As told by Sharin Foo of the Ravonettes in the May Esquire magazine:
Bono and guitarist the Edge are in a plane crash and end up standing in front of God, who is seated on his giant white throne.God asks them both the same question. First, he turns to the Edge. "Edge, tell me what you believe in." He responds, " I believe in Gibson guitars and in the fact that the world would be a much better place if we were alive to make more U2 records."God tells the Edge to tale a seat at his right. " Now it's your turn, Bono, " God says. " What do you believe in ?" Bono replies, " I believe you're sitting in my seat."
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
New Critter In The Back Porch Menagerie....
I have already told you the tales of the cicada and the moths...well, there's a new critter in town...And the newest member of the Wolcott Back Porch Menagerie is....Preston the Possum...Preston has beady little eyes...and a fondness for chinese food scavenged from back porch garbage cans...He doesn't like fake people...Care for the environment...Doesn't seem to have much use for plastic cups...but DOES like to pick every last bit of meat off of discarded chicken bones...He also is not particularly concerned with the noises that occur inside the house nearby his favorite garbage can...In fact, I disturbed him the other morning, and he gave me quite a look of disgust...evey bit of a "Do you MIND ?" stare...He's a charming one, that Preston...So if you see him around, give a welcome to the neighborhood.
Do You Believe In Miracles ?!!?!??!!?
I actually got 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep IN A ROW last night....
Thursday, October 20, 2005
The Fertility Odyssey: Part 2:Tests, Tests, And Why Am I Finding Sandra Day O'Connor Arousing ?
Okay, where did we leave off ? Right I was weeping in the corner after some stressful attempts at baby making...Trust me, it gets worse before it gets better...For Me, for my Special Lady...And certainly for you, fearless reader...Anyway, we hit the year mark for our unassisted attempts at baby making...So it was time for the "testing" to begin...Of course, the testing began with my Special Lady, because as man, none of this could be MY fault...Hell no, brother...I'm an Irish Catholic, the church DEMANDS I impregnate!! I come from a family of six !! I have eleven nieces and nephews !! We Byrnes are a fertile bunch !!The problem must be in the female works...
What's' that ? All your tests came back fine ? Hmmm.. That's a curiosity...Huh ? They want me to see a (gulp) urologist ? Shouldn't we have you tested by a different set of doctors first ?(who says chivalry is dead ? I would have driven her to the doctors office!!)...Yeah, I guess that doesn't make much sense. (What are you talking about ? It makes perfect sense !! More sense than visiting a urologist !!)...So to the urologist I go... And here's the best part, due to our HMO, I couldn't just look up a urologist and go in swinging my dick...Oooh nooo, first I had to visit my primary physician and tell her ALL about the situation, and THEN she will find me a urologist...Wow, that won't be awkward or embarrassing at all( Mind you, I don't know why it has to be so awkward and embarrassing, and apparently, I was somewhat cured, as I am writing this here for both friends and strangers to read...And trust me, I am well aware of which side of the "too much information" line I am on now, my friends)...
Oh wait, FIRST I had to get my sperm count tested...TWICE(just to make sure)...I actually got a prescription with a sperm count test written on it- it was a little surreal...And of course, I had to "fast" so to speak, for at least 3 days, but not more than 5 !! And I will tell you what, to the smokers out there- you know how much worse the cigarette craving gets when you KNOW you can't have one ? Multiply THAT by about a billion !!! I mean, I have certainly gone three days in my life without sexual release without even realizing it, or having it affect my life at all, but once you are told that YOU CANNOT HAVE an orgasm for three days ? Jesus EVERYTHING gives you a hard on !! "Boy, that Sandra Day O'Connor is one SEXY Supreme Court Justice" I never noticed how shapely Maud Flanders is before..." Man, it was hell !!!
But, it was finally the morning of the third day(or the 4th day, I don't remember) so I went to the Lab place,(now, I watch A LOT of television and see A LOT of movies, so I had some ideas about what this little "adventure" might be like- you know, a private room, some exotic porn, perhaps mood lighting- an attractive nurse) and the lady looks at me, hands me a cup, and says "You can use the bathroom, it's the second door on the left."...That was it, I had to go to their bathroom and fill the specimen cup(which, by the way, is the same as a urine specimen cup, and don't think that doesn't make the "product" look skimpy)..It was awful..And here's another thing, you know that look you get whenever you have to turn in a urine sample ? Again, multiply that look of disgust you are given by a BILLION...Like I'm some pervert just dropping off my semen !! Give me a break, lady !! I don't want to be here either...Okay, that is enough for Part 2...Until next time...
What's' that ? All your tests came back fine ? Hmmm.. That's a curiosity...Huh ? They want me to see a (gulp) urologist ? Shouldn't we have you tested by a different set of doctors first ?(who says chivalry is dead ? I would have driven her to the doctors office!!)...Yeah, I guess that doesn't make much sense. (What are you talking about ? It makes perfect sense !! More sense than visiting a urologist !!)...So to the urologist I go... And here's the best part, due to our HMO, I couldn't just look up a urologist and go in swinging my dick...Oooh nooo, first I had to visit my primary physician and tell her ALL about the situation, and THEN she will find me a urologist...Wow, that won't be awkward or embarrassing at all( Mind you, I don't know why it has to be so awkward and embarrassing, and apparently, I was somewhat cured, as I am writing this here for both friends and strangers to read...And trust me, I am well aware of which side of the "too much information" line I am on now, my friends)...
Oh wait, FIRST I had to get my sperm count tested...TWICE(just to make sure)...I actually got a prescription with a sperm count test written on it- it was a little surreal...And of course, I had to "fast" so to speak, for at least 3 days, but not more than 5 !! And I will tell you what, to the smokers out there- you know how much worse the cigarette craving gets when you KNOW you can't have one ? Multiply THAT by about a billion !!! I mean, I have certainly gone three days in my life without sexual release without even realizing it, or having it affect my life at all, but once you are told that YOU CANNOT HAVE an orgasm for three days ? Jesus EVERYTHING gives you a hard on !! "Boy, that Sandra Day O'Connor is one SEXY Supreme Court Justice" I never noticed how shapely Maud Flanders is before..." Man, it was hell !!!
But, it was finally the morning of the third day(or the 4th day, I don't remember) so I went to the Lab place,(now, I watch A LOT of television and see A LOT of movies, so I had some ideas about what this little "adventure" might be like- you know, a private room, some exotic porn, perhaps mood lighting- an attractive nurse) and the lady looks at me, hands me a cup, and says "You can use the bathroom, it's the second door on the left."...That was it, I had to go to their bathroom and fill the specimen cup(which, by the way, is the same as a urine specimen cup, and don't think that doesn't make the "product" look skimpy)..It was awful..And here's another thing, you know that look you get whenever you have to turn in a urine sample ? Again, multiply that look of disgust you are given by a BILLION...Like I'm some pervert just dropping off my semen !! Give me a break, lady !! I don't want to be here either...Okay, that is enough for Part 2...Until next time...
Mental Illness Poker...
Which is the stronger full house in mental illness poker :
Neuroses full of Psychosis or Psychosis full of Neuroses ?
Neuroses full of Psychosis or Psychosis full of Neuroses ?
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Sleep-Deprived And Theorizin' On Billy Joel Lyrics
So, I'm not getting a shitload of sleep lately, and that does some weird things to my brain...For instance, I recently heard the Billy Joel song "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"...It's the one that starts out as some sort of romantic come on, but then turns into a story song about Brenda and Eddie(you know- the popular steadies, and the king and the queen of the prom, driving around with the cartop down and the radio on ?) and he sings about how they graduate from high school and get married and then fight and divorce...Now here's where I ask you to open up your mind reeeeaaaal wide...He starts the narrative about people being there waving Brenda and Eddie goodbye at their wedding, then he sings about them setting up their home, and money getting tight and them breaking up...Then he ends it with "That's all I heard about Brenda and Eddie, I can't tell you more because I told you already, and here we are waving Brenda and Eddie goodbye"...Now here's what I was theorizing, what if all the post marriage stuff didn't actually happen ? And the narrator was just being this cynical dude at their wedding ? And he was talking about what was going to happen to them ?What do you think ?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Hot Damn !! DeGrassi is BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!
It has finally happened. The "N", the channel that airs "DeGrassi: The Next Generation" , the sequel to the two greatest teen dramas ever(DeGrassi Junior High and DeGrassi High), has STARTED SHOWING THE ORIGINALS !!!!!!!!! It happened on Friday night, I turned on the Tv after it had finished Tivoing the latest episode of DeGrassi:TNG, and I saw Kathleen from DeGrassi High, and then, before I could even exclaim aloud, there was Yick, and Luke !!! And Joey Jeremiah with hair,and Arthur !! And the girl in th wheelchair !!And (sigh) Caitlin Ryan !! My dreams had come true !! I went to the "Search By Title" feature of the Tivo and typed in Deg...and there they were !! Degrassi Junior High, DegGrassi High, and something called DeGrassi, Old School.I got Season Passes to them all !! I am so fucking excited, I can almost forget that I have had about 3 hours of sleep since Friday !!!!! KICKASS !!!!!!!
Friday, October 14, 2005
The Fertility Odyssey: Part 1: Sex On Demand, Charting Cycles and 100 Kinds Of Vaginal Discharge
So, here we are with absolutely gorgeous twin girls....To quote the overquoted Talking Heads song "Once In A Lifetime"- "Well, how did I get here ?" It should be simple, right ? I had sex with my Special Lady, nine months(or in this case, 7 1/2 months) later, voila. Babies !! Oh no, my friend, it was not that easy, despite what those bad films with the Jackson Browne soundtrack they showed us in health class led us to believe...Nowhere NEAR that easy...But rest assured, I will share our Odyssey with you...It will disgust you...Shock you...Amuse you(doubtful)...and maybe...Just MAYBE...Teach you a little something....To again quote something horribly overquoted..."In the words of Jackie Gleason: And Awaaay We Go !!"
It all starts just over two years ago...My Special Lady and I had finally gotten married in January after 13 years of a whirlwind romance and we decided it was time to start a family...So out went the birth control pills, and we began our rounds of sexual Russian roulette...After a few months, there were no results...We decided not to panic, but we thought that we had better look into the fertility options(okay, I'll be honest, my Special Lady decided this, I said" Mmmm...Okay")...
The first thing we learned was that our insurance was kickass on the subject of fertility- covering just about everything...We also learned that in order to qualify for fertility treatments under our insurance, we had to have been trying to conceive for at least a year...Now, why we didn't just claim that it had been a year, I don't know, except we figured that at some point there might be an audit and our future children might be repossessed or something...
So we kept trying, knowing that the next summer would be the earliest we could start any interventions...My Special Lady started charting her cycles, and I started getting this herbal massage on my testicles every 8 days...Okay, I'm joking about the massage, but Jen did start charting her cycles, and I got more detailed reports of "discharge" then I ever wanted to have...I had no idea there were so many different varieties of vaginal discharge( I think it 's somewhere around one hundred)...And I must admit, it was sometimes hard to keep the "too much information" look off of my face(though I don't think she ever saw it)...
This was also the beginning of the Sex On Demand part of our journey...I don't know about you folks, but I need a little romancing..."I'm ovulating, drop your pants", just doesn't cut it...PLUS...It's A LOT of pressure...I do not tend to perform well when I overthink things, and I felt like I was delivering plutonium in a hailstorm, man...It felt like life or death, do or die kinda stuff, and sex is supposed to fun and dirty and shameful, not terrifying...And man, this was a terrifying amount of pressure...Now before you start smirking, I always managed to get the plutonium delivered...It's just that sometimes I had to weep in the corner afterwards...
Well, I think that is enough for today, but stay tuned, there is much more story to be told...
It all starts just over two years ago...My Special Lady and I had finally gotten married in January after 13 years of a whirlwind romance and we decided it was time to start a family...So out went the birth control pills, and we began our rounds of sexual Russian roulette...After a few months, there were no results...We decided not to panic, but we thought that we had better look into the fertility options(okay, I'll be honest, my Special Lady decided this, I said" Mmmm...Okay")...
The first thing we learned was that our insurance was kickass on the subject of fertility- covering just about everything...We also learned that in order to qualify for fertility treatments under our insurance, we had to have been trying to conceive for at least a year...Now, why we didn't just claim that it had been a year, I don't know, except we figured that at some point there might be an audit and our future children might be repossessed or something...
So we kept trying, knowing that the next summer would be the earliest we could start any interventions...My Special Lady started charting her cycles, and I started getting this herbal massage on my testicles every 8 days...Okay, I'm joking about the massage, but Jen did start charting her cycles, and I got more detailed reports of "discharge" then I ever wanted to have...I had no idea there were so many different varieties of vaginal discharge( I think it 's somewhere around one hundred)...And I must admit, it was sometimes hard to keep the "too much information" look off of my face(though I don't think she ever saw it)...
This was also the beginning of the Sex On Demand part of our journey...I don't know about you folks, but I need a little romancing..."I'm ovulating, drop your pants", just doesn't cut it...PLUS...It's A LOT of pressure...I do not tend to perform well when I overthink things, and I felt like I was delivering plutonium in a hailstorm, man...It felt like life or death, do or die kinda stuff, and sex is supposed to fun and dirty and shameful, not terrifying...And man, this was a terrifying amount of pressure...Now before you start smirking, I always managed to get the plutonium delivered...It's just that sometimes I had to weep in the corner afterwards...
Well, I think that is enough for today, but stay tuned, there is much more story to be told...
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
KICKASS !!!!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
The girls are home !!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Sunday, October 02, 2005
One Last One A.M. Drive on LSD...
"Run quick they're behind us
Didn't think we'd ever make it
This close to safety in one piece
Now you want to kill me
In the act of what could maybe
Save us from sleep and what we are"- A Favor House Atlantic- Coheed And Cambria
It's over...I have worked my last wedding at the Blueberry...and it was relatively uneventful...I must admit, I had been looking forward to this day with both elation and dread...I was elated that it was my last Blueberry wedding(okay a bit of a bittersweet elation, but make no mistake...fucking ELATION)...but the dread was of what this wedding would hold for me... I ran through the laundry list of what I had dealt with...The Serial Vomiter...The Dancing On Broken Glass(TWICE) Nurse...THe SPRINKLERS !!!...The Four Year Old Pulling The Fire Alarm...The Mystery Pulling Of The Fire Alarm(With The Two Hour Unsilenceable Bell)...The "Dim Those Lights PLEASE(read::you dickhead peon) Bride...The Bride On The Stage...The Jesus Couple...The Wedding Ruined By The Absence Of The Frank Sinatra Impersonator...The Garbage Hiding Caterers...The Hollywood Lightshow and Drapery Wedding...The Burning Trees Wedding...The list goes on and on...And I tried to figure out what else could happen...Jealous Ex-Boyfriend Or Girlfriend Shooting Up The Joint...The Elaborate Heist Of A Priceless Manuscript During A Wedding...The Monkey Knife Fight Wedding...The "Where Can I Park My Kangaroo ?" Wedding...My imagination ran WILD...And all for naught...Sure, there was the drunken idiot who seemd determined to have my guard punch him in the face( Showing GREAT RESTRAINT, he thankfully did not)...And nine limos parked in front of the Blueberry for no apparent reason...But no monkey knife fights...No flaming arrows...No snipers...No Brawls...Just another wedding at the Blueberry...
"Bye Bye Beautiful
Don't bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars
Face step let down...Face step...step down"- A Favor House Atlantic- Coheed And Cambria
AND I was out by 1 o'clock...What the fuck ? I have to admit, I thought I was gonna get a ride on the cruel irony bus on the ride home.. I thought I was gonna be beset upon by condors or locusts or something...Or a meteor was gonna hit the car..And My Special Lady would be on the news tomorrow, crying uncontrollably(of course) and talking about how I had just worked my last wedding at the prestigious Blueberry Library when that pack of wild wombats had escaped form the zoo and feasted on my flesh...But thankfully, so far so good...
"You've been falling off the sidewalk
Your lips move but you can't talk
Tryin' to throw your arms around the world" - Trying To Throw your Arms Around The World- U2
By the way,. my girls were three weeks old on Saturday, and they should be home soon. Kick Ass !!!
Okay, I should hit the hay...Have good night, crimestoppers...Go Cowboys !!!...Try the milk fed carrots..
pjb
Didn't think we'd ever make it
This close to safety in one piece
Now you want to kill me
In the act of what could maybe
Save us from sleep and what we are"- A Favor House Atlantic- Coheed And Cambria
It's over...I have worked my last wedding at the Blueberry...and it was relatively uneventful...I must admit, I had been looking forward to this day with both elation and dread...I was elated that it was my last Blueberry wedding(okay a bit of a bittersweet elation, but make no mistake...fucking ELATION)...but the dread was of what this wedding would hold for me... I ran through the laundry list of what I had dealt with...The Serial Vomiter...The Dancing On Broken Glass(TWICE) Nurse...THe SPRINKLERS !!!...The Four Year Old Pulling The Fire Alarm...The Mystery Pulling Of The Fire Alarm(With The Two Hour Unsilenceable Bell)...The "Dim Those Lights PLEASE(read::you dickhead peon) Bride...The Bride On The Stage...The Jesus Couple...The Wedding Ruined By The Absence Of The Frank Sinatra Impersonator...The Garbage Hiding Caterers...The Hollywood Lightshow and Drapery Wedding...The Burning Trees Wedding...The list goes on and on...And I tried to figure out what else could happen...Jealous Ex-Boyfriend Or Girlfriend Shooting Up The Joint...The Elaborate Heist Of A Priceless Manuscript During A Wedding...The Monkey Knife Fight Wedding...The "Where Can I Park My Kangaroo ?" Wedding...My imagination ran WILD...And all for naught...Sure, there was the drunken idiot who seemd determined to have my guard punch him in the face( Showing GREAT RESTRAINT, he thankfully did not)...And nine limos parked in front of the Blueberry for no apparent reason...But no monkey knife fights...No flaming arrows...No snipers...No Brawls...Just another wedding at the Blueberry...
"Bye Bye Beautiful
Don't bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars
Face step let down...Face step...step down"- A Favor House Atlantic- Coheed And Cambria
AND I was out by 1 o'clock...What the fuck ? I have to admit, I thought I was gonna get a ride on the cruel irony bus on the ride home.. I thought I was gonna be beset upon by condors or locusts or something...Or a meteor was gonna hit the car..And My Special Lady would be on the news tomorrow, crying uncontrollably(of course) and talking about how I had just worked my last wedding at the prestigious Blueberry Library when that pack of wild wombats had escaped form the zoo and feasted on my flesh...But thankfully, so far so good...
"You've been falling off the sidewalk
Your lips move but you can't talk
Tryin' to throw your arms around the world" - Trying To Throw your Arms Around The World- U2
By the way,. my girls were three weeks old on Saturday, and they should be home soon. Kick Ass !!!
Okay, I should hit the hay...Have good night, crimestoppers...Go Cowboys !!!...Try the milk fed carrots..
pjb
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