just change the bag...Well, it was not that simple...The radio report was a bit of an understatement...The guest had barfed in. On and around the garbage can...A real joy to clean up(they had eaten the salad, if anyone's interested)...Then I get the call that someone had upchucked on the sidewalk outside the library..Again,a bit of an understatement...The person had walked along for about 40 feet and puked the whole way...For a moment I thought they may had been trying to spell out their name( or perhaps the name of their beloved) but it was just a trick of the light...Anyhoo, that one got cleaned up as well...But it was a magical night, in a way...A very vile, disgusting way...Good night true believers...And ask me sometime about the guy who shit all over the floor of the bathroom one lovely day in June...

3 comments:

Jen said...

Puke and shit; do you have any pee stories?

Christine said...

You should really do a Blueberry Library Colloquium on all the stuff you've had to clean up. Of course, that would make people lose their coffee and cookies, and then there'd just be more work for you to do, so maybe not.

Christine said...

That last comment was me, I don't know why it didn't put my name on it.