Thursday, November 24, 2005

How Can I Be Expected To Be Thankful ?

Have you heard the news ? I only just heard it myself...I was watching an episode of "The Howard Stern Show" from E! Entertainment Television when they broke in with the breaking news...And my first thought was an overwhelming desire for it to be April 1st, and that this be a fake news story...But deep in my heart, I knew it was true...Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have finally called it quits...And the first question is this: Just what the hell is this world coming to ? What kind of world is it where these two crazy kids can't make it work ? I mean, their relationship was based on such a deep mutual respect, that if they can't last, what chance do the rest of us have ? I feel like I should set fire to my marriage certificate and piss on the ashes...I might as well feed my wedding band to Preston the possum for Pete's sake...If Nick And Jessica can't make it, then the whole institution of marriage is a sham...I mean, how much abuse can one sacrament take ? I mean, first of all, this Renee Zellwegger/Kenny Chesney tragedy- I mean, who would have thunk it that their union wouldn't last ? They dated for a full twelve and a half minutes before getting married- they just knew it was right, but then it was wrong...And now this...Maybe Oprah is right about marriage too...Maybe she knows that the institution itself is poisonous...And that's why she won't marry that Steadman fella...I mean, she is smarter than Jesus and Dr. Joyce Brothers put together...She certainly knows how to choose literature...But enough about the Almighty...Back to the pain...What will they do now ?...Are there enough strippers in the world to fill up the Jessica sized hole inside Nick Lachey ? And what of fair Jessica ? She's no spring chicken...Will another man want her now ? Maybe her sister can warble an inspirational tune to her while their Dad leers at them...But what about us ? How do we get through the pain ? And especially today ? Does the Hollywood news machine need to be this heartless ? Did they have to break this news today ? How am I to give thanks ? Sure, I have a pretty good life..I have a pretty fine Special Lady, I have two adorable healthy daughters, some dear, dear friends and family,that rash is finally clearing up, my ears are slowly returning to their original shape, the medication seems to be controlling the mood swings, and the 27 hour erection brought on by my accidental ingestion of Cialis has finally subsided(much to my Special Lady's chagrin, if you catch my drift- wink wink)...And the Mets have solved their power problem at first base with their trade for slugging first baseman Carlos Delgado...But that all pales when I think of the fact that a true storybook romance has come to an end..I just feel unhinged..I mean, how may nights have My Special Lady and I whiled away playing "Nick And Jessica" in our own bedroom ? I have lost count...What will we do now ? Play Brad and Angelina ? Or Ben and Jennifer ? It's just not the same...Nick and Jessica were put on this Earth to save the institution of marriage, and they have failed...Now, matters are worse...

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