Monday, January 30, 2006
Greatest Sports Name EVER !!!!
So I was up VERY EARLY this morning, giving LAB a much needed bottle and I was watching a show on ESPN2 called Mike & Mike In The Morning, which is two guys witha radio show on television, talking about sports...This morning they were talking about Shaq and how he last night became the 5th player in NBA history to average over 20 pints for 3 different teams(minimum of 100 games), now I could give a rats ass about this, but one of the other 4 to accomplish this feat had the single greatest sports name EVER, if not the greatest name EVER, sports or not, and I had totally forgotten about him, he played basketball in the 80's(maybe 70's too, I'm not sure) and his name was World B. Free(changed from Lloyd Free)...Does it get any better than that ?
Friday, January 27, 2006
Fertility Odyssey Part 6:A.I. Is Not Just A God Awful Spielberg Movie...
Okay, so it was time to discuss a plan of attack with the fertility clinic...Now, I don't know what being in a fertility clinic feels like to a woman, or to other men, but I felt like I had a very large sign on my forehead that read: NOT A REAL MAN: LOW SPERM COUNT
Logical ? Certainly not...But that didn't make the sign any less apparent in my head...
Now, I had been there before, as my Special Lady had been going there for a few months by this point, and I was the dutiful husband and accompanied her whenever I could.(awwwwwwwww) Though I did find it rather annoying that it seemed like every appointment needed to be before 8 a.m., but I thought it wise to keep quiet about that, as My Special Lady was going through all sorts of tests, and I was sitting in the lobby reading Cosmo. This visit was different, I was going behind the curtain, and suddenly I KNEW that everyone else KNEW that I had some problematic sperms swimming(or more appropriately: NOT SWIMMING) around in my nether regions. Cheese and rice, I did not need this added pressure...And of course, all the people who work at the fertility clinic were women...I still don't know why that made it worse...Just about my whole life, my female friends have outnumbered my male friends(not a bad circumstance, I will have you know), but the number of women that I had to come in contact who were now most likely going to know the most intimate details of my maleness(or distinct LACK thereof as the case may be) was definitely problematic for me...
But I digress, it was time to meet the "FERTILITY DOCTOR"( You must imagine a strong,menacing piano note here)....She(of course) was very nice, and I only caught her snickering once or twice as we went over the test results...I can't decide whether I appreciated having to go over the test results or not, because all of my Special Lady's test were fine and I had sperm "issues"....That makes it pretty cut and dried, doesn't it ?...Do we really need to discuss that any further ? "Our Fertility Troubles" were "MY FAULT"-end of story. But we did discuss it, and in the end, I was very glad we did, because it turns out that the FERTILITY DOCTOR was much better at reading the test results than the urologist was...And it turns out that one of my tests was normal...Hey, how about that, I will disagree with Meat Loaf, and say that ONE Out Of Three Ain't Bad, either, my friend. It didn't necessarily change our course of action, but it did make me feel a little bit better about myself, so that was a nice thing.
Actually, it did change our course of action a little bit, as it made artificial insemination something that we could try, rather than jumping right into In Vitro Fertilization...So, it was time to get things rolling for the Artificial Insemination...Unfortunately, artificial insemination did not consist of My Special Lady and I having sex while we each thought about other people, oh no, it was a bit more complex than that...It started with My Special Lady having to inject herself in the stomach every day for 10 days or so...Boy, I bet the was fun...I tell you what, I could barely WATCH her do it, let alone imagine what it must have felt like...But she was a trooper about it...I to this day do not understand why she was so gung ho to have children with me, but I certainly cannot question her commitment to the process... So she spends a week and a half stabbing herself in the belly, and the next thing you know, it is "time", time for the A.I....
The process will take place early in the morning of course, and here is how it goes down...We wake up in the morning, I have a romantic interlude with my right hand and make a deposit in the cavernous specimen cup...Then it's off to the clinic, they have suggested that My Special Lady store the specimen cup in her bra to keep it warm, so in it goes, and off we go...We arrive at the clinic, and they take the specimen to test it, the results are not good, but not bad enough to scrap the process...We go ahead...It's all very romantic, My Special Lady on the table, legs in stirrups, a long tube inserted...Well, you get the idea...At least they let me be in the room for it...It goes off without a hitch, and the ladies at the clinic decide that I should bring another specimen in the next morning...Now, I don't think that this is a good idea, as I have a little knowledge of the "production schedule" in the Paticus Sperm Plant, and I don't think that one day will be enough time for a better sample...Figuring that, like in every other aspect of my life, I am an idiot, I keep my mouth shut...
I should not have, because the next morning was the second most disheartening moment in this whole process...We woke up and repeated our process at home, except that even the idiot could tell that he had not produced a worthy sample, but let's go the clinic for the official kick to the balls...Sure enough, the sample was even worse, and essentially they told us that this attempt had failed...We of course had to wait a few weeks for the official notification, but we knew that was a technicality....This just sucked, I felt completely worthless, and I was pretty sure that my Special Lady was trying very hard to not look at me with seething anger and hatred...That was not a good day...And that night I was supposed to go out and celebrate a new friend's birthday...I decided to go anyway, which is a decision that she may still regret, as after several hundred beers, I chose to lay my sordid story at her and another friends' feet...They handled it well, and they were very supportive...And I have since become very good friends with them, and I think it actually did make me feel better as it made the whole thing seem less secretive and all, but i still feel badly that I did that to her on her birthday...Well, I think that's enough for part 6...Coming Soon: IVF...
Logical ? Certainly not...But that didn't make the sign any less apparent in my head...
Now, I had been there before, as my Special Lady had been going there for a few months by this point, and I was the dutiful husband and accompanied her whenever I could.(awwwwwwwww) Though I did find it rather annoying that it seemed like every appointment needed to be before 8 a.m., but I thought it wise to keep quiet about that, as My Special Lady was going through all sorts of tests, and I was sitting in the lobby reading Cosmo. This visit was different, I was going behind the curtain, and suddenly I KNEW that everyone else KNEW that I had some problematic sperms swimming(or more appropriately: NOT SWIMMING) around in my nether regions. Cheese and rice, I did not need this added pressure...And of course, all the people who work at the fertility clinic were women...I still don't know why that made it worse...Just about my whole life, my female friends have outnumbered my male friends(not a bad circumstance, I will have you know), but the number of women that I had to come in contact who were now most likely going to know the most intimate details of my maleness(or distinct LACK thereof as the case may be) was definitely problematic for me...
But I digress, it was time to meet the "FERTILITY DOCTOR"( You must imagine a strong,menacing piano note here)....She(of course) was very nice, and I only caught her snickering once or twice as we went over the test results...I can't decide whether I appreciated having to go over the test results or not, because all of my Special Lady's test were fine and I had sperm "issues"....That makes it pretty cut and dried, doesn't it ?...Do we really need to discuss that any further ? "Our Fertility Troubles" were "MY FAULT"-end of story. But we did discuss it, and in the end, I was very glad we did, because it turns out that the FERTILITY DOCTOR was much better at reading the test results than the urologist was...And it turns out that one of my tests was normal...Hey, how about that, I will disagree with Meat Loaf, and say that ONE Out Of Three Ain't Bad, either, my friend. It didn't necessarily change our course of action, but it did make me feel a little bit better about myself, so that was a nice thing.
Actually, it did change our course of action a little bit, as it made artificial insemination something that we could try, rather than jumping right into In Vitro Fertilization...So, it was time to get things rolling for the Artificial Insemination...Unfortunately, artificial insemination did not consist of My Special Lady and I having sex while we each thought about other people, oh no, it was a bit more complex than that...It started with My Special Lady having to inject herself in the stomach every day for 10 days or so...Boy, I bet the was fun...I tell you what, I could barely WATCH her do it, let alone imagine what it must have felt like...But she was a trooper about it...I to this day do not understand why she was so gung ho to have children with me, but I certainly cannot question her commitment to the process... So she spends a week and a half stabbing herself in the belly, and the next thing you know, it is "time", time for the A.I....
The process will take place early in the morning of course, and here is how it goes down...We wake up in the morning, I have a romantic interlude with my right hand and make a deposit in the cavernous specimen cup...Then it's off to the clinic, they have suggested that My Special Lady store the specimen cup in her bra to keep it warm, so in it goes, and off we go...We arrive at the clinic, and they take the specimen to test it, the results are not good, but not bad enough to scrap the process...We go ahead...It's all very romantic, My Special Lady on the table, legs in stirrups, a long tube inserted...Well, you get the idea...At least they let me be in the room for it...It goes off without a hitch, and the ladies at the clinic decide that I should bring another specimen in the next morning...Now, I don't think that this is a good idea, as I have a little knowledge of the "production schedule" in the Paticus Sperm Plant, and I don't think that one day will be enough time for a better sample...Figuring that, like in every other aspect of my life, I am an idiot, I keep my mouth shut...
I should not have, because the next morning was the second most disheartening moment in this whole process...We woke up and repeated our process at home, except that even the idiot could tell that he had not produced a worthy sample, but let's go the clinic for the official kick to the balls...Sure enough, the sample was even worse, and essentially they told us that this attempt had failed...We of course had to wait a few weeks for the official notification, but we knew that was a technicality....This just sucked, I felt completely worthless, and I was pretty sure that my Special Lady was trying very hard to not look at me with seething anger and hatred...That was not a good day...And that night I was supposed to go out and celebrate a new friend's birthday...I decided to go anyway, which is a decision that she may still regret, as after several hundred beers, I chose to lay my sordid story at her and another friends' feet...They handled it well, and they were very supportive...And I have since become very good friends with them, and I think it actually did make me feel better as it made the whole thing seem less secretive and all, but i still feel badly that I did that to her on her birthday...Well, I think that's enough for part 6...Coming Soon: IVF...
Fertility Odyssey Part 5:Hello ? Is This The Guinness Book ? Is This The Testicular Division ? Have I Got Some News For You !!
Okay, it has been long enough, time to get back on Memory Lane...There is more tale to tell, more fluids to discuss, more stomachs to turn, eggs and sperm to introduce to each other in controlled environments...I have work to do...Now where were we ? Oh yes, I had just finished my testicular ultrasound at the hands of the lovely but intimidating Lisa...Now it was time to wait for the results...Good times...
I thought about what they could find...Tumors- well, that would be a regular ray of sunshine, eh ? "Paticus, either you have a third testicle(Guinness book, here I come) or there is a rather large rodent in your ball sack( Guinness Book, as well, I guess), or you have a tumor in there." I don't know that there was anything else they were looking for..I mean, is there ever stuff in there that shouldn't be ? "Um, Paticus, we don't know how to tell you this, but your testicles seem to each have their own set of teeth." That didn't seem likely, but again, I think a call to Guinness would be on the agenda. I was thinking of things I could ask the Dr. When I went in for my results: "Doc, is there any evidence from the ultrasound of my balls ever actually being blue ? There were some rough nights in my younger days, when I thought I might have even had an indigo or navy blue goin' on, you know what I'm saying ?" or " Did they get dented that time that Susie Derkins kicked me in the balls for lighting her Strawberry Shortcake doll on fire ?" Okay, I admit, these were not serious questions, but I was doing anything to not think about there tumors or rodents or teeth on my balls, you know ? Cut me some slack, will you ?
I also spent a lot of time wondering about my past "habits" and if they had played in a role in my current spermalogical predicament...I mean, I was a heavy smoker for ten years...I had a drink or two or several hundred thousand in my life...There was that two year period where I was smoking pot several times a day...Could they have affected my little swimmers ? And what of the other ways my "consciousness was altered" let's say ? Were my sperm two headed now ? Did my testicles think they were still in the back of that truck in the parking lot of the Rosemont Horizon(Grateful Dead show- looong story) ? Then there was that time I snuck into the hospital and took several hundred X-rays of my balls, was that a bad thing ? It did make them tingle at the time. Okay, the x-ray thing never happened, but I did/do have a fairly intimate and ongoing relationship with my right hand that could have affected things...Shit, was that it ? Had I simply used all of my sperm ? That would suck...So, as you can tell, my brain was an even less pleasant place to be than usual during this odyssey...
Well, I got the results of the ultrasound, and they were normal, so I took the Guinness Book off of the speed dial, and it was time to bring all of my testicular/spermalogical data and visit the fertility clinic...Stay Tuned For Part 6 !!
I thought about what they could find...Tumors- well, that would be a regular ray of sunshine, eh ? "Paticus, either you have a third testicle(Guinness book, here I come) or there is a rather large rodent in your ball sack( Guinness Book, as well, I guess), or you have a tumor in there." I don't know that there was anything else they were looking for..I mean, is there ever stuff in there that shouldn't be ? "Um, Paticus, we don't know how to tell you this, but your testicles seem to each have their own set of teeth." That didn't seem likely, but again, I think a call to Guinness would be on the agenda. I was thinking of things I could ask the Dr. When I went in for my results: "Doc, is there any evidence from the ultrasound of my balls ever actually being blue ? There were some rough nights in my younger days, when I thought I might have even had an indigo or navy blue goin' on, you know what I'm saying ?" or " Did they get dented that time that Susie Derkins kicked me in the balls for lighting her Strawberry Shortcake doll on fire ?" Okay, I admit, these were not serious questions, but I was doing anything to not think about there tumors or rodents or teeth on my balls, you know ? Cut me some slack, will you ?
I also spent a lot of time wondering about my past "habits" and if they had played in a role in my current spermalogical predicament...I mean, I was a heavy smoker for ten years...I had a drink or two or several hundred thousand in my life...There was that two year period where I was smoking pot several times a day...Could they have affected my little swimmers ? And what of the other ways my "consciousness was altered" let's say ? Were my sperm two headed now ? Did my testicles think they were still in the back of that truck in the parking lot of the Rosemont Horizon(Grateful Dead show- looong story) ? Then there was that time I snuck into the hospital and took several hundred X-rays of my balls, was that a bad thing ? It did make them tingle at the time. Okay, the x-ray thing never happened, but I did/do have a fairly intimate and ongoing relationship with my right hand that could have affected things...Shit, was that it ? Had I simply used all of my sperm ? That would suck...So, as you can tell, my brain was an even less pleasant place to be than usual during this odyssey...
Well, I got the results of the ultrasound, and they were normal, so I took the Guinness Book off of the speed dial, and it was time to bring all of my testicular/spermalogical data and visit the fertility clinic...Stay Tuned For Part 6 !!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Comparing Apples To Apples....
I had a Gala apple with my breakfast this morning....And I have this to say about it....A Gala is no Fuji.
RE: Idea For New Television Series
I just had a great idea for a new television series. I think it could be a sitcom, drama, or even one of those "dramedies" that are so popular with the kids these days. Let me break down the general premise for you, and then I will outline a few of the directions in which I think the show could go: It's called "Cross My Arms(And Hope To Deny)", and our main character is, get this, a bouncer/doorman at at the hippest club in the city !! I tell you, it can't miss. It's a little bit "Roadhouse" a little bit "54", with just a touch of "Honey". I mean, the possibilities are endless...He could be an ex-cop, busted off the force by the corrupt"powers-that-be" and he solves crimes from his spot at the velvet rope. Or, he could be a heartbroken widower with three kids, just looking for love and trying to raise the kids right in this topsy turvy world...Or, get this, it could be a woman, and she could be a mermaid, who has been granted five years on land to discover the identity of the evil raver who killed her mother, or he/she could be a sage older veteran of the club scene, dispensing advice on love and life to the young, hip denizens of the club...Do you see what I mean? It could go almost anywhere...Crime drama/dramedy, family drama, lovelorn sitcom, supernatural drama...Now, casting...Now, that is where it gets tricky, simply because there are so many directions in which to go...We could go young and hip, with an Elijah Wood or perhaps a Beyonce, or we could go the "comeback route" with an Emilio Estevez or Kelsey Grammer or Molly Ringwald, or we could cast Brian Dennehey or Fred Dryer or Erin Grey(Didn't you just LOVE her in Buck Rogers and Silver Spoons ?)...AND, think about the potential for guest stars !! All the hip musicians could play the club, hot comics could play the club, celebrities from all walks of fame could frequent the club...Paris Hilton,Al Roker,Lindsey Lohan, Carrot Top,that creepy little girl from War Of The Worlds and perhaps even Don Rickles... And best of all, we could set the club in beautiful downtown Butte, Montana...I can even see the poster, the main character standing behind a red(or purple) velvet rope, clipboard in one hand, arms crossed across his(or her) chest, with a knowing grin, and maybe even a wink...Oh, man...I'm gonna work up a budget, you get on the phone to Brian Dennehey !
Monday, January 23, 2006
I Have A Message For You...
The cherries are ready to be jubileed...
I repeat...The cherries are ready to be jubileed...
I repeat...The cherries are ready to be jubileed...
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
I Think I Invented This...
And if I didn't...Oh well, but I came up with a new hybrid swear the other day, that I think is pretty nifty..."hellfuck"...My first usage was asking myself "Just what in the hellfuck is going on here ?"...But I have used it several times since then, and I am pretty fond of it...I only regret that I didn't discover it soon enough to name one of my children Hellfuck...Man, that would have been sweet..."Hellfuck, git over here !" "Hellfuck, put down those cookies." " Kick that ball, Hellfuck." "Hellfuck, it's time for your first communion." It's unisex too. Sigh...Aw, what the hellfuck, anway, right ?
I Have Said It Before...
And I will say it again...and I'm saying it right now...
Weezer fucking Kicks Ass !!!!!!
"I've got the dungeon masters guide
I've got twelve sided die
I've got Kitty Pride
And Nightcrawler too, waiting there for me
Yes I do..." -In The Garage
Weezer fucking Kicks Ass !!!!!!
"I've got the dungeon masters guide
I've got twelve sided die
I've got Kitty Pride
And Nightcrawler too, waiting there for me
Yes I do..." -In The Garage
Monday, January 16, 2006
24 Returned Last Night !!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
24 Returned Last Night !!!!!
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Wild Kingdom: Tallahassee
(The following tale is true...Names and details have NOT been changed...Fuck the innocent)Welcome to Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom....Today we are visiting scenic Tallahassee...Home of this lizard we see to our left...You would think that as the host of a wildlife show, I might actually know what kind of lizard this is....You would, of course, be quite wrong...I haven't the slightest clue...He's a cute little bugger, isn't he ? I also don't actually know that it's a male, but in this phallic centric world of ours, why would I assume otherwise ? Let's just call him Ferdinand, shall we ? Okay. Well, in this photo, Ferdinand is clinging to the inside of one of the screens on the screened in porch of one Paticus, of Tallahassee...He seems pretty calm and serene, doesn't he ? And why shouldn't he be ? It's a nice sunny December day, and he has a nice piece of screen to hang from...Hell, there's even some nice juicy bugs around, which he may or may not want to eat,I really don't know... Again, I really have a very limited grasp of nature...But all is not well for Ferdinand...No it is not...There is danger afoot for Ferdinand...You might say, things are about to get WILD for Ferdinand...For Paticus is not the only resident of this house, no he is not...He lives there with his Special Lady, and their four month old twins...But that is also not of concern for Ferdinand...Oh no, there is another inhabitant of this house....A feline domesticus...A felinus domesticus ? What the hell is that ? Oh right, a cat...Well, why doesn't the bloody card just say cat then ? Feline domesticus...Honestly, Jim, what are you smoking ? Feline domesticus...If it's a god damned cat then bloody well say it's a god damned cat, okay ? Jiminy Christmas !!! Okay...Anyway, there is also a cat that lives there....His name is Arlo....One day Arlo and Ferdinand met...Let's let Paticus pick up the narration,
shall we ?Paticus: Thanks Steve...
Narrator:Um, it's Marlon
Paticus: Sure it is...Anyway, the other day I was sitting on my couch in Tallahassee, Florida, enjoying cool, refreshing Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coca-Cola and watching a Tivo'd episode of Alias, when I saw the cat running madly around the apartment...He does that pretty regularly, so I sorta ignored it...Then he attacked my shoe, so I looked down, and I saw a string by my shoe...Oh, how cute and cliche, I said to myself, my cat is playing with a piece of string...Then, something unexpected happened(well, unexpected by me, anyway, I'm quite sure that the cat was probably expecting it)...The string moved away from my foot on it's own ! Shazam, people !! Shazam, indeed!!! It took a few seconds for it to register, and then I believe I exclaimed to My Special Lady,(as I grabbed the cat) " Oh Christ, he's got that fucking lizard !! It went under the couch !! You want to hold the cat or try to catch the lizard ?"( If had thought about it, I probably could have added something dirty after that, but I was in the moment, people) She opted to hold the cat, so I handed him to her, as he tried valiantly to escape and complete his hunt, and went after the lizard...The cat must have stunned him, because I grabbed the lizard pretty easy(insert off color joke here, as well) and he didn't try to get away...I got him outside and put him on the sidewalk. Where he remained for the next 30 minutes or so...I was afraid that he might actually be dead, but when I went out the last time, he had moved into the grass, and this time I was unable to pick him up, as he took off when I tried...A few days later, he was back on the OUTSIDE of the screened in porch, and he was driving the cat NUTS...It was pretty funny... Back to you Mervin...
Narrator: That's Marlon, Paticus...I bothered to learn your name, you hippie idiot...
Paticus: What's that, Merlin ?
Narrator: Nothing...Thanks Paticus for that riveting tale of the hunt...And thanks to all of you for tuning in...Until next time...Let's all kill and eat something, shall we ?
Saturday, January 14, 2006
"Okay, so no one's answering..."
You know what's a fucking fantastic song ?
"Telephone Line" by The Electric Light Orchestra
"let it ring forevermore..."
"Telephone Line" by The Electric Light Orchestra
"let it ring forevermore..."
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Burnin' The Colon At Both Ends....(DO NOT READ WHILST EATING!! You have been warned)
Okay, so I realize that the esophogous(sp ?) is not part of the colon, but I thought the wordplay was dazzling enough to overcome that disparity in fact...No ? It wasn't ? Well, it was worth a try...Anyhoo, I was burning the colon at both ends Saturday night/Sunday morning...Yup, I was suffering from violent regurgitations AND explosive diarrhea...Now THAT is a Saturday night my friend....It all started rather innocently, I wasn't feeling real well in my belly, but I figured it was because I had indulged in a bit more sugar than the type 2 diabetic should, and I decided to take some Pepto-Bismol(okay, I took the cvs brand pink bismuth-but Pepto sounds so much more romantic) and go to bed....Well, I lay(laid? Lain ? I always fuck that one up) in bed, and I was not feeling any better, so I decided to speed up the healing process a little bit...I went to the bathroom, took my position in front of Ol' Faithful, and shoved my index finger down my throat...Well, it worked like a charm, and I actually did feel a little better, so I brushed my teeth and went back to bed...I woke up about 45 minutes later, and I apparently had somehow shoved my finger back down my throat in my sleep because, I definitely had to Ralph again...I hopped out of bed, and made my way to Ol' Faithful again...Just in time...But there was something wrong, this Ralph was much more violent, if my first trip to the toilet was a Ralph Wiggum, this was definitely a Ralph Macchio in Karate Kid AFTER Miyagi's training: it came out my nose, I think some might have come out my ears, fer Christ's sake...And those were not the only two Ralphs to visit either...Ralph Nader, Ralph Malph(or was it "Mouth" ? I was always confused by that) from Happy Days, Ralph Branca, and even Little Ralphie Faustino from the old neighborhood stopped by...And you know those REAL BAD ralphs, you know the ones where you can taste what you had eaten again ? Well, I went on a trip down memory lane like you wouldn't believe...Oops, there are some jelly beans...There's the liverwurst sandwich and the cheetos I had for lunch...When did I eat spinach ?...Ooh, there's the bacon and pancakes I had for breakfast...yup, blueberry syrup....In between the ralphs were the bouts of violent diarrhea, you know the ones, where you go so often that your asshole actually goes NUMB ? SHAZAM !!!! But about the time that Ralph Branca was visiting, something unprecedented(for me anyway) happened...I felt a bout of violent diarrhea coming on...WHILST I WAS RALPHING !!! Luckily, the Ralph was subsiding, so I was able to get on the toilet before the lava flow began, but then I felt Ralphie Faustino from the old neighborhood come a calling... Thank Jesus to tha Christ that My Special Lady happened to be at the sink, because I was able to ask her to empty the trash can(it was out of my reach from the toilet) and give it to me, because for the first time in my life, I ralphed and shit AT THE SAME TIME !! SHAZAM again !!! At least this time there was nothing to taste, it was just water and stomach acid which was actually a refreshing orange color...And that was actually the last deposit, thank god... I just felt like a hockey puck after a three OT playoff game all day Sunday...Well, I think that is the end of my tale...I should go...
Monday, January 02, 2006
The Rally To Tally:Part One:Just Let's Get The Fuck Outta Chicago !!!
Okay...I have undergone a few intensive psychiatric sessions with Dr. Lowenstein, and we have decided that it is an important part of the healing process to share the details of the caravan from Chicago to Tallahassee...I would also like to report that my Special Lady and I are speaking again, for those whom were worried...
Okay, now to begin...I think it best to start with the arrival of the movers at Sandwich Flats Midwest(our apartment in Chicago, from this point forward to be called SFM- for those who are curious, there was a Sandwich Flats West as well- that is a tale for another day)....It was early in the morning of Friday the 16th of December, my Special Lady and I were awake already, dealing with RLB & LAB, and desperately trying to pack up our last few belongings(okay "last few" is an understatement- I would guess that the day of the move we probably packed 20 or so boxes-that's not including the stuff that got "put aside" for the caravan) and the movers arrived...It was cold and somewhat snowy that morning, so I decided that the back stairs to SFM were not an option for the movers, waaaaaaay too dangerous(and, I would find out later- waaaay more expensive-but I am getting ahead of the narrative), so they were going to use the front stairs, in defiance of the directive of the management company that stated all moves are to occur via the back stairs, but "Safety First", I always say...Fines Be DAMNED !!!! Okay, I really figured that they wouldn't notice, boy was I waaaay fuckin' wrong...Again, getting ahead of the story...By the way....Nancy Wilson(of Heart fame) does a great acoustic version of "In Your Eyes"...
Okay, pointless asides aside,where was I ?...Oh, yes, the movers arrived...And the bitching started...Man, could these guys bitch !!! I guess it serves us right for hiring Moody Bitchy Guys Moving, Inc., but I thought it was just a name...Now I know...Anyway, they show up and immediately start bitching about the car parked on the street in front of the building(some background here, on Thursday morning I went to our Alderman's office to get "No Parking" signs for Friday morning so the truck would have space to park in front of the building...in a scene worthy of Buster Keaton, I spastically attached these signs to a tree and a signpost in front of SFM...I was almost back to the door when it hit me that the signs had THURSDAY'S date on them, so I had to take them down, adjust the date, and reattach them to the tree and the signpost....I quite frankly did not believe that anyone would heed the sign, but lo and behold, Friday morning there was only one car on that side of the block(of course it was in the middle)...I was amazed...) Well, the one car was one too many, and the movers were not shy about sharing that view with me..."Alright, let's get that car towed." was about the third sentence from them...Actually, for story purposes, there were three guys, but let's attribute the speaking parts to the leader...We'll call him Smiley(not his real name)..So let's start that exchange over
Smiley: Awright, let's get that car towed.
Paticus: How do we go about that, exactly ?
Smiley: Call the city.
Paticus: I should probably call the Alderman's office, actually, they'll know who to call.
I almost added a shout of Ghostbusters, but I didn't think they would appreciate that.
So, I go off to call the Alderman's office...I will not recreate the whole conversation I had with the Alderman, but the gist of it was this...The signs essentially mean nothing...He told me that they really have no power to enforce them...It was heartening to see neighborhood government in action...Well, I report this to Smiley and the Fun Bunch, and they are not happy, I ask if they still have room to park the truck, and find out that they do, it just is not the prime spot for the feng shui of the move...But they accept that disappointment, and proceed to begin complaining about the stairs...Now, I'll accept some righteous grumblings about the foul auto that has ruined the feng shui, but these fuckers KNEW we were on the 3rd floor...If they knew this, then maybe don't bring the member of the Fun Bunch with the bad back AND the bad ankle...Maybe he's not your best asset for this particular move...
But I digress,they finally get down to assessing our belongings, and I have to start signing a series of waivers for things that they are not responsible for the safety of...Such as any pressboard furniture...And later I will have to sign the waiver stating that they are not responsible for the damage to the apartment building's carpeting(again, I am ahead of the story, sorry)...And he proceeds to tell us that it would be better to box up the computer and monitor and all that stuff(again, I'm pretty sure because if we pack it, they are not liable)...So we get to that, and then they actually start removing our materials from the apartment...
About 90 minutes in, they decide it might be a good idea to start protecting the carpet that they have been tromping over, so they tape some cardboard down on the landings, but don't protect the stairs at all, so I think it's really just a symbolic gesture of "concern"(this is when I had to sign the carpet waiver)...Smiley keeps asking us, "is that going ?"..."Is that going ?", clearly not wanting to carry these items...It is very hard to not scream" EVERYTHING BUT THE BABIES, THE CATS, AND THE CONTENTS OF THE BLOODY REFRIGERATOR IS GOING !!! PICK IT UP AND GET IT THE FUCK OUTTA HERE !!!", but I contain myself, and of course, that is not entirely true, there is random shit all over the apartment that is not going, but nothing to actually make their job any easier...
Okay, let's rocket forward to approximately 2 p.m., when a member of the Fun Bunch comes in to tell me that my super is down stairs freaking out about the staircase...I go down to talk to him, but he has moved on...This is when Smiley and the Fun Bunch inform me that if they have to use the back stairs, it will require the use of a shuttle truck and add at least 500 dollars to the move price, I decide to risk the carpet and I call the super on the phone and explain the safety factor, and I tell him that I will get the stairs cleaned by the people coming to clean the apartment...He is still not happy, but the day goes on...
Around this time, our friend CM comes over to lend a hand..Let me take a moment to nominate two people for sainthood for dealing with me and my family during this move...One is the aforementioned dear friend CM, who came by on Friday AND Saturday to help get us the fuck outta Chicago, and the other is my dear friend Sass, who made the grave error of agreeing to drive one of the caravan vehicles clear down to Tallahassee(she and I are still speaking as well, remarkably), but she will enter the story shortly...
Anyway, CM shows up for some moral support, and to help me because soon my Special Lady and Sass need to go out to O'Hare to pick up the trental car for the caravan...So, anyway, the moving finishes up pretty uneventfully, Sass arrives, she and the Special Lady go onto O'Hare to get the car...CM, RLB,LAB and I are all left in the aftermath of the move to try and organize some things and to direct the service that has arrived to clean our apartment( an idea borne of trying to save us some work AND perhaps get us more of our security deposit back, which went out the window with the wanton destruction of the apartment's hallway carpeting)...Anyway, the maid service tries to clean the carpet, but it ain't workin', we decide that we will just tell the super to have it shampooed and charge us for it...Fuck it, I just want out of this damn place now...
A little aside here, I call the maid service and they tell me that they cannot shampoo the rug, and I have to seriously question how their rep could come out and SEE the carpet and think that it would not need shampooing, and tell me that it will cost an extra 80 bucks to clean, knowing that they can't shampoo it ? Does that make sense ?
But back to our tale...CM and I tend to the babies and chat and organize, then I get a call from my Special Lady that the rental car company( a company for the budget conscious that will remain nameless) has changed what it said about someone under 25 being able to drive the rental car...Keep in mind we rented the car from them because the explicitly told us that it was FINE that a 24 year-old drive the car...Fuckers...Anyway, this news is the beginning of my unraveling(It doesn't help that I am a type 2 diabetic and I have not eaten all day)...But I am upset at the car rental place, I am upset that we have wasted most of Sass' day(one of only a few she had in town) for NOTHING, I am upset that we seem to have waaaay too much shit to take with us in the cars, and that it is in total disarray.,..Well, I hold it together until my Special Lady arrives, but then I do unravel(lucky CM gets to witness this)... I think unravel might be too kind a word, I think I can safely say that I melted down...I seem to remember remarking to My Special Lady that "We are never getting out of here."(which, incidentally, is the same thing I said during a bad acid trip at a Dead show when i literally forgot the previous two years of my life-good times)And my Special Lady is the one who realizes that I haven't eaten anything, so we decide to order some food and plan the rest of the night and the next day, we also allow CM to escape...Well, the food did not help, we set up the next day, but I was skeptical...
We took the kids and went to stay at the Super 8 motel...Once we were there, I immediately went to bed, only to sit bolt upright about half an hour later, because I couldn't remember turning off the oven(the pilot light on the stove had gone out while they were cleaning it, so I had to relight it, and I could not remember turning it off) I, of course, had to go check(I had turned it off, of course)...Then we slept...Saturday morning, the plan is to get out by noon...HA !!!!! ...Sorry, but that didn't happen...Gathering all our shit together and dealing with the super and loading the cars, even with CM and Sass' help took most of the day...What time did we pull away from the apartment ? 4p.m. CST....We did get to see one last beautiful Chicago sunset on our way out of town...Stay tuned for part 2
Okay, now to begin...I think it best to start with the arrival of the movers at Sandwich Flats Midwest(our apartment in Chicago, from this point forward to be called SFM- for those who are curious, there was a Sandwich Flats West as well- that is a tale for another day)....It was early in the morning of Friday the 16th of December, my Special Lady and I were awake already, dealing with RLB & LAB, and desperately trying to pack up our last few belongings(okay "last few" is an understatement- I would guess that the day of the move we probably packed 20 or so boxes-that's not including the stuff that got "put aside" for the caravan) and the movers arrived...It was cold and somewhat snowy that morning, so I decided that the back stairs to SFM were not an option for the movers, waaaaaaay too dangerous(and, I would find out later- waaaay more expensive-but I am getting ahead of the narrative), so they were going to use the front stairs, in defiance of the directive of the management company that stated all moves are to occur via the back stairs, but "Safety First", I always say...Fines Be DAMNED !!!! Okay, I really figured that they wouldn't notice, boy was I waaaay fuckin' wrong...Again, getting ahead of the story...By the way....Nancy Wilson(of Heart fame) does a great acoustic version of "In Your Eyes"...
Okay, pointless asides aside,where was I ?...Oh, yes, the movers arrived...And the bitching started...Man, could these guys bitch !!! I guess it serves us right for hiring Moody Bitchy Guys Moving, Inc., but I thought it was just a name...Now I know...Anyway, they show up and immediately start bitching about the car parked on the street in front of the building(some background here, on Thursday morning I went to our Alderman's office to get "No Parking" signs for Friday morning so the truck would have space to park in front of the building...in a scene worthy of Buster Keaton, I spastically attached these signs to a tree and a signpost in front of SFM...I was almost back to the door when it hit me that the signs had THURSDAY'S date on them, so I had to take them down, adjust the date, and reattach them to the tree and the signpost....I quite frankly did not believe that anyone would heed the sign, but lo and behold, Friday morning there was only one car on that side of the block(of course it was in the middle)...I was amazed...) Well, the one car was one too many, and the movers were not shy about sharing that view with me..."Alright, let's get that car towed." was about the third sentence from them...Actually, for story purposes, there were three guys, but let's attribute the speaking parts to the leader...We'll call him Smiley(not his real name)..So let's start that exchange over
Smiley: Awright, let's get that car towed.
Paticus: How do we go about that, exactly ?
Smiley: Call the city.
Paticus: I should probably call the Alderman's office, actually, they'll know who to call.
I almost added a shout of Ghostbusters, but I didn't think they would appreciate that.
So, I go off to call the Alderman's office...I will not recreate the whole conversation I had with the Alderman, but the gist of it was this...The signs essentially mean nothing...He told me that they really have no power to enforce them...It was heartening to see neighborhood government in action...Well, I report this to Smiley and the Fun Bunch, and they are not happy, I ask if they still have room to park the truck, and find out that they do, it just is not the prime spot for the feng shui of the move...But they accept that disappointment, and proceed to begin complaining about the stairs...Now, I'll accept some righteous grumblings about the foul auto that has ruined the feng shui, but these fuckers KNEW we were on the 3rd floor...If they knew this, then maybe don't bring the member of the Fun Bunch with the bad back AND the bad ankle...Maybe he's not your best asset for this particular move...
But I digress,they finally get down to assessing our belongings, and I have to start signing a series of waivers for things that they are not responsible for the safety of...Such as any pressboard furniture...And later I will have to sign the waiver stating that they are not responsible for the damage to the apartment building's carpeting(again, I am ahead of the story, sorry)...And he proceeds to tell us that it would be better to box up the computer and monitor and all that stuff(again, I'm pretty sure because if we pack it, they are not liable)...So we get to that, and then they actually start removing our materials from the apartment...
About 90 minutes in, they decide it might be a good idea to start protecting the carpet that they have been tromping over, so they tape some cardboard down on the landings, but don't protect the stairs at all, so I think it's really just a symbolic gesture of "concern"(this is when I had to sign the carpet waiver)...Smiley keeps asking us, "is that going ?"..."Is that going ?", clearly not wanting to carry these items...It is very hard to not scream" EVERYTHING BUT THE BABIES, THE CATS, AND THE CONTENTS OF THE BLOODY REFRIGERATOR IS GOING !!! PICK IT UP AND GET IT THE FUCK OUTTA HERE !!!", but I contain myself, and of course, that is not entirely true, there is random shit all over the apartment that is not going, but nothing to actually make their job any easier...
Okay, let's rocket forward to approximately 2 p.m., when a member of the Fun Bunch comes in to tell me that my super is down stairs freaking out about the staircase...I go down to talk to him, but he has moved on...This is when Smiley and the Fun Bunch inform me that if they have to use the back stairs, it will require the use of a shuttle truck and add at least 500 dollars to the move price, I decide to risk the carpet and I call the super on the phone and explain the safety factor, and I tell him that I will get the stairs cleaned by the people coming to clean the apartment...He is still not happy, but the day goes on...
Around this time, our friend CM comes over to lend a hand..Let me take a moment to nominate two people for sainthood for dealing with me and my family during this move...One is the aforementioned dear friend CM, who came by on Friday AND Saturday to help get us the fuck outta Chicago, and the other is my dear friend Sass, who made the grave error of agreeing to drive one of the caravan vehicles clear down to Tallahassee(she and I are still speaking as well, remarkably), but she will enter the story shortly...
Anyway, CM shows up for some moral support, and to help me because soon my Special Lady and Sass need to go out to O'Hare to pick up the trental car for the caravan...So, anyway, the moving finishes up pretty uneventfully, Sass arrives, she and the Special Lady go onto O'Hare to get the car...CM, RLB,LAB and I are all left in the aftermath of the move to try and organize some things and to direct the service that has arrived to clean our apartment( an idea borne of trying to save us some work AND perhaps get us more of our security deposit back, which went out the window with the wanton destruction of the apartment's hallway carpeting)...Anyway, the maid service tries to clean the carpet, but it ain't workin', we decide that we will just tell the super to have it shampooed and charge us for it...Fuck it, I just want out of this damn place now...
A little aside here, I call the maid service and they tell me that they cannot shampoo the rug, and I have to seriously question how their rep could come out and SEE the carpet and think that it would not need shampooing, and tell me that it will cost an extra 80 bucks to clean, knowing that they can't shampoo it ? Does that make sense ?
But back to our tale...CM and I tend to the babies and chat and organize, then I get a call from my Special Lady that the rental car company( a company for the budget conscious that will remain nameless) has changed what it said about someone under 25 being able to drive the rental car...Keep in mind we rented the car from them because the explicitly told us that it was FINE that a 24 year-old drive the car...Fuckers...Anyway, this news is the beginning of my unraveling(It doesn't help that I am a type 2 diabetic and I have not eaten all day)...But I am upset at the car rental place, I am upset that we have wasted most of Sass' day(one of only a few she had in town) for NOTHING, I am upset that we seem to have waaaay too much shit to take with us in the cars, and that it is in total disarray.,..Well, I hold it together until my Special Lady arrives, but then I do unravel(lucky CM gets to witness this)... I think unravel might be too kind a word, I think I can safely say that I melted down...I seem to remember remarking to My Special Lady that "We are never getting out of here."(which, incidentally, is the same thing I said during a bad acid trip at a Dead show when i literally forgot the previous two years of my life-good times)And my Special Lady is the one who realizes that I haven't eaten anything, so we decide to order some food and plan the rest of the night and the next day, we also allow CM to escape...Well, the food did not help, we set up the next day, but I was skeptical...
We took the kids and went to stay at the Super 8 motel...Once we were there, I immediately went to bed, only to sit bolt upright about half an hour later, because I couldn't remember turning off the oven(the pilot light on the stove had gone out while they were cleaning it, so I had to relight it, and I could not remember turning it off) I, of course, had to go check(I had turned it off, of course)...Then we slept...Saturday morning, the plan is to get out by noon...HA !!!!! ...Sorry, but that didn't happen...Gathering all our shit together and dealing with the super and loading the cars, even with CM and Sass' help took most of the day...What time did we pull away from the apartment ? 4p.m. CST....We did get to see one last beautiful Chicago sunset on our way out of town...Stay tuned for part 2
Sunday, January 01, 2006
My New Year's Resolution...
From now on, I am going to put my pants on BOTH legs at once...NOT one leg at a time, just like everyone else.
Shazam !!!
You know what ? I don't think people use "shazam" enough as a statement of awe and surprise, or happiness or sadness, it's really an all purpose word, and it is grossly underused...I'm gonna try and fix that...SHAZAM !!!!!
That's two l's, two s's and two e's...
T-a-l-l-a-h-a-s-s-e-e...yeah, it's like you spell Tally first, then replace the y with an a, then add on hassle, but replace the l with another e...Tallahassee....it's simple, really...
Hapy New Year !!!!!!!
Hapy New Year !!!!!!!
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