And not the good "oh look at that rainbow spider over there, dancing, juggling and singing "new Speedway Boogie" kind. No, this was the bad kind of flashback.It almost sent me cowering into a corner, with a look on my face not unlike that girl from the beginning of "The Ring".
Before I tell you about it, go here to learn the back story. It will only take a few minutes. Go on, I'll wait.
All done ? Okay. Here's what happened. It w as late Saturday night, somewhere around 1 a.m., I think. I was watching women's beach volleyball from the Olympics and I was re-adding music folders to my ITunes.
I was a little bit hungry, so I decided to eat some of the grapes that we had bought at the supermarket. I walked into the kitchen, removed the bag of grapes from the refrigerator, and took a small bunch out of the bag. As I turn toward the sink to rinse them, I glimpse something white on one of the grapes. I separate that grape out and my blood runs cold. It's a fucking spider sac.
Suddenly, I am back in that apartment on Westwood Blvd. and I am watching thousands of baby spiders scurry all over the grapes I am holding. I blink, and return to the present. there are no baby spiders yet, but that is definitely something spider related on the grapes. So I toss that grape and a few of the surrounding grapes into the garbage disposal and let that motherfucker chew for a few minutes.
Then, I grab the spray nozzle and I wash the rest of the grapes like they are Jaclyn Smith being deloused in the prison episode of "Charlie's Angels". Then, I scan the grape bag and the counter top for any witnesses, but there did not seem to be any. I think I got away with it this time.
Showing posts with label Arachnaphobia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Arachnaphobia. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Monday, May 07, 2007
Arachnaphobia, Part II: Is That Another Rolled Up Sock ?
I am finally prepared to reveal the tale of Arachnophobia, Part II.
I have made no qualms about the fact that I am scared of spiders. You may judge me however you need to, but it is what it is.
I have explained also that my arachnophobia is somewhat based on a vendetta against me by the arachnid community . Recently, they sent the big guns after me. Allow me to recount the tale...
The Ides of March, 2007. It started like a normal day. It proceeded to be a normal day until around 6 p.m. or so...I had come home from work, and My Special lady and her Father were in the living room, as were my twin daughters, and everyone was having a grand old time. they were all delighted to see me, of course(who wouldn't be?) My Special Lady brought me my evening cocktail of bourbon, gin and cranberry juice with a garnish of frozen peas(I call it a Whirligig), and I sat down to unwind.
After I had finished my cocktail, I took off my shoes and socks. I threw my socks in the vicinity of the bedroom. Time passed by, as it is known to do, and I found that i needed to use the bathroom. As the bathroom is through our bedroom, I thought that I would grab my socks off of the floor and throw them in the hamper in the bedroom(or more likely, throw them on the floor in the bedroom).
So, I bent down and picked up one sock, and then the other, and then what did I see out of the corner of my eye, but a third sock. That's odd, I thought, as I only have two feet. Well, perhaps it is one of My Special lady's socks then, what else could it be ? I will just lean down again and pick it up.
I leaned down to pick up the sock and...It flinched. Now, I would like to think that I did not shriek like Janet Leigh in the shower at the Bates Motel, but I probably did. I squinted my eyes(the lighting in that corner is not great) and I realized that...it...was...a...FUCKING...SPIDER!!!
I calmly backed away from the corner, scooped up my daughters and brought them to their bedroom. My Father In Law(being an ex-Green Beret) , grabbed a hammer and killed the offending arachnid.( Just an aside here, My Special Lady might tell you that it was she who grabbed the girls and brought them to safety, and that I kicked her out of their bedroom so that she and my Father In Law{whom she will also claim is not an ex-Green Beret, but in fact a Doctor Of Philosophy- I don't know why she diminishes his accomplishments} were left to deal with the SPIDER- Trust me, mine is the more accurate rendering of the facts)
By the time I had made sure the girls were safe and calm, the SPIDER had been killed and the body was disposed of properly. (Again, My Special Lady might claim that I refused to come out of the girls' bedroom until the spider was completely gone- she is lying.) It took me some time to process it. I thought it was over. I figured that the arachnid world had forgotten all about me, but I was wrong. Very nearly DEAD wrong.
So there you have it, the tale of the gargantuan SPIDER hitman. I fear my days are numbered, my friends.
I have made no qualms about the fact that I am scared of spiders. You may judge me however you need to, but it is what it is.
I have explained also that my arachnophobia is somewhat based on a vendetta against me by the arachnid community . Recently, they sent the big guns after me. Allow me to recount the tale...
The Ides of March, 2007. It started like a normal day. It proceeded to be a normal day until around 6 p.m. or so...I had come home from work, and My Special lady and her Father were in the living room, as were my twin daughters, and everyone was having a grand old time. they were all delighted to see me, of course(who wouldn't be?) My Special Lady brought me my evening cocktail of bourbon, gin and cranberry juice with a garnish of frozen peas(I call it a Whirligig), and I sat down to unwind.
After I had finished my cocktail, I took off my shoes and socks. I threw my socks in the vicinity of the bedroom. Time passed by, as it is known to do, and I found that i needed to use the bathroom. As the bathroom is through our bedroom, I thought that I would grab my socks off of the floor and throw them in the hamper in the bedroom(or more likely, throw them on the floor in the bedroom).
So, I bent down and picked up one sock, and then the other, and then what did I see out of the corner of my eye, but a third sock. That's odd, I thought, as I only have two feet. Well, perhaps it is one of My Special lady's socks then, what else could it be ? I will just lean down again and pick it up.
I leaned down to pick up the sock and...It flinched. Now, I would like to think that I did not shriek like Janet Leigh in the shower at the Bates Motel, but I probably did. I squinted my eyes(the lighting in that corner is not great) and I realized that...it...was...a...FUCKING...SPIDER!!!
I calmly backed away from the corner, scooped up my daughters and brought them to their bedroom. My Father In Law(being an ex-Green Beret) , grabbed a hammer and killed the offending arachnid.( Just an aside here, My Special Lady might tell you that it was she who grabbed the girls and brought them to safety, and that I kicked her out of their bedroom so that she and my Father In Law{whom she will also claim is not an ex-Green Beret, but in fact a Doctor Of Philosophy- I don't know why she diminishes his accomplishments} were left to deal with the SPIDER- Trust me, mine is the more accurate rendering of the facts)
By the time I had made sure the girls were safe and calm, the SPIDER had been killed and the body was disposed of properly. (Again, My Special Lady might claim that I refused to come out of the girls' bedroom until the spider was completely gone- she is lying.) It took me some time to process it. I thought it was over. I figured that the arachnid world had forgotten all about me, but I was wrong. Very nearly DEAD wrong.
So there you have it, the tale of the gargantuan SPIDER hitman. I fear my days are numbered, my friends.
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