"We Are Young...

Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing...
Love is a battlefield- Pat Benatar(written by M. Chapman-H. Knight)
Boy, for some reason, that song sounds really good at 4:30 a.m. with an inconsolable infant in the room.

Diagnosis...

Well, I finally have an answer..I saw my doctor yesterday, and she was finally able to pinpoint the cause of my difficulties...And I wanted to share the news with you...First of all, I would like to thank everyone who supported me(you know who you are) through this difficult time, when no one could figure out what the problem was, when even I doubted whether I was really sick at all..It would have been really easy to walk away, leave me in the dust, but you stuck by me, and I will always remember that...Anyway, yesterday, my six months of gruelling tests finally yielded a result...I have a serious retsin deficiency...It seems so clear now...My lack of freshness, my low kissability...All the signs clearly point to a retsin deficiency, but no one could see it...Until now...And now the healing can begin...Cert, anyone ?

Jesus Playing Raquetball With Ringo Starr , Raquel Welch And Joe Namath

Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, or my dangerous mixing of medications, but I was just eating a bowl of Cheesey Burger Macaroni and drinking some Diet Mounatin Dew when I saw CLEAR AS DAY, in the bowl of pasta, Jesus playing raquetball with Ringo Starr, Raquel Welch and Joe Namath...It was Jesus and Raquel against Ringo and Joe, and Jesus and Raquel were wiping the floor with them...And Bill Cosby, Robert Culp, Conrad Bain and Lance Kerwin were the cheerleaders, and Blue Oyster Cult was accompanying the whole thing with a blistering version of "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" sung in Portugese...Weird, huh ?

How Can I Be Expected To Be Thankful ?

Have you heard the news ? I only just heard it myself...I was watching an episode of "The Howard Stern Show" from E! Entertainment Television when they broke in with the breaking news...And my first thought was an overwhelming desire for it to be April 1st, and that this be a fake news story...But deep in my heart, I knew it was true...Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have finally called it quits...And the first question is this: Just what the hell is this world coming to ? What kind of world is it where these two crazy kids can't make it work ? I mean, their relationship was based on such a deep mutual respect, that if they can't last, what chance do the rest of us have ? I feel like I should set fire to my marriage certificate and piss on the ashes...I might as well feed my wedding band to Preston the possum for Pete's sake...If Nick And Jessica can't make it, then the whole institution of marriage is a sham...I mean, how much abuse can one sacrament take ? I mean, first of all, this Renee Zellwegger/Kenny Chesney tragedy- I mean, who would have thunk it that their union wouldn't last ? They dated for a full twelve and a half minutes before getting married- they just knew it was right, but then it was wrong...And now this...Maybe Oprah is right about marriage too...Maybe she knows that the institution itself is poisonous...And that's why she won't marry that Steadman fella...I mean, she is smarter than Jesus and Dr. Joyce Brothers put together...She certainly knows how to choose literature...But enough about the Almighty...Back to the pain...What will they do now ?...Are there enough strippers in the world to fill up the Jessica sized hole inside Nick Lachey ? And what of fair Jessica ? She's no spring chicken...Will another man want her now ? Maybe her sister can warble an inspirational tune to her while their Dad leers at them...But what about us ? How do we get through the pain ? And especially today ? Does the Hollywood news machine need to be this heartless ? Did they have to break this news today ? How am I to give thanks ? Sure, I have a pretty good life..I have a pretty fine Special Lady, I have two adorable healthy daughters, some dear, dear friends and family,that rash is finally clearing up, my ears are slowly returning to their original shape, the medication seems to be controlling the mood swings, and the 27 hour erection brought on by my accidental ingestion of Cialis has finally subsided(much to my Special Lady's chagrin, if you catch my drift- wink wink)...And the Mets have solved their power problem at first base with their trade for slugging first baseman Carlos Delgado...But that all pales when I think of the fact that a true storybook romance has come to an end..I just feel unhinged..I mean, how may nights have My Special Lady and I whiled away playing "Nick And Jessica" in our own bedroom ? I have lost count...What will we do now ? Play Brad and Angelina ? Or Ben and Jennifer ? It's just not the same...Nick and Jessica were put on this Earth to save the institution of marriage, and they have failed...Now, matters are worse...

Who's Singing That ?

Okay, there's a cover version of the Blondie song "Hanging On The Telephone" on a current cellphone commercial and I KNOW I recognize the singer's voice, but I CANNOT place it !! I know it's one of those things that when one of you kind kind readers out there(c'mon there has to be at least 1 or 2 people reading right ? If only by accident ?) tells me who it is, I will hit my forehead with the palm of my hand and exclaim "Oh, yeah ! It's (so and so) !!"
Can someone help me out ? Pleeeeeeeeze ?

Fertility Odyssey:Part 4: Who Would Believe Having One's Testicles Swabbed In Gel By An Attractive Woman Would Be This Unarousing ?

"Welcome back....Your dreams were your ticket out...Welcome back...To that same old place that you laughed about"...Oh John Sebastian, you sentimental old bastard...So, you have come back for more of the sordid true story of our journey to parenthood, eh ? Good for you...Not everyone has made it this far...Some people dropped off at the mention of vaginal fluids...Some after having the mental picture of Paticus having sex with anyone emblazoned into their brains(UNCLEAN !!!! UNCLEAN !!!!!!)...And I think a lot more fell to the wayside around the time of the sperm donation and prostate exam...But not you, you brave old fools...You have returned...

Was it the lure of the testicular ultrasound ? It's okay, you can admit it...It's a pretty enticing term, huh ? I was certainly intrigued...Would it be like the fetal ultrasounds I had seen in popular movies and on the television ? Would I be given a chance to individually name my testicles ? I mean, I certainly figured I would know them better than I ever had before, perhaps it would be proper to give them names ? Would I get pictures printed out to send to my friends and family ? "Dear Mom & Dad... Here are pictures of My Boys: Luke and Han - Happy Anniversary- Your son- Paticus"- That might be keen...Or it might get me institutionalized...But enough of my daydreaming...On to the ultrasound....

So, I arrive at the hospital and check in...Of course, the doctor has written the word "testicular" in such a way that NO ONE in the hospital can make it out, so at the registration desk, I get asked...
"I'm sorry, what kind of ultrasound are you here for ?"
"Isn't it there on the order ?"
"Yes, but I can't make it out, and I doubt that you are here for a trenchcoat ultrasound."
"oh....Yeah...It's A...testicular ultrasound."
"What's that ? I couldn't hear you"
" It's A...Well..It's A...testicular ultrasound that I'm in here for."
"I'm sorry, you mumbled it again...What kind ? "
And I SWEAR that she smirked at me !! She could read it, she was just gonna make me say it out loud. Well, here's where the Irish temper kicked in...And I said...
"I'm here for a testicular ultrasound !!! That's T-E-S-T-I-C-U-L-A-R !! That's my balls !! My Fellas !! The beans in the "old pork and beans" as they say !! Did you hear me that time ?"
"Yes sir, thank you...you need to go to radiology. That's down the hall, second elevator, up to the third floor and make a left after you get off the elevator"
"Thank you." I said, and walked off down the hall. Next stop: radiology !!
Radiology....On my way there, I started wondering if while I was in the radiology department, there might be some sort of explosion or radiation leak that grants me some sort of super powers...That would be kickass...I wonder if I would decide to be a superhero or a supervillian ? That would be a tough decision...I guess one would have to hope that there would be some sort of brain damage that would push me in one direction or the other...I wonder what powers I'll get ? Super strength...sorta pedestrian, huh ? Invisibility ? Now, that would be sorta cool...Or maybe I could get a whole series of powers...Maybe I could get ALL of the Fantastic Four's powers, and I could be Fantastic to the power of 4 ?...Okay, I just crossed a rather wide geek line there, didn't I ? Sorry about that...

I arrived at the radiology desk,and the lady behind the counter takes my form(why were ALL of the people I came into contact with on Testicular Ultrasound Day women ? It was like some combination horror/porno movie...Because being a man at heart(if not necessarily a man sperm count wise)my mind will always wander to the porn movies of my youth(okay, and young adulthood, and regular adulthood and middle age and...Well, you get the picture) and I start to imagine the attractive (female)Doctor or Nurse or Testicular Ultrasound Technician (or ALL three)saying something along the lines of..."Well, there's only one way to cure THAT." and that deep funk bass groove would start, and we would get bizzay !! And of course that is coupled with the utter embarrassment of the factual reason for my being there in the first place, and the sheer fear of having three women sexually interested in me at the same time.

But I digress...I arrived at the radiology desk, and the lady behind the counter took my form, looked it over and asked..
"What kind of ultrasound are you here for ?" I stared for a second, and answered....
"Testicular..." And sighed She typed up a bunch of stuff and told me to have seat.
"Paticus ?" The nurse said.
"Yep" I said.
" Okay, come with me" she said. And I complied and followed her to the ultrasound room, where my worst fears/fantasies were realized...The Testicular Ultrasound Technician was VERY attractive.
"This is Paticus" my guide said." And this is Lisa, she'll be doing your ultrasound today." I desperately tried to think of something witty to say...But most of the things that came to mind were just creepy("So, you come here often ?" " I hope you'll buy me a drink or two first.")...And that didn't seem like the way to start off someone who might quite possibly be handling my balls.
"Hello." I said.
"Hi" she said.

I'll skip the technical discussion and the how and why of my being there( But I will tell you that I think Lisa was hitting on me a little bit- yeah, right), and we'll get right down to the ULTRASOUND.
So, Lisa comes over to me with two rolled up towels." Okay, Paticus, what I need you to do is take off your pants, and climb up on the table, then I need you to put this towel under your testicles so that they sort of stick out over the end, and then you can use this towel to cover you penis( I ALMOST told Lisa that we were gonna need a bigger towel, but I didn't think that would go over well, and I didn't know that she would get the Jaws reference anyway)...I'll be back in a minute or so." And she pulled the curtain and walked away. Now, I don't know how many of you have ever tried to literally put your testicles on a pedestal, but it's not as easy as it might seem. It was a tough task, I'll tell you that. A mirror would have been a good thing, but I just had to wing it. I finally got it all set, and thank God I got it done before Lisa got back, because I think I would have been mortified if Lisa had come back and caught me, even though it was something she had asked me to do...I think maybe it's a catholic thing...

Anyway, I got my boys on display, and covered up the rest and Lisa re entered the picture.
" I think I got it set right." I said. Lisa glanced down and nodded.
"Yeah, that's fine." Then she pulled up a chair, put on her rubber gloves, and grabbed her tube of gel." Okay, we try and keep this warm, but sometimes it's till cold. I'm going to apply it to your testicles for the ultrasound."
"Okay" I said. Well, folks, Lisa was not kidding...That was some COLD GEL !! She had a soft touch, but who would believe that having your testicles swabbed in gel by an attractive woman would be this unarousing ? Which was good, because I was afraid I was going to have to explain why the second towel was so "active"...So, the ultrasound itself was pretty uneventful...I was actually able to relax a bit, which was good because it took like a 1/2 an hour. It was a little nervewracking because there was this sort of irrational fear that my "member" might escape from under the towel. But thankfully(porn fantasies aside) that didn't happen. All in all, it was a pretty uneventful testicular ultrasound, which I suppose is a good thing. Then Lisa turned off the machine, threw a towel at me and said "Clean yourself off, and get the hell out." Okay, she actually handed me a towel, and told me I could clean up.
Okay, so that's the tale of the ultrasound...See you next time...

Here is Preston...He likes eating garbage...long walks in the rain...the poetry of Jewel...and beady eyes... 

SAVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT !!!!!

For All The Nevernudes !!!
http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/arresteddev
Help Save The Bluths !!!
It maybe too little too late, but we must TRY !!

STEVE HOLT !!!!!

" Now....Matters Are Worse..."- Yoda- "Empire Strikes Back"

Okay, so here's what I am thinking about at 4 a.m. with a SHRIEKING 2 month old projectile vomiting on the floor(aaah...the fluids of fatherhood)...In "The Empire Strikes Back", after Luke has seen the vision of Han and Leia suffering, and he has decided to leave Degobah for the Cloud City(Bespa I believe it is called- Geek Check, I lose)...He has this conversation with Yoda and the Spirit of Ben Kenobi(which, by the way, was the rejected name of Lindbergh's plane)..but they fail to convince him that he must stay and finish his training..as he flies off, Yoda says the title line of this post, and then Ben Kenobi(Obi-Wan) says: "That boy was our last hope."..and Yoda says" No, there is another." About whom do you think he was speaking ?
I know that a lot of people assume he is talking about(really really old spoiler alert) Leia, as we soon find out that she and Luke are brother and sister(twins, in fact, perhaps part of why this is on my mind ?)...But I disagree, I think he is talking about Anakin Skywalker, because in the end, he does redeem himself, kill the Emperor and restore balance to the Force- not Leia. What do you think ?

A.D.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS FUCKING BRILLIANT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dick's Picks Volume 36, The Boss On Sirius...And Those Vengeful Sith !!

'Sup, Dawgs !!!!
Okay, that's as far as that will go...I just though I would take this quiet eleven seconds to rap about some things I am digging right now...
First off, I would like to thank my friend c2 for pointing me in the direction of "Everybody Hates Chris"...I was a little scared of the MEGAHYPE this new situation comedy was getting, but she told me it was funny, and trusting her judgment, I checked it out...And it is FUNNY !! I mean HILARIOUS !! Check it out, my friends, you will not be disappointed..." Chris, you're going to a GOOD school now, what are you learning..To ride the bus ?"
Also, I recently purchased Dicks' Picks 36, the 36th entry in the archival releases form the Grateful Dead vaults...It's a show from the Philadelphia Spectrum on September 21st, 1972...And I have heard about 3 and a half of the four discs, and I must say, it kicks some ass..Not the greatest in the bunch, but some damn good stuff-a pretty hot "Morning Dew"...A kickin' "Cumberland Blues"...Unfortunately there is a "Playin' In The Band" with Donna wailing away like a wounded condor, but what are you gonna do ?
Also, Bruce Springsteen has his own channel on Sirius Satellite radio...That kicks MUCH ASS !!! It's called E Street Radio...And I am DIGGING IT !! I also placed my order for the deluxe reissue of Born To Run(30th Anniversary) and I am breathless with anticipation.
Oh, I recently re-watched Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith...And I still think it's good...In fact, I think parts of it are great... Palpatine drips evil, as does Anakin eventually...I don't know, I really thought it was pretty damn good. Sorry.
I don't know that I have much else to say...I should probably go...Paticus Out !!!

Fertility Odyssey :Part 3: Test Results, Prostate Exam, And Perfecting My Chevy Chase Impression...

Back for more, eh ? I don't know whether to envy or pity you...I'll stick with envy...Okay, so where were we ? Aaah, yes, I had just dropped off my sperm sample to Nurse Sourface....Good times...Good times...

Now we wait...And chew our fingernails(even more than usual) and have EXTENDED internal dialogues about my potential sperm count...The main thread of these discussions ? If I have a low or (gasp!!) non existent sperm count( I think the kids today call it sterility ? Shooting blanks ?)...My Special Lady will certainly leave me in the dust...And I would not blame her...Hell, I'd give her bus fare...Let's run down my list of credentials...Unattractive,Overweight, Diabetic,Simpson/Grateful Dead Obsessed Middling Wage Earner in a job with horrendous hours- Jesus Christ, man, if I can't produce offspring, I would leave myself...After that bit of self loathing and self pity...I would come to the positive conclusion that at least I had no life insurance, so she would more likely leave me than kill me for the payoff...Then I could usually drift off to sleep...To dream my dreams of lethargic sperm...

Then came D-Day, the results of my tests were in, and I had to go and visit the urologist...I think I'm getting the timeline right...Anyway, I'm on my way to the urologist, and I'm gearing up for the prostate exam, and practicing my Chevy Chase in Fletch impression..."Mooooon Riiiiver....You using the whole fist there, Doc ?... Well, it's not for a lack of looking."... Because I am quite sure that when I am bent over a table with a man's finger up my ass, I will be in a VERY quippy mood...So, there I am sitting in the Dr.'s exam room, and he comes in and asks me where my test results are...I very calmly reply(MUCH more calmly then I feel he deserves)..."Shouldn't you have them ? When I called to make my appointment, I asked the receptionist and she said that you had seen the test results" He stared at me for a few seconds, looked again in the mostly empty manila folder in his hand, as if my test results were simply under some wizard's spell, and now the joke was over, and "POOF" there they would be...Surprise, they were still not there..."I'll be right back" he said, and walked out...

Suffice to say, he found my test results...And I soon would prefer that he had not...He said the less devastating of the two choices, but I still really did not want to hear low sperm count...Then he told me to drop my pants(lots of pants dropping involved in this whole process- rather obvious, I suppose, but an observation nonetheless)... After some inspection of my "boys" for lumps and such( none to speak of, thank goodness, and I will add, a very professional inspection, no giggling, no whistling, no inappropriate baseball or orange references) it was time for the "probe"....I will spare the specifics of the prostate exam...Let's just say that I did not cry...And that I will forever send the urologist a Christmas card...Anyway, let;'s move on...I think that's enough for today, but I will leave you with this teaser for Part 4- I left the urologist's office with a prescription for a testicular ultrasound...Talk to you soon...