Paticus' Present: "Did We Miss Something ?( AKA: There's No Gassee In Tallahassee !!)

Coming up on two week's ago now, My special Lady and I found ourselves in the midst of a pretty near to full blown gasoline panic down here in the 'Hassee.

It all started rather innocently. I had taken the day off in order to shop for a berfday present for My Special Lady and to pick up supplies and such for my twin daughter's 3rd berfday par-tay.

I spent the morning finding gifts for My Special Lady(which went swimmingly, by the way...I found a rare book filled with tasteful nudes of Karl Malden, circa Streets of San Francisco- HOT!), and then she and I were going to go to lunch and shop for the par-tay supplies.
We decided to go to Crispers for lunch(to be truthful, only after we found out that the Rally's was closed for renovations). On the way to Crispers, we passed a gas station, and there was a line of cars at the pumps. I commented on it, but we didn't think that much of it, really.

We ate lunch, and then we ventured out into the wilds of the 'Hassee to pick up par-tay favors, and beverages and such.

We drove past another gas station, and there was a line at the pumps there as well. We both commented again, but we theorized that it was Friday, and there was a home football game that weekend, so perhaps people were gassing up for the weekend.

We decided to go to Sam's Club, and that's when we knew that there was something going on. at the Sam's Club in the 'Hassee, there are two entrances, and due to the fact that a lot of people have been buying gas at Sam's Club since the prices have risen so drastically over the last year and a half or so, combined with the fact that the way the gas pumps are set up is a disaster, they have closed off one of the entrances, but left the exit open. On this particular day, as we were driving toward Sam's we saw several cars lined up at the closed entrance, and then going around the blocked entrance to enter the parking lot on the exit side. (Have I ever told you how much I love people with a sense of entitlement ? "Huh? it's blocked off ? Well, that must be for everyone else! Not big, important ME!" Fuckers.)

As we neared the actual entrance, we could see that the cars were backed up all the way to the street. You could NOT enter the parking lot in one of the two lanes, because the lane was stacked full of cars...WAITING TO BUY GAS!! Now, I'm not great at judging these things, but it's gotta be at least hundred or a hundred fifty yards from one end of the parking lot(where we were) to the other(where the gas pumps are) so that was a lotta cars !!!

We sat at the light, waiting to make a left turn for two light cycles, and then we decided that we would go to Target, and then come back on the right side of the road, because from that side, we should be able to enter the lot, since we did not want to buy gas, and the gas line was in the left lane.

on the way to target, we listened to the radio to see if we could hear the reason for all of this gas purchasing. We thought that maybe Ike had changed directions, and he was planning on visiting the 'Hassee, or perhaps there had been some sort of international incident ? The radio provided no information.

At Target, while we were purchasing light up Elmo necklaces and rings, plus some items for the girls' berfday par-tay, we saw people purchasing multiple gas cans. We thought of asking one of them why they were making such a purchase, but I feared in their fragile state they might consider me a threat and mace or karate chop me to the thorax.

We bought our things at Target and exited, none the wiser to the reasons behind the gas lines, but surer than ever that it was some sort of gasoline panic. As we got back on the road, I half expected to see random fistfights, and people hacking at each other with axes. Thankfully, we saw none of that. But we did see the lines at the gas stations growing ever longer, AND we noticed that a couple of them had taken down the prices from their signs. We, being cynical people, assumed this was so they could freely gouge consumers with no printed evidence. I later learned that what it more likely meant was that they were out of that grade of gasoline. It was not yet 2 p.m., and there were gas stations running out of gas.

We headed back to Sam's and got ourselves into the right lane, and proceeded to sit there for a good half an hour, trying to enter the parking lot at Sam's Club. it was fucking MADNESS! And here's another tidbit, when I got into that line, I was in pretty good shape, gas-wise, but by the end of the afternoon, I was below a quarter of a tank!!

the one positive to waiting in the line was that the radio finally provided us with the information on the situation- This was all due to people being worried about gas prices going up due to Hurricane Ike hitting Texas. A fairly baseless fear,as the guy on the radio told us. He said it might go up about 30 or 40 cents for a few days, but then it would go back down.

Anyways, we finally gained admission to the parking lot at Sam's Club, and we went to pick up our blown up pictures of our children's current favorite characters- Feist, Cinderella, Cookie Monster and the Yellow Submarine. While we waited at the counter, there were Sam's employees there talking about the gas panic, and how this one gas station out on Monroe Street had raised his prices that morning to $5.50 a gallon or something like that, and I kinda guessed that you might have your basis for the panic right there. People see gas at $5.50 a gallon, and then they see it for considerably less, they instantly buy gas. Enough people do that, then other people see the lines, and they figure they better buy gas too. And pretty soon, you have exactly what happened- gas stations run out of gas. Fucking CRAZY!!!!!

I was finally able to buy some on Sunday afternoon, for $ 4.09 a gallon. Bastards. And today, all the gas is back below 3.60 or so, and I think most of the gas stations actually have gas again.

So there you have it, the Story of No Gassee in the 'Hassee !!

Paticus' Present,Volume 2: Iguana Raiders Of the Lost Vue

I have a bold prediction for this summer's blockbuster movies...I predict that Indiana Jones And the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull will be huuuuuge among the iguana population.
Why do I think that ? I'm glad you asked...

It all started last Friday at around 4 p.m.. I left work early to pick up my kids from daycare. I had parked my car under a tree in order to take advantage of the shade...A decision that would change the course of my afternoon.

I left the parking lot, and I was about a block and a half down the road at a red light when an iguana climbed onto the hood of my car. He/she had climbed straight up from the front of the car. I realized instantly what he/she was doing...He/she was re-enacting the hyper-exciting Nazi truck chase from "Raiders Of The Lost Ark"(which, by the way, they called "Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of the Lost Ark" for the boxed set DVD release, which is bullshit!-It's just 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark", dammit !!!). Who knew iguanas were such big Indy fans ? This is why I think that the iguana population will flock to the new movie.

I did not want to ruin his/her homage to that fine,fine movie, so I decided to play along(or at least drive along)...I unfortunately did not have my Luger with me, so I could not shoot at him, but I used my forefinger and thumb, and I think I sold it pretty well.

At the next stop light, he/she scrambled up to about the mid point of the hood of the car. I ad-libbed and yelled some German words at him, like schnitzel and Beck's and swinehunt. I think I was doing pretty well, because he looked pretty freaked out.

At the next stop light he scampered up to the windshield. He stared in at me, doing his best Harrison Ford impersonation..And I'll tell you what, he was pretty good. I mean, he had the stubble, and the sarcastic glare down pat. I'm still not sure how he managed to keep his fedora on through the whole thing, but i guess that just the magic of the movies.

As I pulled into daycare, he had grabbed onto the windshield wiper. I got out of the car, and I gave him a nod and a smile, and told him that I appreciated his performance, but he needed to hop off the car now. You know what Iguana Jones did ? He scampered under the hood of my car, that fucker.

I decided to go and get my girls, and deal with Iguana Jones when I got back to the car. So I go and get my girls, one of whom(RLB) got bitten by one of her classmates. I signed the incident form(they don't tell you who the biter was, but RLB offered up the info once we got in the car-and it was whom i suspected it was), and it was time to go.

We got to the car, and Iguana Jones was back on the windshield wiper. I pretended not to notice him, and I got the girls all strapped into their seats. I then walked over to the driver's side, and instead of getting in the car, I made a grab for Iguana Jones. He proved too fast for me, and he scampered back under the hood.

I then popped the hood, and he scampered over to the passenger side of the car. as I walked over to the passenger side, he started to scramble along the side of the car. I diverted him, and he made about three laps around the outside of the passenger side mirror. that was his error. While he was running around the mirror, I was able to grab hold of his tail. I held him up to my eye level, and I said(in my best German accent)"No time for love, Dr. Jones."(I know that's from Temple of Doom, but it was the first line that popped into my head.) and I tossed him into the bushes.

I climbed into the car, and LAB said,"The lizard got away, Daddy.". And I turned to her and said, "No, Daddy put the lizard away, sweetie." And we went on our way, as the Indiana Jones theme played in my head.

Pasticus' Present Volume 1: The Blackout...

That's right, I'm gonna whine about my fucking weekend. And you're gonna sit there, laugh a little, cry a little, and by the end, you will marvel at this tale of the triumph of the human spirit. You got it ?

So, the weekend was going along quite nicely, except for living in Satan's ballsack, of course. We had gone to the park with the twins in the morning, and they had eaten lunch and gone down for a nap.
About halfway through their nap, the sky started turning dark. We didn't think much of it, but just as the girls started waking up, the rain started. It was around 3 p.m. It was really storming: raining HEAVY and windy and shit(shit being the North Jersey term for thunder and lightning, of course). The girls were fascinated, and a bit frightened by the shit(see previous parentheses). The storm threw a wrench into the plan to go to the pool, but that was no big deal.

Then, the power went out. then it came right back on. Then it went back on again. then it went out. Then, it went back on again. then, it went back out. And stayed out.

I got on the phone with the power company, and was of course quickly attended to with grace and kindness.
Sorry, I was dreaming there for a minute. I got on the phone with the electric company, and it went something like this:

They go through the whole "we're closed but we'll help you if we have to thing", and then the questions start(this is all automated, by the way)
Them: Are you calling to report an electrical outage at your home or business ? If so, press 1.

I press one.

Them: Please give us the 7 digit telephone number at the location of the outage.

I enter my phone number.

Them: Do you know the exact cause of the outage, such as a downed power line or a broken transformer ?

Me: No.

Them: Okay, it would really help if we knew the cause of the outage. Do you know the exact reason for the outage ?( Remember, this is a RECORDING doing this to me)

Me: NO.

Them: okay, we need to gather the information about the location of the outage. Please give me the zip code.

Me: 32301.

Them: Okay, now we have the city and state information. Now we need the street address.

An aside here- Huh ? I am calling the power company for the city I am living in. How do you not already KNOW the city and state information ?

I give them my street address.

Them: I heard ------ -------. is that correct ?

Me: No.

Them: please give me the address again.

I do, and they get it right, but they spell out my street. How weird is that ? The recording says: "Okay, we have 123..hold on, let me spell this part..." and then proceeds to spell out my street name. Little bit odd, I think.

Then they ask for my apartment number, and then they say that there is no info on the outage, they will investigate, and if I want to speak to someone, I can say "representative" and someone will talk to me.

You may be wondering why I remember this recording so well ? I heard/spoke with it no less than 5 times over the weekend.

45 minutes and about 60 recordings of "Due to high call volume, our wait time is longer than usual. You can continue to hold, or try your call again later." later, someone answers the phone. To tell me that they are working on it, but they don't have am estimated time yet for the power to be back.

Great. By this time, we have decided to go to McDonald's for dinner,as we have an electric stove, so we cannot cook anything for dinner. thankfully, the rain has cooled the air slightly, so it feels like we're in Satan's armpit, rather than his nutsack.

We head to McDonald's order our food, and go to pay with a check card when Chuckles decides to tell us that the card machine doesn't work. Well, we don't have any cash, so thanks for nothing. And you might want to put up a sign telling people that the card swipe doesn't work, so you can save yourself some valuable button pushing time there, Chuckles. And you can shove your attitude("well, I guess we can stop putting together those Happy Meals now") up your polyester suited ass, you cow bitch.

We find a cash machine, and head to Burger King(better burgers anyway). That actually goes well.We then kill some time at Petco. the girls like watching the animals. We got to watch some ferrets fight, and looked at some fish. Good times. Good times.

I'll save you the rest of the evening's activities,( I kicked My Special Lady's ass at Trivial Pursuit, by the way. And may have gotten lucky afterward, if you know what I mean- Wink, wink. I mean we had sex. Had you guessed that ? You had ? Damn !! I though perhaps I was too subtle. I'm sorry, I ruined the moment there, didn't I ? Aw, Hellfuck !!!) And we will skip ahead to 5:30 a.m. I wake up and we still do not have power. I call the power company again(and by the way, 5:30 a.m. is THE TIME to call the power company) and I get someone who ACTUALLY knows what's going on. He tells me that they have had a crew at our location since midnight(which of course means that the people we talked to at 4 p.m and approximately 8 p.m. were LIARS) and that they should have us up in a few hours. Wow, a real answer. Fan-fucking-tastic!

Alas, it was not meant to be. True, the crew as there,and true, they had power restored somewhere around 9 a.m- to everyone but US! Well, not just us, but there were about 4 buildings in our complex that still didn't have power. And it was another 2 hours before they got our power back.

Apparently, they didn't realize that they had not fixed our power, and when one of our neighbors FINALLY got through, he was told that "They would not come out for just one or two people " Huh ? So we all had to call and wait 45 minutes to get through to let them know that there were several apartments without power, so that it was worth their time.

Of course, it came on, then went out again, but it was back on again about a half an hour later. Until it rained again around 6:45, then the power went out again. This time was only about an hour, though. All of which I spent on hold with the power company.

But we survived. Isn't your heart soaring due to this tale of triumph over adversity ? Don't you think we're heroes ?