Thursday, May 31, 2007

Movies That I Hate...

I read Mark's list, and while I disagreed with a lot of his choices, I was properly inspired to make my own list.

Here are some movies that I despise...Some might be obvious choices, some might surprise and even disgust you...In no particular order...

Titanic: Too long. Too stupid. And waaaaaay overpraised. the only good thing about it ? The stunning Kate Winslet's glorious naked breast.

A.I.: This one has it's own post. Lord, what an interminable waste of my time and money. I still say, the reason Kubrick never made this movie was because there was not a movie to make.

King Kong(2005): Ugh. I never ever thought something could make me nostalgic for the abomination that is the 1976 King Kong, but Peter Jackson's bloated mess did just that.

Howard the Duck: there are few movies I was more excited by, or more disappointed in. This movie took this great comic book character and turned him into Donald Fucking Duck without the speech impediment. Howard is a brilliant, perverse character, and he got lobotomized and sanitized for the big screen. An abomination.

Ordinary People: This movie won Best Picture ? over RAGING BULL ? This plays like a bad afterschool special. It's god awful.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: What ? It sucked. You can go on and on about the lyricism and blah blah blah..It was boring...It didn't look beautiful...And the people running around in the trees looked very much like they were hanging from wires.

Saving Private Ryan: I know, this make me some Un-American Pinko fag bastard. Oh well. I don't see how saving a blond, blue-eyed soldier(hmm...who else was all hot and bothered by the blond and blue-eyed ? did it seem ironic to anyone else that they were going to save Matt Damon, who would have made Hitler cream his pants ? No offense meant to Matt Damon, of course.) is supposed to "make sense " of the war...It was WORLD WAR TWO !!! There was clear reason to be fighting that war. It wasn't Vietnam or Korea. It was WWII !! I also happen to think if just about any other filmmaker in the world shot that exact same opening scene, it would have been called "gratuitous" but since the "Golden Boy" did it, it was "artful" and "realistic". And what was that ending ? Oh, God that was awful.

Good Will Hunting: Kee-Rist!! ANOTHER bad afterschool special. Ooh, Matt Damon & Ben Affleck get to show off their Bawstan accents. Ooh.This movie just plain sucked.

Wow, I'm really killing some Matt Damon there, aren't I ? I actually like him quite a bit. He's great in the Bourne movies, and in the Departed. He also does a great Matthew McConaughey impersonation.

The Postman: This movie actually impresses me, in the fact that Kevin Costner actually got this made. He made this spectacularly expensive failure with Waterworld, and then he got a studio to give him another ungodly amount of money to essentially make Waterworld without the water. That is some impressive work.

Batman & Robin: Ugh. I love me some Batman. I can even stomach batman Forever(just barely) but this one was too much. The best part was that Mr Freeze lets you know in the movie how bad it's going to be- He skates around with his little bombs going "Bomb! Bomb ! Bomb!" Amen, Mr. Freeze. Amen.

Gangs Of New York: Jaysus. Where do I start ? This movie was god awful from start to finish. I really like Martin Scorsese(minus Bringing Out The Dead), but this was unforgivable. Just a bloody(literally) mess.

Then there are some that I couldn't even bring myself to finish watching:
Bringing Out The Dead
Reindeer Games
City Slickers 2
Miami Vice
The Last Samurai

I could go on and on...and on...But I won't, but of course, there could always be...A SEQUEL !!!


Mark said...

I actually liked GONY, not least because I get a chuckle every time some one says it was bullshit or that Scorsese took too much license.

It wasn't, and he didn't. It was a damned accurate portrayal of life in New York City at the time. It WAS a bloody mess.

Paticus said...

Mark- yeah, i've heard the "historical arguments", but that's not my beef with the movie. if it was enjoyable, i wouldn't give a damn if it was accurate or not. I just hated it as a movie. And it was yet another example of people thinking they can do Irish accents when they can't. the Irish don't all sound like the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

Avitable said...

I might have to use this idea for tomorrow.

I am surprised by a few of your choices.

Miami Vice and Last Samurai are two movies I enjoyed quite a bit. I loved Good Will Hunting, thought Saving Private Ryan was excellent, and didn't mind CTHD. The rest, though, I'm with ya.

At least you like Star Wars!

Paticus said...

Avitable- I might have to give Samurai and Miami Vice another shot, I didn't get very far into either, so perhaps I'll take your endorsement into account.

Avitable said...

Samurai starts off slowly, but has some great action. It's a little self-indulgent, but I enjoy Cruise's acting.

Miami Vice is a gritty Michael Mann film - just think of a Florida version of Collateral. The fact that it's named Miami Vice is almost superfluous.

c2 said...

I surprised myself with liking The Last Samurai. Not 100%, but for someone who doesn't like action movies, I liked it quite a lot. If you ever saw Legends of the Fall (which is really unnecessary) you can tell it's the same director.

But, oh man, I'm completely with you on Saving Private Ryan. The only thing I could say at the end of that was: My ass hurts. I wanted to tear my hair out with the old Matt Damon saluted the gravestone. Blech!

But you're still wrong about Crouching Tiger. ;)

-sh said...

I did like Saving Private Ryan (didn't love it, but didn't hate it). I liked the opening scene because it was so confusing and gory and horrific because, hey folks, that is what happens in war. The first wave gets slaughtered. I don't like it; I want everyone to have those images in their heads anytime they have to come to the conclusion that there is a reason for war (and this is a tirade on the current political situation, not WWII).

Paticus said...

Avitable- i like Cruise as an actor too.
Michale Mann was pretty much the only reason i wanted to see Miami Vice( I think Heat is one of the greatest movies EVER-though I am not a fan of Manhunter)- I don't know that I ever saw a full episode of the Tee Vee show.

C2- I have seen Legends Of the Fall-UGH.
And I am so very right about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

sh- I LIKED the opening of Saving Private Ryan, I thought it was pretty realistic(or it seemed it to me, I thankfully don't know what combat is like), I just think that a lot of other filmmakers may have been criticized for how realistic it was- I have a bit of an issue with Spielberg sometimes, I think he makes some great movies, but he wields a bit too much power for me sometimes- he got his own damn rating(PG-13), for the love of Mike. i'm a much bigger fan of Stan Spielberg("Muse" reference, anyone ?).

Michele said...

I cracked up when I saw Titanic at the top of your list. The first and pretty much only thing I think of EVERY time that movie is mentioned is when I saw it in the theater and this pervert next to me tried, very slowly and discreetly, to lift my skirt up to thigh. I caught him red-handed and was so stunned I just glared at him. Then he immediately got up to leave and had to pass in front of me in order to exit the row. I swiftly planted my platform shoe in his ass and kicked really hard.

Sheesh, is this waaaay TMI?

Paticus said...

Michelle- How creepy !! Way to handle it, though. And no, not too much info, the Flats is here for sharing.
Thanks for the comment and visit!