Monday, June 19, 2006

The World Cup...

I'm sure that many of you were surprised when you saw the announced roster for the United State's World Cup team did not contain the familiar moniker of yours truly...I am here to assure you, it was not a typo or oversight...There will be no Paticus in the World Cup this year...
I will give you a few minutes to process that information and deal with your grief...Let me sing you a bit of one of my favorite songs...

"Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
The smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

(Chorus)Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Playin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

(Chorus)Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight people

Oh-Whoah-Oh "

Aaaaah, Journey, "Don't Stop Believin'"...Arena rock at it's best...I must confess, I chose to sing you that song for a reason, because I think it pretty accurately describes my relationship with the U.S. World Cup team...I AM that small town girl(or I was, anyway)...And the World Cup team was my midnight train going anywhere...Unfortunately, while the ride was sometimes fun and exhilarating, the final destination, the "anywhere" was heartache and loneliness...That's what i am here to tell you, The United States World Cup Soccer Team red carded my heart, those sexy, shorted bastards !!!!

At one time, I would have laid my life on the line for those guys( And anyone out there that has played pickup basketball or freeze tag with me KNOWS that that's the kind of teammate I am)...Now, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire...They crossed me, and they no longer exist..End of story...

Okay, that's not technically true, as I haven't actually told you the story, and now you know how it ends...Hmm, that's a problem..Oh well, I will soldier on with my tale of dotted balls and agony...

I made the team on the strength of my corner kick and midfielding abilities, but from the beginning, I felt that I didn't belong...I should have payed more attention to the signs...The Coach always seemed a little bit tougher on me, you know what I mean ? There seemed to be a lot of conversations that stopped when I entered the room, but i chalked it up to paranoia...How wrong I was...What I did not realize was that someone had leaked my personal file to the team, and there was a small bit of information in there that made me an unacceptable teammate to these fellas...

I was born with a small stub of a tail that was removed when I was six weeks old...It has long been the skeleton in my closet, and it cost me my dream of playing in the World Cup...You see, there is an old soccer legend wherein it is written " He that is born with the seventh appendage(1 through six being 1 head, 2 arms, two legs and one johnson) shall forever curse his team, and keep them form World Cup soccer glory."

They knew that they could not fire me based on the prophecy, so they instead chose to make my life a living hell, they shunned me, poked fun, unscrewed the top of the salt shaker, hid my medication...But I would not give in...Until one day I returned to my room to find that they had drowned my pet chinchilla Horatio...Of course no one 'fessed up to it, and there was a hastily, sloppily written suicide note, but I didn't buy that...If Horatio had been that depressed I would have known it, wouldn't I ? Maybe he WAS depressed, I was so wrapped up in my own problems, maybe I never heard his mews for help...

It's all moot anyway, that was the last straw...I packed up my bags and left camp...I was done, they had beaten me..I hope you're happy, U.S. World Cup team...

So that is the explanation...I may someday forgive, but I will never forget...And now with every goal scored against the U.S. team, the stadium rings with the name "Horatio..."

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