Tuesday, May 30, 2006

WTF ???

Now, I'm sure some of you are wondering, what the fuck, Paticus ? Why the latest installments of What Movie Is This From AND Name That Lyric on the same day ? AND why on a god-damned Tuesday ? No ? none of you were wondering about that ? Not a single of you exclaimed "What the fuck, paticus ?" No one even thought it ? Not even the shorthand, "WTF ?" Really ? No one ? Oh, okay...Well, i was just gonna tell you that My Special Lady and I are are getting outta the Hassee tomorrrow for a coupla days, and I won't necessarily have access to a computer( I'm going to work farm to pay off the rest of my Community Service stemming from the "incident" with Tori Spelling and the tiramisu- No, i am not gonna rehash it- She knows she was wrong ! I know she was wrong...I can't help it if the judge was blinded by celebrity....I will do my time, and then that's it...It gets expunged, unless I assault anyone else in the next two years with delicious desserts...JUST desserts is more like it !! Oh, no I di'nt !!) I have said too much...But the point is, I will not be blogging most likely, and I did not want to rob you folks of the highlights of your week.
Peace !!
paticus

Name That Lyric....Episode 6

Epsiode 6...Hey, we've tied Star Wars !! Whoo-Frickin'- Hoo !!!!
As I'm sure you all know, we have co-winners of episode 5: Lauren got the band correct(Black Crowes) and Feral Mom guessed the title of the song "She Talks To Angels"...Congratulations !!
And now, right here on this blog...Epsidoe 6 !!

"God it's so painful
When something that is so close
Is still so far out of reach."


Good Luck, Crimestoppers !!!

What Movie is This From ?...Episode IV

Okay, so...No winners this week...One for three people....Not too good...I think you folks gotta pick up the pace here...Nose to the grindstone...Shoulder to the wheel...Elbow to...the...phlange circuit....Well, you get my point....

First, the ANSWER to last week's question:
What movie is "I'm an exchange student...(belch)...from Slobovia." ? "Making the Grade" starring none other than Judd Nelson, and Gordon Jump, of course !! Great movie, very funny, AND a Judd Nelson's body double breakdances !!! There's also a great and illuminating montage on what IS and IS NOT preppy !! Check it out folks, you will be glad you did !!!

On to this week's quote:
Movie from 1987

"How terrible is wisdom when it brings no profit to the wise, Johnny ?"


Good Luck, Crimestoppers !!!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Name that Lyric...Episode 5 !!

Wow...5 weeks...And they said it wouldn't last...Screw you Global Contests magazine!! We're still here !!!!!
Okay, we had a half correct answer last week from Doctor Mama...It was Bob Dylan, but she was unable to guess the correct song title, "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues"...That Bob Dylan, he really has a great voice, but he should get some help with those lyrics...Okay, onto Episode 5....

"She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company"

Good Luck, Crimestoppers !!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Because When I Think Of Baseball...

I think of Jewel.
Allow me to elaborate...I just received an e-mail from MLB.com( I got on their mailing list when I ordered some New York Mets onesies for the girls- so now I get e-mails periodically about voting for the All-Star game(I did) or entering a contest to show why I'm the BIGGEST BASEBALL FAN IN AMERICA( I didn't because I am not))...And it was an advertisement for Jewel's new record "Goodbye Alice In Wonderland", in fact the subject line of the e-mail was: MLB.com's Best Records: Jewel's "Goodbye Alice In Wonderland"...Now, I found this odd...And then I opened the e-mail, and it got odder...There are video clips of an interview with Jewel and of Jewel performing at MLB.com's studios !! Sorry, but WTF?!?!?!?!?!?! I'm listening to the interview now, and they have yet to discuss baseball, so I cannot for the life of me figure out what Jewel is doing hawking her wares on MLB.com ? She doesn't seem to have any interest in baseball, and I don't know that there is a lot of crossover form Major League Baseball fans to sensitive, yodelling singer songwriters....I mean, I guess it's not something to have a problem with, it just seems so odd...Did her foray into pop and commercial jingles hurt her THAT much that she needs to take any PR gig she could find ? I know what you are going to say..."But Paticus, didn't home run hitter Barry Bonds admit to turning to Jewel's book of poetry "A Night Without Armor" for strength during his historic 73 home run season ?"...And that is true, but there is also mounting evidence that the book was written under the influence of steroids, which as we ALL know, increase your sensitivity AND ability to rhyme, so it is something that MLB is trying to distance itself from right now...PLUS, they didn't even mention that in the interview...It makes no sense, crimestoppers !! It just makes no sense !! I mean, I would understand if they had John Fogerty on, as he wrote that annoying "Centerfield" song....Or, Garth Brooks, because he tried out for the Padres, or even Jack White, whom you may not know was a touted minor league prospect in the Seattle Mariners system until he hurt his elbow in a gardening accident. But Jewel ? I just don't get it...And she didn't even perform "Standing Still"...I love that song...

What Movie Is This From...Episode III

"Welcome back my friends/ To the show that never ends/We're so glad you could attend/come inside, come inside"- Is that ELP ? It IS prog rock though, right ? I think it's ELP...Oh well, it doesn't matter, we're not here to name lyrics are we ? No we are not.(that's tomorrow)
We are here to Guess What Movie This Is From !!
Last week's was won by the lovely Stephanie, who also chastised the Quizmaster for an easy question...I must say, I would not have thought that the only line spoken by "The Stomach" at the Hot Dog Eating Contest in Meatballs ("What ? No Mustard ?")would be a softball of a question..But I suppose the power of the line reading by that guy really touched people...Anyway, lets' move on to today's game:

The year is 1984...

"I'm an exchange student...(belch)...From Slobovia."

Good Luck, Crimestoppers !!!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I Wish I Were A Better Person...

I wish I could rise above the bad feelings, and move on..."Forgive and forget", they always say, whomever the fuck "they" may happen to be...But I just can't do it...He's been making the rounds of the talk shows lately, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to bury the hatchet, let the past go...But the minute I saw him, the hurt and the rage came flooding back, and I threw my mango vodka smoothie at the television...So I am here to admit my smallness, to admit that I cannot be the bigger man...I simply cannot forgive Billy Connolly for trying to replace Howard Hesseman on "Head Of The Class"...There, I have admitted it...Judge me if you must...

Monday, May 22, 2006

"Excuse me, I've got to crap."-Sydney Bristow

Okay, that isn't what she actually said, but it would have been so excellent if she had. Allow me to explain...I recently began watching the reruns of "Alias" on TNT( I know, they are "edited pieces of crap" i believe is how my friend Lauren put it, but I like the show, and it's on really late at night/early in the morning and TIVO is my friend)...And there was an episode recently when Arvin Sloane(boo!!hiss !!), who has been a bad,bad boy was once again her boss( waaaay to convoluted for me to explain here...I'm not actually sure I understand it)...And he had just given the whole team their assignments in the briefing room, and he walked over to try and engage Sydney in converesation, and she gets up and says..."Excuse me, I've got to crap." After I stopped laughing, i rewound it(again-TiVo, friend)...Only to find out that she actually said "prep", not "crap", but that didn't ruin the moment, for that brief shining second, i thought i had witnessed one of the greatest lines ever written in the history of anything..."Call me Ishmael" ? Bah !! "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ?" ? Claptrap !! "frankly my dear, i don't give a damn."? Well, I don't give a damn !! How about this ? Imagine if Rhett Butler had said "Frankly, my dear, I have to go crap !!" It gives "Gone With the Wind" a new meaning, doesn't it ?
Anyway, I guess there is no point to this(and that's different, how ?), i just found it really funny. I guess i should go.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Why, Yes, I DO Look Different Today...

And it's all thanks to Sandy at LunaStone Designs: http://www.lunastonedesigns.com I gave her a vague notion of what i was looking for, and Viola !!
Thank you, Sandy !!

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Fertility Odyssey, Part 7: Bring On The Porn !!!

Here we are again...Let me reset the scene...We have gone through the disastrous and emasculating Artificial Insemination(or A.I., but I hate to use those initials as it reminds me of that fucking horrendous Steven Spielberg movie that I was tricked into paying 9 motherfucking dollars to see- they changed the matinee rules so that only the first showing was half price, which I discovered when the guy handed me back 2 dollars from my 20, and two TORN tickets-there was no going back...And man, was that movie a steaming pile of shit !! There was a clear reason Kubrick had never made that movie- he KNEW it would be a piece of shit !!)
Sorry...Sorry...That was uncalled for, and unproductive, no pun intended.(Get it ? I started by talking about a failed insemination ? Unproductive ? Ha !!!) Where was I ? Oh yes, so my Special Lady and I were recovering from the failed Artificial Insemination...We waited the two weeks to find out that it had not worked, and even though we knew that it hadn't, it was still sad to get the call.

The fertility people were very supportive, I only heard one murmur of 'Stupid spermless husband". And that MIGHT have been my Special Lady, I'm not sure...But we decided that another round of Artificial Insemination would not be wise, we were being bumped up to the old IVF- In Vitro Fertilization...At first, I thought this meant we were going to have a cyborg baby, which I thought would be pretty cool, especially if we could order certain features like an ice maker, or at least freezing breath to chill beverages, or a drill for a hand or something, but it was patiently explained to me that it would simply be a process of my sperm fertilizing the Special Lady's egg in a Petri dish...They were actually going to use a Petri dish ? It was like the X-Files !!

In order to get the IVF rolling, I needed to visit the lab to produce another sperm sample( my relationship with my Special Lady may have been under some strain through this process, but my relationship with Rosie Palm was going gangbusters, I'll tell you what. You know, on a side note, it was only very recently that it dawned on me that Jackson Browne's song "Rosie" was about jerking off, I always actually thought it was about a woman named Rosie- Thirty years almost, that's what I thought he was singing about, this woman named Rosie that he could have sex with when there was no one else)...So we go to the front desk and they tell me that I need to call the lab to make an appointment...And here is an exact quote.." Call over to the lab, and speak with Igor or Joe ." Are you fucking kidding me ? The lab guy is named IGOR ?!?!?!?! Where the fuck is Allen Funt ? IGOR is going to be making our baby ? That was priceless !! I think that broke the tension that had been building between My Special Lady and I...We waited until we got to the car, but then we both busted out laughing, and I started doing my best Marty Feldman impression from "Young Frankenstein"- "Hump ? What hump ?" "There wolf...There castle.."... Good Times...

So anyway, I get home and call up the lab, and I speak to Joe, who has a habit of making several words sound like one...As in "ThislabJoespeakingwhatdoyou ?"... I asked him a few times to repeat himself, and then I just gave up and started guessing...I set an appointment for the next week(or at least I was pretty sure that I had) and waited not too patiently...My Special lady had already started stabbing herself in the belly with two different medications every night, so she was having a blast as well.

The time came(no pun intended) to go and visit Igor and Joe and to give them my first sample...It turned out that this sample would be tested, and if there was enough viable swimmers, would be frozen to be used for the IVF...For some reason, this added a little pressure.... I guess I was kinda thinking of this one as the dress rehearsal, but now this might end up on the air, so to speak- YIKES !!!! Luckily, My Special Lady agreed to come to the lab with me, so it was a little less scary.

We arrive at the hospital and make our way to the lab. Of course, it's a windowless door that you have to knock on to gain entrance...It feels quite like you're waiting to score some smack or purchase illegal fireworks or something... We knock on the door and furtively glance around, waiting to see if there are any "squares" who are gonna rain on our parade and keep us from "scoring"...The door finally opens and Joe lets us "inside"...
Well, what we saw when we walked in was absolutely...Unamazing...I was hoping there would be all these tubes with ice on them and sm0ke and fetuses encased in ice, and all kinds of Sci-Fi shit, but it was just a room with a waist high table and a bunch of cardboard boxes...It WAS dimly lit, so that was kinda cool, but overall kind of anti-climactic(no pun intended.)

So, Joe had me fill out some forms( no sign of Igor, i almost asked if he was out harvesting body parts, but I kinda thought that might not be appreciated.) I finished the paperwork, and then it was time for the "transaction"- Joe gives me the specimen cup, and a black marker. I am to write my name and social security number on the top AND the side...This was very important, it was repeated five or six times...
Joe then led me to "The Love Room"...Okay, he didn't call it that, but that's what I deemed it...Of course it was down the hallway, so i had to walk down the hall with my paperwork, and the cup and the magic marker...Joe opened the door and let me inside...There was a chair, a toilet , a sink, a "magazine rack" and a TV/vcr combo...And there was a contraption on the wall that looked like a combination of a lazy susan and a pneumatic tube device...It turned out to be a bit of both, as Joe soon explained..I was to make my "deposit", then write my name and ssn on the side and the top of the cup, and then fill out the time of the deposit along with the "method of collection" on the paperwork, and then put it all onto the lazy susan and turn it until the whole kit and kaboodle disappeared into the wall- very space age.

Then Joe left me to my task. First things first, inspect the porn...Some Playboys, is that even really porn anymore? Okay, here's the harder stuff, I won't go into the specifics, but suffice to say, this was not your father's porn, if you know what I mean...I turned on the TV, and of course the tape in the VCR didn't work...I, of course, immediately decided not to tell them that it was malfunctioning, and i wondered for a second exactly how long it had been broken, and how many men had not told them, but i quickly changed the subject in my brain because thinking of the other men that had been in that room suddenly and me want to bathe in Clorox. I took a deep breath, and decided to get down to business.

I will spare you the ultra gory details, but i will let you know that the mission was a success, and that thankfully, none of the pages of the "reading material" were stuck together...

Okay, I think that's enough for today, but fear not, there is more to come( again, no pun intended-or were all of those puns intended ? Perhaps we will never know.) and more Porn !!!!

Name That Lyric...Episode 4 !!!

Wow, who knew we would make it to episode 4 ?
But here we are, Episode 4, and the first episode with a defending champion !! That's right, crimestoppers, the fabulous C2 guessed correctly that last week's lyric was from "I'm Only Sleeping" by the Beatles, a little known band out of the Ukraine, I think...Will C2 be able to repeat ? Will anyone even try and guess this week ? Why, we won't know until we play, will we ? No we won't, so here we go....

"When you're lost in the rain in Juarez
And it's Easter time, too "

Good Luck, crimestoppers !!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

What Movie Is This From ? Part II ?

Do I try again ? Do I let my Irish stubbornness win out, and post ANOTHER movie quote, that no one will even take a guess at ? Are you fucking kidding me ? Of course I do !!!!

Okay, first to dispense with last week's' answer: (I wasn't sure where to put the apostrophe in "weeks", so I put it both places, just kindly ignore one of them)

Witness; "...And as you can see, the tape has a time code on it, and those are very difficult to fake.
"Judge: " Would you please explain 'time code' ?
"Witness: : "Just because I don't know what it is, that doesn't mean I'm lying."

It's from "Strange Brew"- starring Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis as Bob and Doug McKenzie(How's it goin', eh ?) How no one guessed that I will NEVER understand...At least ten people saw that movie. The witness was played by the great Paul Dooley(The Dad in "16 Candles", The Dad in "Breaking Away" Wimpy in the musical comedy live action version of "Popeye"...I could go on...and on...and on...but i won't)...Oh well, better luck next time...
And next time is NOW !!!

the year is 1979...It's a hot dog eating contest...

"What ? No mustard ?"

Good luck, crimestoppers....

Monday, May 15, 2006

Question...

Even though it is technically true, I don't have to allow my kids to call me "motherfucker" , do I ?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Name That Lyric...Epsiode Three

That's right, it's back, even with an almost complete lack of support or participation, just like a sitcom on NBC...It's Name That Lyric !!! Welcome to Episode Three, crimsestoppers !! But first things first, in a surprising development, there was no winner from last week !! So here is the answer to last week's clue....

"I was the third brother of five
Doing whatever I had to do to survive"-

It's from "Across 110th Street" by Bobby Womack & J.J. Johnson. And for anyone who cares, the two movies it was featured in are "Across 110th Street" and "Jackie Brown".

Okay, so are we all ready for this week's clue ? Sure we are...And here it is...

"Everybody seems to think I'm lazy
I don't mind, I think they're crazy"

Good luck.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

That's Not Our Baby....

Okay, so Saturday afternoon,/evening My Special Lady and I both notice a high pitched whine/buzz/squeal emanating from the baby monitor...My first thought is..."Sweet Jesus,a lemur has broken into the babies' room and is attempting to carry them off into the forest !!"(sadly enough, that really WAS my first thought) But then I realized that they were in the living room with us, so that made the lemur attack MUCH less likely...Truthfully, I was a little disappointed, as I thought that defending the girls from a lemur attack might score me some major points with My Special Lady, and maybe, just MAYBE get me a special interest story in that holy grail of special human interest, PEOPLE magazine !!

     But, I digress....So, just what the FUCK is that sound from the monitor ? I checked and our cell phones were not near it, so it wasn't that...I moved it around the room a little, didn't help any...Our ears were beginning to bleed, and we were going to soon act like extras from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"... Then we heard a conversation ever so faintly over the monitor...So we came to the conclusion that we were indeed picking up a signal from somewhere else...I tried all sort of permutations to try and fix the problem, I changed the channel on the monitors, I switched out the monitors with our "secondary" set(we bought a second monitor set to have one in the extra room, but that luckily worked with the first monitor, so we only had to use the speaker part)...Nothing worked...So we just figured that at some point the other machine(whatever, wherever it may be) would get turned off, and everything would be hunky dory.
       WRONG !!!!!...Bedtime arrived(much earlier than I would like to admit) and we still had the War Of the Worlds sound effects record playing through the baby monitor, so we resigned ourselves to dealing with it overnight, and then going out on Sunday to try and find another monitor that might be less likely to pick up extraneous signals...Somewhere around 1 a.m, My Special Lady and I are both blasted awake by a SCREAMING, CRYING BABY !!! Our system is that we each have one of the twins each night, so we usually figure out who is crying, and then the person assigned will deal with the baby...Well, this scream was unidentifiable, so we both did the zombie walk ALL THE WAY TO THE OTHER END OF THE APARTMENT(which, if you are tired enough is really really far away !!) and enter the girls room, both of us secretly hoping that the baby crying is the other parent's responsibility for the evening...And we see that both babies are fast asleep...We both just kinda stared for few minutes, waiting for Allen Funt or Bob Saget to come out.
      And then it occurs to my Special Lady..."That's not our baby" she says...And for a split second I though we were in a trailer for a new horror/thriller movie...Mother:"THAT'S NOT OUR BABY !!" Father: "Damn you, Genesis Project !!" Voice Over:Coming in May, "The Genesis Project:Who's Baby Is This?"...But then I realized what she was saying: we were picking up someone else's baby crying on our monitor, and man, they must have had the monitor tied to the front of the kid's face, because this shit was LOUD !!!! And it felt like it took the parents forever to come to the rescue...Luckily, that was the only incident that night, and the next morning, I realized that there was a channel control on the receiver as well as the monitor, and when I changed them all, we lost the whine/buzz/squeal for good...Huzzah for me for taking two days to figure that out !! And that is that story... Oh and by the way, this is my 300th post !!! Whoopeee !!! No, no don't get up...A standing ovation is not necessary...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Napkin Crane, Anyone ??

So, I recently came into a small inheritance that consisted of my Great Aunt Jemima's(her Dad LOOOOOVED pancakes, her sister was named Mrs. Butterworth-true story) stash of Publix Print Napkins, which are worth a great deal what with the picnic season coming up and all, but above and beyond their general usefulness, these particular packages of napkins(and there are 65 packages of 250 count napkins-I'll save you the math, it's a whopping 16, 250 napkins) have a 17 step process for creating a Napkin Crane !!! So, not only will I be the hero of the summer barbecues as people dab ketchup and mustard from the corners of their lips, and wipe potato salad from shorts and shirts, but I will also be remembered for my artistic prowess due to the napkin origami !! God Bless You, Publix Print Napkins...And God Bless You, Great Aunt Jemima, give Jesus one of your cheek pinches from me !!

What Movie Is This From ?

Okay, since the "Name That Lyric" game has been such a rousing success, we are going to piggyback on that success with yet another audience participation game !!!(can anyone say, "Glutton for punishment"? No ? How about "Stubborn Irishman"?...I knew that you could...)
Okay, here's how it works, I will print a line or exchange from a movie(I will give the year of release) and someone will guess what movie it's from !! How about that ??!!?? Doesn't that sound like fun ?


Movie from 1983:

Witness; "...And as you can see, the tape has a time code on it, and those are very difficult to fake."
Judge: " Would you please explain 'time code' ? "
Witness: : "Just because I don't know what it is, that doesn't mean I'm lying."

Well ?

Friday, May 05, 2006

Name That Lyric...Epsiode Two...

Hello everyone, and welcome back to our second episode of Name That Lyric...Now, unfortunately, there was not a winner from last week, but there were also only 3 guesses, and as the old Navajo saying goes, "you gotta be in it to win it." ...And that is certainly true...Anyway, here is last week's answer

"Your kisses lift me higher
Like the sweet song of a choir" from "Burning Love"- Elvis Presley....

And here is this week's entry:

"I was the third brother of five
Doing whatever I had to do to survive."

And here is a clue: It's a song featured in two movies.

Good luck, prognosticators !!!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Fucking Finally!!

The geniuses have released "Kate & Allie " on DVD !!! My letter writing campaign was a success !!!

Now, I must get to work on the campaign for "AfterM*A*S*H" !!!

Monday, May 01, 2006

American Idol Question...

I just received my e-mail FOX Newsletter(which I apparently signed up for whilst trying to save Arrested Develpoment..BASTARDS !!!!! Sorry, that is a rote response to the loss of the Bluth family), and there is a picture of the American Idol people...Why is there a 60 year old contestant ? The picture looks like a publicity still from a bad sitcom...Does anyone watch ? I don't, so I am out of the loop...Why the old man ? isn't this supposed to be for the young a hip ? The movers and shakers ?

Bananas Question....

Those strands of material that stick to the meat of the banana from the peel, I call them "banana strings"...Do you eat those ?